I don't know Shaman... I guess there could be arguement of why didn't you pop your head in her room and say hello to her when you got home. I guess I just don't expect my kids to come out of their room and greet people when they come home. When someone comes over to visit, I call them out of their rooms to greet them. But I certainly don't make them come out to tell DH hello when he walks in the door.

Maybe I am the rude one? Should I be teaching my kids to do this? I never really thought about it.

I agree with the OPs in that I'm not sure this is a hill you want to die fighting on. What BSgoingon described is how it was when I was growing up, and it's also how it is for the SDs.

ETA: So many things can add up and sometimes it's the little things that are the straws that break the camel's back.

However, I think the person you need to be communicating about this with is DH. Not SD. You need to talk with him about this, and come up with a rule on this, and decide where to go from there. SD won't change her behavior unless DH makes her.

I was taught that it's rude not to speak when you enter a room/the house.

I prefer to not see DH's kids when I am home. I could give two shits if they speak to me. If they are out of my way, in the other room, and not speaking, I am happy. But that's just me.

I do think there must be a lot of underlying resentment for you to blow up over something so minor. The way I've always known it, the person entering the house goes round giving the greeting but not all over the house.

She's 16. Combine the fact of being an annoying teenager with failed parenting and you are prime candidate for disengaging.

Honestly I just can't think of anyone who has their kids run to the door when parents get home from work. I could maybe see it with younger kids but not a 16yo. Doubt most would even run to greet their own bioparents.

Seems like this was the little straw that broke the camel's back. She will never see something like you driving DH to get her as a favor to her. Really it's a favor to DH I think.

In the future, do not do anything for her. DH's car breaks down, not your problem, maybe let him borrow yours but don't put yourself out for her.

i understand where you are coming from, i just feel totally differently. i would have LOVED it if sd disappeared to her room when i was home. i would be happy to this day for her to ignore me. it would be so much better than her trying to force me to adore her. :sick: having her in my space irritates me and always has. if she wanted to stay holed up in her room all night, i would have been happy about it. much better than hearing her nerve grating voice and seeing her face with that dumb dog look on it all the time. well, when there wasn't a dirty look, that is.

When I get home, I head straight into the kitchen to make dinner. My kids, Skid & DH are usually glued to a tv or a video game in their rooms. I put dinner on and then I go room by room, pop my head in and say "Hey!" I think you blew a gasket over something very meaningless. Usually, the one that ARRIVES is the one that is supposed to say HELLO. So I'm sorry, I think you were wrong on this one. Just my take...

When I get home I hope that SD15 stays in her room and does not come out }:) I have no desire to see her annoying face!!

And when she comes home from school I usually jump in the shower to avoid her!!

I agree with some of the above commenters; as an isolated incident this was a little bit of overkill on your part. I get that this was an explosion that encompassed many different things that have added up to get you to this point, but isn't letting yourself get to that point unfair to everyone involved to begin with? The fact that SD and DH were stammering and apologizing instead of fighting makes me think that they were completely caught off-guard by your explosion. Maybe they haven't been acknowledging or registering your feelings/wants/needs this entire time. I admit that I have not read a single stitch of your backstory but it sounds like you guys need to have a little family pow-wow - which includes EVERYONE in the house. You are telling your H that you shouldn't have to parent his child but yet YOU have expectations of her in how she treats YOU, which is where it is important for YOU to be a part of her parenting as well.

I totally get where you're coming from and it does sound like you've had enough. And it probably feels like some of the responses you've gotten here aren't that helpful. I mean, when we come here to vent, it's nice to get some validation.

It sounds like you have a heightened sensitivity to every little thing your SD does, says, eats, and even the air she breathes. And I can completely relate!

I don't claim to have any sage advice or wisdom for you. Just understanding, some validation and a hug.

Hopefully, your explosion will result in something positive. If it doesn't....guess you will have to cross that bridge.

It's just so damned tiring to always be dealing with the same crap every day/every visitation.

Shaman, YOU GO GIRL! Omg I was cheering you on when you described what you said to SD16 and DH!!! Is it a battle worth fighting? Hell yes if YOU think it is!!

