Husband co-signed for a new car for His daughter
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ugh. Wtf
may husband co signed for a new car for his 19 y/o daughter who hardly ever sees us . Stiffed is for $600 last year before she turned 18 on a bank account he co signed on now this . Her boyfriend still owes us $750 when he was living here against my choice. I knew nothing about this until paperwork came in the mail . I’m just so mad I could spit nais !
Not not sure what to do
Split Finances
Time to split finances. You both conribute an equal amount into a joint fund which you handle. It is used for nothing else but household expenses. Added to that, your DH must assure you he is placing certain amount into a retirement account. Then he can give SD whatever he wants - out of what is left of his paycheck.
My DH was very generous with SD when the money was being paid for by both of us. When all of the money for SD came out of his own pocket, DH's generosty faded quick.
You do not owe it to your DH to help him bail out SD. Just say, "No" and stand your ground.
I’m a Stay at home mom
i contribute by grooming dogs here and there . So he is the main provider of income not me :(
Full Time
If you cook and clean, wash dishes , you contribute FULL time, might not be cash, but it is everything else. Your SD and her boyfriend have screwed you BOTH in the past by not repaying loans....it was a bad decision to co-sign again.....DH should have discussed it with you beforehand anyway....
Consider this^^^^^
I agree - consider what you would be paying a maid, cook, event organizer, possible babysitter, etc. You have a right to know that your DH is not squandering his retirement on SD.
I don't care if you have
I don't care if you have separate finances he should have told you he was doing this. To find out in the mail is wrong. This would piss me off and I would wonder what else don't I know.
If it is not a big deal
If it is not a big deal financially for dad to do this - then shouldn't be something to stress over - BUT i think in a marriage, all big purchases or investments should be discussed with each other. How would he feel if you did the same?
I think if your finances are
I think if your finances are separate it is a more of a hey I am doing this for my child. If they are combined it should be a joint decision as it impacts both parties.
When I was with my ex I had saved up money to pay off my car and he demanded in front of my step kids that I give ther oldest that money so he could buy a car. I refused. Then he wanted to give my car to the younger one and I buy a new one. I refused. Guess what I still drive that 12 year old car...my son will get it eventually .
Now in this marriage I also make more money and we are financially 100% separate. I will spend my money as I see fit on my kid, however I would never finance something without discussing with my husband. However I know my dad co signed my first car at 17 for me. My parents discussed and they were both in agreement and I could afford the payment.
It impacts her even if their
It impacts her even if their finances are separate. Debt taken on in marriage is assumed to belong to both parties. If he gets laid off or sick or....? Then that debt is hers, too. That's why partners should always discuss and major purchases or debt, even if they have separate finances.
This is not wholly accurate.
This is not wholly accurate. It is the case in some states (for instance, those with community property laws). In general, though, it is not the case in other states, although there are some exceptions and variations. In most states in the US, if a husband took out a loan (or co-signed one) for a skid's car, the wife would not be liable for that debt.
Assuming they are staying
Assuming they are staying married, then it is still wholly accurate.
If my DH co-signed a loan for one of the skids and they defaulted, he wouldn't have the money to pay the loan. Guess who's picking up that slack? This husband gets sick or loses his job...you think his wife isn't going to be doing what she can to make ends meet in the household? You don't think it affects her if the skid defaults? Even with 'separate' finances? You see...she's the one on the hook with him to make sure their household finances work out and that they are creating a life together...not his estranged DD.
That's kind of insane. Some people on this board act like 'separate finances' is a magic bullet that solves everything. I don't care how separate your finances are...your spouse spending too much and make dumb financial decisions to benefit his kids over his household...does affect the household. These two should be building a home and a retirement plan together...not trying to figure out how to scrimp and afford a third car payment when the skid defaults.
I agree
Separating finances is not the TOTAL answer. In many 'community property' states if the DH is out of work the lending company will go after the spouse. Separating finances does not guarantee that DH will accrue a retirement fund. I suggested separating finances but also a visit to a therapist to gain enough self-confidence and self-worth to establish boundaries with DH or, if he continues to be sneaky, leave before he ruins her both financially and emotionally. He doesn't seem to think enough of his wife to ensure she has a good life. I think he is a jerk.
And I hope she has at least a
And I hope she has at least a Spousal IRA he contributes to each year! Every SAHM or SAHD should have one.
Two, you are right that
Two, you are right that separate finances is not a magic bullet and one can still incur debt/financial problems due to a spouse's bad decisions.
