SD must stay with BM to co-sleep
Yes, a 12 year old kid can't come over today for DH's week because she has had a hard time sleeping because of the ear infection and just wants to sleep with BM one more night. I told DH if that's the case, we should cancel her birthday party on Wednesday and the amusement park with her friends on Thursday. No, not that! She can still have a party and friends over. And BM still hasn't told him that they're going out of town on Friday- his time.
He got onto me and said "why does everything have to be a competition with you?" like I'm competing with BM over time with SD. No, I'm trying to get him to stand up for his time with her that HE asked BM for in March. He obviously isn't fit for 50/50 and I'm sick of it affecting my home. Of course, he's fine "as long as SD is happy". Now I just look like a witch for expecting consistency and him to do his fair share.
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Choo Choo
Alllll Abooooard the Disengagement Express!
I'm really trying to but if
I'm really trying to but if this is how he's going to be for the next 6 years, he may as well just pay his CS and see SD 24 hours a month like in the CO. Oh, but SD won't be too sick to have the 2 day bday party that we planned in 2 days.
You
are being played. DH and SD. Are doing what they want. Disengage stop all planing stuff
I definitely plan on it!
I definitely plan on it!
If dad is ok with SD staying
If dad is ok with SD staying with moms just for one more day, then why do YOU care or getting upset? What’s the big deal?
Because there is no
Because there is no consistency and I'd like some for once with these people.
Your H has to want the
Your H has to want the "consistency". Don't stress yourself out over something you can't control and if he's not worried about it, step aside and let him handle it. You can't do all the footwork for him. You'll drive yourself crazy and its not worth it.
I finally realize it's not
I finally realize it's not worth it. I just don't even feel comfortable around SD anymore because she lied to me about BM just last week and never really has any repercussions for it. I honestly just hope she decides to go back with BM full time when the baby comes. This child is a master manipulator.
Really neither here nor there
Really neither here nor there is what you're venting about, but if SD's hear is still giving her this much trouble and discomfort, she needs to go to her regular dr nd have this checked. The antibiotics she is taking may not be the correct one or the problem may have advanced beyond due to the lack of initial treatment instructions.
Or the kid might be lying through her teeth and just enjoying the extra time and attention she is getting from her mother. It could be anything such as something special (an outing or fun event) was going to happen SD didn't want to miss just to go sit in your house last night.
But again, if she's been on the meds this time steadily since last Thursday, she shouldn't still be having too much discomfort.... if she indeed is, time to call her dr and let him/her decide the next step in person at an office visit.
Apparently BM took care of it
Apparently BM took care of it and talked to a doctor. I'm bothered because SD probably is lying AGAIN and I'm sick of it.
Good gravy woman! You are
Good gravy woman! You are all over the place. I say this with all due respect but you need to calm the heck down and focus on you and your baby. You are not even trying to disengage. You are just b!tching and complaining about EVERYTHING to do with SD and BM.
And I do agree, you are absolutely in competition with BM AND SD. You are not happy with anything to do with either of them no matter how small. You go back and forth on what makes you mad about them.
So she wanted to stay with her mom an extra day? She has been sick and kids want mommy when sick. No reason for you to get butt hurt over it. Especially when you DH is ok with her staying over there. But you want to show her (punish her) for wanting to stay with her mom and extra day? WTH?
Your DH will eventually get “really” sick of the way you act about his DD. I have told you this before…you need to get some therapy to help you disengage.
This is NOT your kid. She never will be and she will never act like it. And her behavior WILL get worse as she goes through her teen years and it makes me worry for your sanity. You get so upset over all of these little things. What are you going to do when she actually becomes a crappy teen?
I don't know what I'm going
I don't know what I'm going to do when it gets worse, honestly. I really do plan to disengage this time because I am starting to look and feel crazy. I expect consistency and DH to be respected as an equal parent. What's wrong with that? Oh yeah, he doesn't even care about 50/50 "as long as SD is happy". But then he turns around and says she "needs" us when he is never around to parent her anyway and when I tell him that 50/50 obviously isn't working.
