Sk manipulation - advise please
married DH 5 years ago, he has 3 kids, I have 1, all live with us 24/7. Mainly ok apart from the 1 sk, 13, constantly causes issues between me and DH.
We have different parenting styles, I have rules and follow through whereas DH doesn’t. And there is the problem. Initially DH expected me to discipline, this has resulted in the 13 year old (who doesn’t like rules or people telling him what to do) behaviour towards me becoming increasingly bad, however in front of his dad he’s sweetness and light! He’s got a way of manipulating things and making me look like the bad guy - its hard to explain. DH will then stick up for his son and tell me its my fault! And I need to be nicer to him and spend time with him!!
I’m at a loss on what to do, DH knows his behaviour isn’t great but doesn’t do anything about it. If I deal with the behaviour I’m the bad guy, if I disengage I’m also the bad guy cos I don’t care.
DH tells me I don’t like his SK and I treat him differently to the others. He’s right I don’t like SK’s behaviour and I do treat him differently as the other 3 actually behave!!!
When SK 13 is out if the house the atmosphere is calm, there’s no shouting, when he’s around all hell breaks loose.
His dad sees me as the problem, not his sk behaviour and the fact that its never dealt with. If DH is not around and there is something kicking off, SK rings his dad who colludes with him, which clearly isn’t helping the situation.
DH wants us to be a happy family, I wish he’d just let me disengage and not pressure me to go to parent evenings etc.
SK 13 friends have told my son that the SK doesn’t like me, I’ve tried to hide my feelings and not let my son know how horrible the SK is, but my son was upset about this and said its sad.
Just don’t know what to do with this, I’m clearly not getting any support, but I love my husband and the issue is only with 1, I feel for the other 3 who behave but don’t get credit, whereas the SK13 asks for stuff and rather than him kicking off he gets it!
Try a nanny cam. Let DH see
Try a nanny cam. Let DH see what you are dealing with when he's gone. Then ask him what he would do if he treated a teacher that way.
How does your husband figure
How does your husband figure you're the bad guy when you like all his other kids, especially if he acknowledges (even a little) that this kid is a handful??? Every time your husband brings up your "deficiencies" where this skid is concerned, throw in his face that you have no issue with his other kids, who all like you.
In any family, there's always ONE who is more difficult. Tell your husband if he doesn't start parenting this one, it will shake up the household for all. Tell him you're happy to do for his other kids, but this one is his mess and if he doesn't address it, you'll be hands off for all.
This is the rule he needs to impart to his problem kid: when I'm not here, SM is in charge. Don't call me to complain because I will only back up SM. No more calls!
Tell your husband if trusts how you treat his other kids, then he must trust how you treat this one and give you the authority. When you have authority and the kid can't call him to complicate things, it might get better.
And now that I think about it
And now that I think about it, what is your husband's problem with putting the ADULT in the house in charge of his problem kid?
Would he prefer this kid make all his own decisions when he's not there?
Ask him that. I'd love to hear his answer. Maybe now when it's minor stuff it doesn't matter too much. But when the kid is older and getting in to real trouble, does he want the kid calling the shots??? It will be too late then to put you in charge of keeping the kid from getting arrested or killed doing something stupid.
Authority needs to be established now.
Yikes, sorry
I had this problem and due to it as well as horrible behavior from skid to not only me, but my babyBS I left. My SS was 13. He also "hid" this horrible behavior from others. Children this age absolutely manipulate situations.
Your DH is expecting you to be responsible for (cook, clean, drive places, etc), but giving you no authority over the child. So essentially you have to do everything the child wants...but the child doesn't have to listen to you. I refused to be the "slave" of a child.
At that age it is very hard to make changes. Their personalities and morals are pretty much what they are going to be and changing it will be very difficult, if not impossible. If your DH doesn't make a serious attempt at enforcing changes all of the things you are having issues with will remain and may even get worse.
IMHO of course. Good luck. You need to have a serious discussion with your DH. He MUST be willing to immediately make changes, not just talk about them.
Thanks for all your replies
Thanks for all your replies and support. Sk1 18, bs 15, sk2 13 and sk3 10.
When dh raises I don’t like sk2 and treat him differently, I have said the other 2 don’t have any issue with me, so I think he has accepted the issue is with sk2. However he just pushes it back on me that I’m the adult and neef to make the effort with him.
DH has issues accepting responsibility so the only way I’m able to cope is attempt to disengage with sk2, however I certainly haven’t perfected it!
DH says the behaviour is normal and its me that expects too much!
You are the adult, but not
You are the adult, but not the parent! HIS FATHER needs to make the effort with this skid. He needs to give him special attention and special discipline because it doesn't work coming from you.
And considering you're doing for all his other kids, this should be the LEAST he does for this one!