DH being a jerk (Vent)
I know that my issues are getting "triggered," which is causing much of my frustration, but I'm so irritated by DH right now, I'd like to choke him out!
DH retired from the military a little over a year ago. He's working, everything's fine. We were in a pretty peaceful patch, other than the never-ending drama of BM and the SKIDS. We have EOWE Thurs-Monday, so a good chunk of time with them (much to my chagrin). It was *almost* getting to a peaceful point.
So what does DH do? Applies to a Masters program, of course! And not just a Masters program, but a commuter program where he has to travel 3.5 hours to attend classes every other weekend. And when he's at school, he's there for a couple or three days at a time, literally staying in a hotel. This week he left work early yesterday, and he'll be home on Saturday night late (like 9 or 10 PM). And aren't we so lucky that he got in and that the weekends are mostly the opposite of SKID weekends?
I told him I thought the timing was awful. I told him I wasn't really in for this right now. I reminded him that he'd only been out of the military for a year. And then he got promoted at work (he now has 14 direct reports in addition to his work), and it's great, and I'm proud of him, but is it really the best time for this? We both work FT in demanding jobs, we barely have time to be together as it is! It's the only time he can do it, according to him. And besides, it's only a year (with two years of work included). And so all my concerns were dismissed and he started the classes.
Something important to note about DH is that he is not a multitasker AT ALL! He genuinely can only do one thing at a time. He knows it about himself, but yet doesn't recognize it in action. So when he's at school, he's at school, and he's the only thing on his mind. It's weird, his whole demeanor changes and he acts like a selfish ass.
Something important to note about me is that before DH, I was married to XH who believed that I should do all the work of the relationship with no real reciprocity from him. He wasn't to be bothered with life stuff. Literally, I paid the bills, worked FT, tended to DD, etc. He literally did nothing other than work. So much so that in the last 4 years of our marriage, he lived at least 6 hours away and we rarely saw him.
Because of this history--and DH's military time, too--it's triggery for me to have him gone so much and to feel like I don't have any time with him. And then last night, I called him shortly after 11, thinking he was in his room, getting ready for bed. His allergies have been bad this week, he hasn't slept well, and he had a 3.5 hour drive followed by group work. I figured he was exhausted because that's how he's been with me all week. But he wasn't in his room... He was in a bar, a couple of drinks in, "chilling" with his group!
I was so upset that I couldn't sleep last night. Here I am, like an idiot at home, missing him and worrying about how he's feeling, and he doesn't give a crap. He doesn't have the energy to do anything for or with me (unless I tell him how and what to do or plan it all myself. Our "date nights" right now are grocery shopping on Sunday mornings.), but he's got perfectly enough energy and wherewithal to hang out in a bar until after 11?
I love my DH, but I really don't want to be alone in a marriage again. I know I'm not, DH is leagues better than X ever was, but it still feels terrible for me. I've tried to talk with DH about all of this, but I don't know if he just doesn't get it, or if he just doesn't give a crap. I know it's "only" a year and that we'll be OK, but I don't want him to think that any of this is OK. I want to be able to see and have a relationship with my husband. I want that time where it's just us, and not at the supermarket! And there's literally no time. If he's not in class, we have the skids. There's no time to take a vacation or a long weekend or anything other than the bloody supermarket on Sunday mornings! I even tried going with him to the city the school's in 2 weeks ago, but he ignored me there, too.
So here I sit in my pity party, exhausted and sad. I feel like a needy shrew. Is it impossible for me to have a relationship that feels good?
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Comments
Have you sat down and told
Have you sat down and told him how this makes you feel?
I've tried
And I know he's not doing it on purpose. He genuinely is a uni-tasker, so it doesn't even occur to him to be his normal kind a generous self until after his school weekends are done. Maybe I just need to remind myself of that, but right now it just feels like rug sweeping all my hurt feelings. So much of the issue here is my issues, which he has nothing to do with, but the way he acts just makes it so much harder. And skid weekends are worse because #1 Skids and #2 his reaction to Skids. He checks out of dealing with them because they're impossible.
Nope
Its not ok. If he's doing it on purpose or not, the result is that you feel alone in the marriage. You're at home, keeping the hearth fire burning for him and his spawn to enjoy eowe but he gets to go stay in a hotel and drink with his buddies? He ignores you when you are there with him but he has the capability of going out to a bar for social time? That's some f*cking bullish!t. You aren't an appliance that can be taken out when you are convenient. You are his wife and deserve to have your needs considered and fulfilled just as you do for him.
He should have spoken to you
He should have spoken to you 1st before signing up for the Masters program. He's not acknowledging your feelings and sweeping them under the rug because he doesn't care and is selfishly doing what he wants to do regardless if it bothers you or not. Tell him if you haven't already how alone and stressed you feel and something needs to be done about it. I get that the program is only for a year but so much can change witin that time.
You need to address him and when you do he has to know how serious this is for you and don't allow him to sweep it under the rug. Expect & ask for him to take action and come up with some sort of solution in order to appease you to some degree. This is a marriage and not a dictatorship where he does what he wants and to h@ll with what you want or feel.