Do you at least understand my frustration? SD and BM have always been allowed to dictate when SD will be here and now that I'll have my own baby, I want some GD consistency! I feel like SD is an outsider.... Or maybe I feel like the outsider.
Also, SD is a known liar and manipulator so I don't even feel comfortable having her in my home, honestly. I bet when baby comes she'll go back to BM full time. I'm hoping that's the case anyway.
I think you should attend an
I think you should attend an Al Anon support group to address your codependency issues.
I'm codependent because I
I'm codependent because I expect structure in my home, especially with someone who only lives here part time?
Okay, CONTROL issues, then.
Okay, CONTROL issues, then. Literally EVERYTHING bothers you. Let it go.
If the house is on fire, I would probably let SD know to get out of her room. Other than that, and staying out of my things, I don't care what she does, what she eats, what she wears, how much BM abuses her, etc. She can do crack for all I care. It's bliss. I learned this technique from Al Anon.
All I have to do is avoid her. Because she's annoying.
You're obviously unhappy and a lot of people here have been telling you to disengage but you can't seem to do it.
My plan is to be disengage by
My plan is to be disengage by the end of this week. I just expect to have a relationship with someone who is at least in my life half the time but i obviously can't. DH doesn't care so why do I?
If I had a penny for how many
If I had a penny for how many times you're said this lol
What?
Ipsofacto, that doesn't even make sense. And no wonder new people on here sometimes say they feel attacked on their posts asking for advice or to vent. FFS.
OP, I would be annoyed too, especially about the co-sleeping at age 12. Really?? Even though it's out of your hands, but still. And everyone just wants consistency with their skids, and for their DH to stand up for it. You are no different than every person on here. Sorry I don't have any good advice for you, except maybe try to discuss how important structure and consistency is for skids to be happy and feel safe.
The co-sleeping BS is what
The co-sleeping BS is what weirds me out the most. He is such a horrible parent that he can't care for his sick daughter? Thank you for understanding. I just want structure and hate being subjected to everyone's whims. But as long as skid is happy, of course. I don't feel like I'm any different from the venting SMs here except for my mixed emotions. I definitely plan to firmly disengage after her birthday plans have been executed because I did help plan them.
I also get it... seems to me
I also get it... seems to me you are "trying" to disengage but your dh reels you back in to engaging. He wants you to act like he wants you to act when it comes to SD. So, everyone is expecting you to have responsibility with no authority - AND can't you just be happy SD is happy?
Yeah, I get it and personally was unable to do it.
I really think I'm done
I really think I'm done engaging. I'm going to push DH to stay on top of SD's hygiene and responsibilties and not expect anything from her. If he wants her to have zero life skills and be a liar when she is an adult, so be it, I will not allow our daughter to be raised that way.
0lenty of families cosleep.
0lenty of families cosleep. There's nothing weird about that.
Some kids like to snuggle with a parent when they aren't feeling well. There's nothing weird about that either.
SD is lucky to have a mother that is affectionate, loving and present.
BM is rough around the edges but based on what you have posted about her, she isn't a complete loser. Hell, she and her mother have thanked and/or shown you appreciation for whay you do for SD. The woman ain't all bad.
I'm sorry, I don't care if plenty of people do it
Cosleeping is weird to me. Especially at that age. THAT is what breeds co-dependency.
Plenty of people also do crack, doesn't mean it's a good idea.
Cosleeping is extremely
Cosleeping is extremely common in many cultures and families. It a parenting choice.
You finding it weird, doesn't make it wrong. If it's something you don't agree with, then don't do it.
Maybe I'm jealous that SD
Maybe I'm jealous that SD doesn't look to us for comfort. I don't know. I have always been a maternal figure to her but obviously will never be and that is my issue to sort out and step back from. Now I'll have my own daughter to mold and comfort.
.....
I'm just going to leave this right here.....
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/savvy-parenting/201403/the-impac...
