Disengaged at last. Disengaged at last.
Thank God almighty I am disengaged at last!
DH was right. His kids can't be held to the same standards as mine. I'm done wasting my time trying. SD5 will have to go to daycare during the day on her weeks here. She isn't capeable of meeting the expectation of behavior here during the day, and I can't be bothered to discipline her.
SD9, bless her little heart, has the IQ of a box of saltines. Expecting her to be able to execute a chore list is ludacrous.
SS14...oh, where to start? He rarely sees his alcoholic welfare leech of a mother. Last time he was there, I was reminded why. BM1 lives an hour from us, and has NEVER driven out to pick him up one time. DH always transports. When SS14 is there he is not supervised AT ALL. The last 2 visits he had to go to the hospital and have stitches or staples because of her negligence. BUT it's a constant party at her house, so of course at his age, guess where he really wants to be? So last time he's there, he sends DH a text that says "I'm going to be living at my mom's house from now on and that's that." That went over REAL well. DH drove straight to town and picked his little ass up, and he's been grounded since then. He's been asked to do a few chores, all of which he has half assed to the extreme. If I say anything, I'm picking on him. So I've stopped talking to him.
I sat down this morning and revised the summer chore lists so that instead of alternating on chores, my DS13 and DD8 have the same chores all the time, so there's no question of who is getting their crap done and who isn't. I didn't write up chore lists for his children, only for mine. I will not be enforcing chores for his kids. Only for mine.
I sat my kids down and explained to them that I'm not responsible for how DH's kids turn out. I'm responsible for how they turn out, what they learn, and how they grow, so are expected to meet standards regardless of whether or not DH and the BM squad expect anything of their children. To my surprise, they understood completely, and were glad to get a chore list if it meant that their parents care enough to teach them something. SS14 was smug regarding getting passed over for a chore list. I wonder if he will be as smug regarding getting passed over for privelages, since DH is as lazy as SS, and will never take his kids to do anything. I facilitate all activities.
My day has been so much more relaxed without having to worry about DH's kids. I'm going to like being disengaged. If these kids' parents don't give a rat's rump, why should I?
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you situation sounds much
you situation sounds much like mine was when sd19 lived here. she had no rules. no expectations. no discipline. no consequences for bad behavior. bd 17 had all of the above. i'm sure sd thought she was above bd since she could stay up all night on a school night and have pop with dinner while bd got milk, etc. bd had to help me out with dishes, etc. sd would just refuse and fdh would let her. i had the exact same talk with her that you did with yours. i told her i want her to learn to be responsible and to take care of herself and that while it may seem like sd is getting away with something, in the end it's bd who will be better off.
sd had to get 9 cavities filled a couple years ago. bd has never had a cavity. sd barely got by in high school. bd is an honor student. sd deliberately got pregnant at 19 while still taking classes and being broke all the time. bd wants to go to college and plans to take in foster children someday. gee, i wonder who was raised properly and who wasn't? this is mean and off topic, but at bs4's bday party a few months ago, sd told him "give it to sissy" (i don't remember what 'it' was) and he ran right to bd and gave it to her! }:)
I like your post. My 5 year
I like your post. My 5 year old stepson is simular in IQ. But it is a fuckin cop-out. I think I might do the same with my kids. Sit them down and explain a few things. My kids are so annoyed with my fuckin stepkids and all the bullsit they get away with. I am so glad that they are on opposite weeks for visiting.
My situation is 5 year old SS, 7 year old SD
9 months old baby we had
My kids are almost 11 and 8.
I think I need to disengage because I feel if I don;t I am going to strangle someone soon...lol...
My husabdn acts like a lazy shit when my kids show up and as soon as his kids show up he remembers snacks need to be made and teeth need to be brushed. WTF ever, I can handle it myself, except don't expect me to do it for his. I have refused actually, told him it was not my job to put his daughter who is almost 8 and can fuckin lay by herself to bed. U have a fuckin infant to tend to asshole.
The only thing is how do you work the meals and laundry. How often are the step kids there?
I have to watch his kids all summer as I am on maternity leave and I have tried to tell him to get daycare for them and then he screams in my face that I need to find daycare for my kids too and not provide free daycare to their dad. Well they are my fuckin kids.
Anyways just had a few questions about that.
