We had an agreement...and DH broke it
Ok guys I need help and feedback..I feel like I am losing my mind. A little background...DH and I have been married a little over 8 years..together almost 10. I have BD17, BD11, SS17 and SD16. Here's the deal: We have my BD's full time. We have my SK's 50% of the time. This has always been the arrangement. When we agreed to blend our families we agreed then to raise the kids with the same set of rules, at least while they are in our home, regardless of what BM was going to do in her home, especially since 3 of the kids are so close in age..heck my BD and SS are in the same grade at the same school even! All that being said, I find myself very resentful of my husband because that is NOT what is happening. My SD16 is a troublemaker to say the least...(that is a long story for another day) but the rules for my SS17 apparently aren't the same as for my BD17. My husband doesn't stick to curfew, or procedure when out with friends, etc. When I call him on it he admits it is just easier to let him do what he wants and have him be happy about being at our house. When he violates curfew he should be grounded, BD17 would..so then DH says he will ground him, then literally 2 days later lets SS17 go out and tells me "I forgot, I'll try to remember next time" but that comes after yelling at me and blaming me. Telling me that maybe I just need to relax about the rules and not have so many rules and let kids be kids. (Meanwhile, I am not asking anything of his kids I don't ask of my own kids..and btw...these are not unreasonable request. Be on time for curfew...etc.) SS17 blatenly disrespects his dad because he can..my daughter would never do that to me or my DH and yet my DH wants to blame me for it becuase I am the one insisting that rules be applied evenly. Now even my daughter is questioning why SS17 gets to break all the rules without consequence and no one else does...even my daughter flat out told my DH the other day that his children bully him..yet he still doesn't get it, he would rather blame me. And he doesn't understand why I don't respect him anymore and why I don't want to engage with his children anymore...I can't win and I don't know what to do????
Your DH is an idiot. Rules
Your DH is an idiot. Rules are rules. Deviation from them results in consequences. If DH won't enforce the rules and apply the consequences with his spawn... then you need to make sure that DH suffers the consequences he refuses to apply to his spawn.
That includes never being able to ignore the situations at hand, purging his son from your home until DH actually steps up and parents, .... get creative. Make sure that DH knows full well that he only has one choice. Enforce the rules and apply the disciplinary consequencts... or suffer himself.
smh.
People like your DH should win Darwin awards before they pollute the human gene pool. Or at bare minimum be neutered before they spawn.
IMHO of course.
I'm in the same situation
Your last sentence. So true.
The kids are DS18, OSS18, YSS16.5. So very similar ages. But the double-standard and hypocrisy are infuriating.
There was a weekend when all the kids did nothing but hang in their rooms except when I asked them each to do some cleaning. The only one DH was pissed at was DS. Why? Because DS should have come out to offer to mow the lawn when he heard DH mowing. ?! Mowing is not a typical chore for DS, it isn't on a schedule and he missed his turn, neither skid went out to volunteer to help.
I've heard all the same "reasoning" from my DH. I don't get it either. I started therapy and she's gonna help me with mindfulness but I'm not sure it's gonna fix anything.
Just this last week DH got defensive about a rule he wanted (no electronics in the room...after DS had brought his laptop from his dad's house a few times...surprise, surprise) and I supported--but YSS broke majorly in the past two weeks and has basically been breaking for two years though I said nothing (he got to keep a tablet from school and it ended up at our house in his room constantly). DH went to console YSS and then, because he cannot handle his kids being upset, came to transfer the angst to me by accusing me of things (I forced DH, I made him, I broke my relationship with YSS, etc.).
I've also been married about the same amount of time and I haven't figured out a way to get it to work/be fair/equal/tenable.
If you figure anything out, please let me know.
Living in a house where there
Living in a house where there are at least 6 kids at any given time and your H entertains double standards......
Not only is he not a man of his word but he's also modeling very poor behavior....not only for his kids but for yours as well. This would be a big issue for me and I can see why your kids are confused at the BS that's going on. You have to think of a remedy for this because you don't need your kids trying to rebel because his kids get away with it.
In my house
I've had a few conversations with DS about it. He's not stupid (neither are the skids), he sees it happening. The skids know how to use it to their advantage but thankfully they are good kids in general and like DS so they wouldn't try to subvert things to get DS in trouble. I've explained to him that I will hold him to the rules until the rules change, and he may see other ways it's handled.
DS understands what's happening, knows it's unfair, and actually is more at peace with it than I am.