Again, just because "other people do it", does not mean it's a good idea, especially when SD can't even go by her father because it means no co-sleeping. Co-sleeping at a younger age (5 and under) can be benefitial and can be normal- at age 12, it is not "normal", it is not "extremely common", and it is not healthy. And it negatively impacted OP and her DH, so yeah, it is a very valid concern I love Dogs. Again, nothing you can do about it, but still valid.
Interesting. SD is very
Interesting. SD is very "reliant" as the article stated and can't/ won't do many things on her own because of it. It isn't because she's shy, usually because she's too lazy or afraid of failure. Also, because she isn't an only child at BM's, it may be a dominance thing with SF or her sibling. SD has learned to play sick to get sympathy or out of responsibilties and I'm sure she loves monopolizing BM's time and attention. DH does NOT baby her and she knows that.
You're a bundle of
You're a bundle of contradictions today. Probably a good idea to get yourself relaxed and under control before you try and discuss anything with your Dh.... especially his daughter.
In your home you're been trying to have SD be more self sufficient and do more things for herself in your home. You're the one who spent comment after comment here telling how SD should be able to give herself the meds, remember to take them blah blah. You also got so upset over the meds and mess and lack of SD's ability to follow through that you pitched her applicator and her drops. Dad wasn't supervising nor helping SD at all.
Now this week you are angry that SD is still at BM's for comfort. Are saying Dad and/or you are just as capable as comforting as BM is. I'm not trying to be mean, but do you see the up and down, back and forth cycle you're doing to yourself?
And in the time you've blogged and posted here (under both screen names) you have never before ever mentioned any co-sleeping at BM's house. Ever. Suddenly today, up it pops. Who told you BM and SD were actually sleeping all night in the same bed? BM? SD? All night? Just snuggling and soothing due to how sickness tend to bring the child out of all of us.
Frankly with a kid who is whining and clingy while not feeling well, I'd gladly let her stay with BM one more evening. Sure you're capable his soothing and snuggling (not sure about Dad, he's a lot more self centered than you seem to be). But did you really want to if not absolutely necessary? My own children while growing up (and my husband, lol, who can be a whiny wimp while he's not feeling well. Big baby) always got the 'special' treatment when sick. Necessary? Not really. But as soon as your babykins arrives and has his/her first bout of illness, you'll definitely find yourself rolling out the 'special' treatment during sick times, even when baby is SD's age.
Anyway, stop being so hard on yourself. You can't fix BM and you likely can't fix your DH. This one is their's to deal with and the two parents of this girl seem to be quite happy making a mess out of the kid. Things will be different for you when baby comes. There will be no 'outside' busybody parent from another house ... it will be (IMO) easier to let go of SD and her crapy parents parenting when you have your own little one to focus on.
Believe it or not, some SMs get all up and involved with the skid. right up until they have their own first child. Then suddenly it becomes much easier to stand back, disengage and let the skids and her goofy parents do whatever while you happily disengage , wonder why you ever did engage so heavily and you seem to find your 'happy' place as a mother.
I see you labeled baby a 'she' above. Did you finally get a look at the ultra sound and see girl parts (smiling) ... I loved baby girls with all the cute clothes and hair stuff.
You'll be a good mommy if you don't give yourself a nervous breakdown first.
Is there such a thing as yoga mediation for pregnant mommies?
I always appreciate your
I always appreciate your advice. Thank you. I understand that I'm a bundle of emotions and feel like I'm on a rollercoaster that I want to stop. However, I'm so used to being (over)involved but now I think I'm mentally prepared for disengagement. Baby girl is coming sooner rather than later and we may be moving when I'm almost full term into our *possible* forever home. Ahhh!!
And DH told me that BM said she was actually sleeping in SD's bed and apparently SD wanted to do that for one more night. I guess I don't even care.
We did a DIY blood test (Sneak Peek) for baby's gender so it's not 100% but claims to be close. We don't have the anatomy scan until Sept. 10th. Our friend has 3 granddaughters and gave us at least 50 mostly brand new newborn to 6 month outfits and she'll have many more! We also got a brand new bassinet, swing, homemade blanket, $400 breast pump, and playpen from her! This is getting so real and I'm so grateful!