BTDT. Some of us actually DO understand.

*applause*

s29, i'm on your side, too. yes, this was overkill for this little incident. no, sd isn't you loving dog, so a warm welcome isn't expected, but when she did come out she didn't even acknowledge your presence, that was the straw! the proverbial LAST straw.

i'm glad you unloaded on the selfish self-entitled brat! and your spineless, must have lost his nutsack in the creation of that little bitch, husband.

but calm down now..... it must feel great to have gotten all of hat out and it's probably still pumping thru your veins as you share and relive it with us.

don't let those who tell you to pick your battles get you down and make you feel you must defend yourself for your feelings and your reactions to people/events in YOUR house.

we all know we need to pick our battles, but sometimes we pass up one too many and EXPLODE! it's human!!

cheers, have a happy hour cocktail!

and do NOT apologize for the things you said. if you want to apologize for exploding that's up to you, but i would let it be and hope they start watching their p's & q's around you.

Ok-I know exactly where you are coming from-I've dealt with this rude, passive aggressive behavior for about 5 years now. One day, when ss was around 10 he just stopped freaking talking to me. Completely. I know, I know sounds like a dream. But when you are assisting to financially support someone, providing a nice home for them to visit eowe, holidays, and summers-cooking for them, cleaning for them, and carting their ass around town the very LEAST this person could give you is some acknowledgment of your existence as a human being. At first I ignored it-assumed it was just a phase or whatnot-but then after months I started addressing it with him, dh tried addressing it with him and still to this day he will not speak to me unless spoken to first, except on rare occassions-I can count the instances on both hands over 5 years and he lived here for the past 4 months to boot that he actually initiated ANY type of conversation with me.

I could walk in the front door and he would not even look at me. If he walked in the front door and I was right in front of him, he'd avert his face and keep walking. He would try and get my kids to ask me things he wanted to know. I talked to him hundreds o times about how disrespectful it was, dh talked to him about how disrespectful it was. He knew he was doing it-knew it pissed us both off, and chose to keep doing it anyway. For him it was simply a way to control the situation-to feel as if he had the power. Which ultimately he failed-I ceased to care whether he spoke to him and kicked him out of the house last week.

It is really very, very degrading to be treated with such disregard. Especially by a child. A child that you help to provide and care for. But until anyone's lived through it for years at a time I think it is very hard to relate. It only bothered me all those years because I truly care about ss, about our goals as a family-once I stopped giving a shit I no longer cared whether he spoke to me or not and was in fact quite glad that he avoided him and quite glad that I had the power to make him clear a room. But for a long time it hurt my feelings.

I would suggest disengaging from the little brat. I eventually told my ss that I would treat him exactly how he treated me (you cant imagine the look of horror on his face-truly)and that's what I proceeded to do. I doubt your dh will get it-it bothered my dh although I cant say he ever truly understood the full impact. He'd try for a while and then he'd say-I can't MAKE him talk to you?

I get this post to the core, SD16 will walk around this house banging cabinet doors, leaving occupied rooms and generally ignoring me and both for days. One thing I have on my side is that my DD's and DH lived here for 4 years by ourselves, when she does this DH doesnt track her down. I and DD's ignore her back, he ignores her exsistance unless she is present and speaks to him first.

So I get it, I however dont lose it on her (for this action anyway, there are times I do for other stuff she does) I enjoy her ignoring me, it makes disengaging so much easier and you should see DH squirm when its just the three of us and DD's are at their Dad's.

Someone said dont tattle to Daddy, I surely do. It isnt my problem to confront her, all she will do is smart mouth me anyway. What am I going to do ground her for smart mouthing me? Nope DH would have to do that and since we alllllll know that will never happen, Im gonna raise my voice, and blood pressure to argue with a 16 year old? It's like reasoning with a drunk!

Now if she greets you, you'll know she's just doing it to avoid you yelling. Is that what you want truly? I am sorry you've been mistreated, believe me, I get that but I have a feeling DH and SD will be focusing only on the part about her not greeting you.

It sounds like they probably won't change. I hope for your sake you all find a compromise that works.