This is specifically why I will not marry my SO and advise others to do likewise. While his skids are self-supporting (for now, anyway) there is no guarantee they will stay that way.
Like most bio parents, I know my SO would be willing to go bankrupt if he had to in order to pay for essentials for the skids - especially SD. He has said as much. I know he would not give her money for frivoulous things but if she incurred significant medical debt or was going to lose her house, he would open up his checkbook and drain his account in a heartbeat to help her out.
I think a lot of bio parents would. If given a choice between paying for basic necessities for an adult kid (or even a gskid someday), or comfortable retirement with a current spouse what would most parents choose? I think they'd help the kids out, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that decision as long as it only affects the bio-parent's finances.
My eyes were opened to this one day many years ago when my SO was chastising his son for not having health insurance. He said he "would have to go bankrupt" to pay the medical bills if something happened to SS. Boy, was that a wake-up call for me. I realized that no matter what, my SO would put his adult kids before his own well-being if he had to - which may be a natural reaction for many parents.
Again, nothing wrong with that if he chooses to do this for his adult kids. But I don't think my finances and my well-being in my future years should be entangled in that kind of decision. Until that point, I had still toyed with the idea of us getting married one day.
I think once you reach a certain age, especially those who live in the US, you MUST be sure that your resources are going towards the basics for a comfortable retirement and to take care of yourselves. Or else plan to work until you drop.
We live in an area where there are many retirees. It is not unusual to hear lots of stories about adult kids who don't have time for their parents, don't even call them, certainly don't visit very much. Yet some of these older people STILL wind up sending some of their precious little money to their adult kids to "help" them out with cars, vacations, etc. and these seniors are living at poverty levels themselves. If they want stand out in the elements to take the bus for groceries when they are in their 70's so they can send money to their adult kids - so be it. They find joy in doing so and that's their right.
Just as it's my right to refuse to have any of my income go to supporting skids in the future - adults who I have no relationship with nor responsibility towards.
I have lived most of my life in community property states.
Any debt incurred by a worthless POS partner is also my responsibility. Even if he is a cheater who spent the money on whores. Disgusting but true.
You don't hide info if you
You don't hide info if you think your doing the right thing, you discuss it with your partner. He's being sneaky..
SD's entitlement is
SD's entitlement is monumental. I know many adults who didn't buy their first new car until their late 20s early 30s.
When SD defaults, let it go into repo. Otherwise you just bought this new car for her.
Will I face same issues?
Well after reading all these posts that you have all have shared your experiences. I am really worried that soon i will face such issues. I am thinking to plan out the financial issues as soon as possible now to avoid any misunderstandings in furure with my partner.https://bestbabyessentials.com
I'm sorry this happened to
I'm sorry this happened to you. Co-signing a car loan is just one of the things that led to my DH now being my ex-DH. Check the laws in your state. In mine, if DH had passed away the debt would have become mine. Within a year, DH's credit score had dropped by more than 100 points due to the car payment constantly being late. DH had promised me that if the car note ever became late, he would pick the car up but when it came time to do so, he said that he just couldn't do that to his child. The realization that I couldn't count on DH to keep his promises to me, forced me to face the fact that my marriage wasn't what it should be.
Integrity
Hi Mamaof4MA,
So sorry you are in this situation. In my state in the case of a divorce the debts will be totalled up and divided by two. The debt that my husband has accrued includes tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt (which I have paid off twice out of my savings... they just keep getting run up again so I'm not continuing to pay them off); Also, another $20K in school loans.
The school loans are our equivalent of your SDs car loan. My DH has $2K in retirement savings at 50yo.
My "debt" (though also *shared*) is in the form of savings wisely invested (and always return in the 10-12% per year), opened and expanded with none of my husbands income though he certainly enjoys the benefits that this debt affords.
The biggest sticking point is that he agreed to pay off all the debt and not accrue anymore (especially for SS22 school loans). I haven't been averse to helping "at all" but when the kid can't even take a part time summer job and Daddy keeps paying down SS bills before his own (OUR own)... it's tough.
Every day I dread going to the mail box that I'm going to stumble upon some other new debt and get an "ooops..." from my DH.
Good luck!
Time to withdraw your income
Time to withdraw your income and resources and let DH learn that supporting idiot adult children is painful. Let him pay all of the household expenses without your participation.
Raising children to adulthood is the top responsibility for parents. Beyond 18, continued support is entirely dependent on the behaviors, actions and performance that those adult children deliver. No performance, then they learn from their mistakes.
Parents should not jeopardize their own wellbeing for adult children.
smh