I haven't looked into actual prenatal yoga but have been feeling SO much better now that I'm almost 15 weeks and have been doing YouTube videos and may actually go back to the gym this week. Thank you for your support.
BM isn't going to respect him
BM isn't going to respect him as an equal parent, because he doesn't act like one. BM has had 12 years to observe how he parents. She knows who did the heavy lifting in regards to parenting when they were together. I have no doubt that she is aware that your are doing the lion's share of the parenting now.
You cannot force, push, beg, pled...your husband into being the type of parent you want him to be. All you can do is step back and let them figure it out.
They had consistency in the schedule until you pushed for it to change.
I hadn't mentioned 50/50 to
I hadn't mentioned 50/50 to DH in months when he finally asked BM in March. He asked all on his own because SD was begging him. Now I realize our home is only a break for SD from BM and their relationship is better because of it so good for them.
He is such a horrible parent
He is such a horrible parent that he can't care for his sick daughter?
Well, he didn't make sure she took all of her medicine, did he? I know he TOLD her to but she is twelve and he is the parent.
I get wanting some consistency but they do not even have a CO for this 50/50 deal and I hardly see how SD staying at BM's an extra day is disrupting your household. Be glad for the peace and let it go.
You really are going to drive yourself nuts. You let every.little.thing upset you.
Thank you. I am stepping back
Thank you. I am stepping back after I've helped execute her original birthday plans. My daughter will be the only kid that matters in my life from now on.
I doubt it, and I'm not being
I doubt it, and I'm not being mean-but I've seen your type (unable to let go/controlling type) on these boards enough to know that it will likely end in your dn leaving you and another broken home....you CAN however seek help and turn it around.
You'll find a dozen reasons to stay engaged, for your own daughters sake I'm sure....trust us, we've seen 'you' here before. The ending isn't pretty. You have to adjust YOUR problems/issues as well or you guys won't make it and YOUR child will now have a hands off dad w/possbily a stepmom that resents your kid like you do SD.
Trust me, you don't want that.
No, I don't want that at all.
No, I don't want that at all. I need to call to reschedule with my counselor asap. I really want to step back and plan to after I finish the party plans that were promised. My hours at work should pick up and we may be moving at the end of the year into our forever home. The stress is going to get way more real than BM/ SD drama lol
I just expect to have a
I just expect to have a relationship with someone who is at least in my life half the time but i obviously can't.
My daughter will be the only kid that matters in my life from now on.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, you are making this too hard, too stressful. You are just going from one extreme to another.
There are different levels of disengagement. You just need to relax a little.
Having a relationship with SD is not the same thing as parenting her or having full control over her. You cannot control everything regarding her, you are not the parent. You are an adult in her life and you have some say about what goes on in your home, but her staying an extra day at BM's, for example, is not a big deal.
Yes, let your husband deal with her hygiene, you can only do so much. I bought my SD all the hygiene stuff, including lotions, body sprays, deodorant, mouthwash, floss, etc. but if she didn't use them, that was on her (she's 27, now, and appreciates that I did that for her, even though she didn't get it back then). DH made her do the basics, I left the rest alone.Thank God, my SD was not gross, like some I read about, though.
I don't think having NO relationship with her is the way to go, especially since you will be giving birth to her sister and will probably want to foster a healthy relationship between the two.
It's a balancing act, and it is hard sometimes, but you have to let some stuff go, it's just not worth it.
The thing is: it's not one
The thing is: it's not one instance. It's been 8 years of this. Thank goodness we're more than halfway done and only 5-6 more years of being legally responsible for her. I'm tired of feeling used and unappreciated but I know I've done it to myself for being so involved.
I am a highly emotional and introverted so when I put myself out there and feel rejected, it really takes a toll on me. I know this is my problem and solely mine but i can't help but feel the way I do. DH is so laid back about it all so I just need to take his "DGAF" lead, I suppose.
With SD's lying and knowing she can manipulate everyone in her life, I vow to be extremely cautious around her and not do anything that is "parenting". Especially entering the teen years.