I went for a run...

it didn't work. I am SO angry. I can't breathe. EVERYONE around me is driving me so insane I just want to move to Alaska...or fake my death and start over somewhere.

I have MY own issues to deal with right now. I need a vacation. We've had many deaths in the family in the last 4 years and I feel like I NEED to grieve. On top of that - my parents divorce is crushing me. NEVER saw that happening. A really good friend is slowly losing their battle to cancer and I just lost my uncle a month ago. I have INSANE FMIL driving me crazy and she never shows any compassion for anything I am going through - when my uncle died she simply said {Oh well...it was God's will} - I don't matter - only her grandchild do. If I don't spend time with them I am selfish - if I spend too much time with them she reminds me I am NOT their mother - I feel like it's the same with the "not-so-DH." The kids have been here 3 nights a week...the other 4 days he works - he works days I work nights - we NEVER see eachother. And now BM wants us to keep them for a whole week in August so she can go on some vacation. I don't get a vacation ever...it's work work work and taking care of HER kids. I don't know what I would do if they were with us full-time anymore...I've talked about it before and was positive about it but I just can't give up my ME time when I don't have any now as it is! I can't even use the bathroom without them talking to me through the damn door. They share a room with us - can't afford rent yet...probably never...I'll never finish school- I feel suffocated. UGHHHH! DH bows down to BM. SHE is moving these girls AGAIN back into baby daddy's house - his nieve, dumb, self drives me insane - she has cheated on him twice...and he's letting her MOVE back in. The girls asked me today if I would buy them some back to school clothes - I said I can't - DH agreed he'd get them like 2 new pairs of jeans, two pairs of shoes, and some new tops - which is fine - but they tried to tell me their mother has NO money - she can't even buy them a pack of gum...this dumb bitch just got a new tattoo - why don't these kids understand yet that these things cost money! These girls are smart - they HAVE to know their mother spends plenty on herself- and their money is being spent on her and not them! COME ONNNN!!!! I'm JUST SO OVER ALL OF THIS...I feel like if I could go back 5 years - I would have stayed FAR away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I had a drinking habit or smoked the reefer! I know that's terrible BUT I need an outlet - my usual jogging, crafting, reading, usual does it but NOTHING is working.

Does anyone else EVER feel like they just want to spontaneously combust? I am like the most stable person ever. And this is just ALL too much for me now. Any time I mention staying at my house in my own room or with my gram DH freaks out and acts like I am never coming back! His mother has convinced him that once I walk out the door I won't come back...which is what she wants...THESE people are crazy.