Are you and your husband growing apart and did you tell him you were disengaging?
Nicole
i would tell dh that you WANT
i would tell dh that you WANT to spend time with your kids and your ex has nothing to do with that. you don't care to watch HIS kids, and that's why he needs to get daycare. you are doing a favor to him and bm if you keep them. when you have your own kids, you are PARENTING them, not babysitting them. it's not that hard to understand. he's just pissed off because he wants free daycare out of you. you do NOT owe him that, stand your ground!
well said.
well said.
:::::I have to watch his kids
:::::I have to watch his kids all summer as I am on maternity leave and I have tried to tell him to get daycare for them and then he screams in my face that I need to find daycare for my kids too and not provide free daycare to their dad.::::::
Well, isn't HE expecting you to provide free daycare for HIM and the BM??
I did the chore thing and the
I did the chore thing and the sitting down with my 2 bios and explaining it. They also understood.
The chore thing, I did a little different, you do a chore you get a checkmark which can be turned in for $$. No chores, no payments - that way I was able to control the rewards for my bios always doing their chores.
i also agree that the skids can't handle my standards, they have never been taught or held to any standard, therefore they cannot meet the standards I have for my kids. Such is life I have decided, not my problem anymore.
He will not do it. last time
He will not do it. last time I told him to find daycare he accused me of trying to ruin his job and we have no extra money and that he would call child services if I did not watch them. What a class act....
call child services? what
call child services? what does he think they will do? you aren't going to lose your kids because you don't watch his. he sounds like a manipulative ass.
I could really get used to
I could really get used to this. I packed my kids up and we went to the pet store, at popcorn and window shopped. Came home and got in the kitchen to make a couple of big casseroles. My son is right underneath me helping me do dishes as I cook, asking questions about how the casserole goes together step by step. My stepson is sitting on the sofa with his thumb in his ass getting dumber by the second. Good luck with that later in life, Skippy. Good freaking luck.
I'll be disengaging myself
I'll be disengaging myself effective immediately haha.
SO and I don't have differing standards around our apartment. Rather, the differing standards exist between us and SD. SO expects SD to act like a decent human being and to treat both of us (and the rest of the people in her world) with respect, as do I. And, right now, SD is pissed off at me because she thinks that all of these rules and expectations are because of me when they're because SO was tired of watching his child act like the princess of the universe when she's with us and got tired of watching her treat the people around her like so much garbage. She's of the opinion that she should be allowed to do whatever she wants and should never get in trouble or be "lectured" about anything. 12 year olds *eyeroll*
She claims that I'm making her miserable and feel unwelcome here. Won't SD be in for a surprise when she realizes that it really ISN'T me that's responsible for any of the things she has complained about but, instead, it is her own crappy behavior that is causing all of these problems for her because my life is going to be awesome from here on out and she's STILL going to be miserable.
OMG. you must be me from 4 or
OMG. you must be me from 4 or 5 years ago. sd19 pulled all the same shit, right down to complaining that i was making her feel unwelcome. she was right that the rules were my doing, but you would have thought i was making her scrub floors daily with a toothbrush the way she acted about being expected to clean up after herself and do dishes a couple nights a week (when she lived here). she thought that at 14, she could take care of herself and i was a bitch for not letting her cook on my stove. nevermind the times she did it without asking and burned my spatulas and the bottom of my pots and pans. i could go on and on.
i'm still waiting for karma to get her for everything she's done to me. maybe this baby she's going to have that she thinks is going to be so wonderful and great is really what is going to be her getting her just desserts.
I love karma! My SD21 used to
I love karma!
My SD21 used to think it was horrible that her dad helped me around the house with cooking, cleaning, and laundry. She thought that was MY (the woman's) job. He told her, "We both work, we both do housework."
Now SD is married with 2 kids, does not work outside the home, but complains that her husband never helps her with the kids or around the house. Ha!
Disengage
Best advice ever!!! Not your monkeys not your circus!!!! I absolutely love taking care of MY kids and MY house, I quit feeling guilty and started doing things I would do if they (step daughterssss) weren't in my house. I can't stand I'm SDs w a passion. They generally all around suck. No wonder their mom ditched em 5 years ago. They are thee worst!!!!!!! Karma baby, I can't wait for you to show up in these self entitle girls' lives!!!!!