Day 2...still nothing...and I think my ignoring and disengaging of SS is starting to get noticed
Well after our chat last night with SS14 where the guidelines were laid out and what was expected...I.e. An apology to us, my daughters and his brothers and he had nothing to say and retreated to his room and never saw hi. Again until I came home from work this afternoon.
He apparently said hello to DD12 when she came home and he saw her in the hallway, and she did reply (although I don't think she needs to, she did it because I raised her with manners!). He stayed in his room. As DH and I, DD12 and SS12 were leaving for a baseball game they had to okay, and SS14 was going to a training program (riding his own butt up there cuz I wasn't taking him and DH had to split to SS12's game.). DH made SS14 wait before leaving with a "no one gets a goodbye or anything?" I feel, don't make the kid do anything. He doesn't give a shit about anybody here so don't push the issue. So I walk outside and SS14 is on the sidewalk and I am walking by to my car, said bye and kept on walking. DH says no hug or anything? I just kept on walking. I'm the mom who gives kids hugs every time I leave or they do, with an ILY. Not anymore. SS14 has made his choices and has done nothing to rectify the situation. Two full days here....NO ONE has received an apology. And SS14 just walks around like nothing happened. Well, I'll just walk around like SS14 doesn't exist to me anymore as a responsibility of mine.
The only issue is....SS12 is now being a little standoffish also. This often happens when he returns from a week with his psycho bi polar POS BM. Maybe because of everything SS14 has pulled and I'm not running the same race again with SS12 I have somewhat disengaged him too. If he chooses to go up to bed without saying , "I'm going to bed. Goodnight." Well I'm not going to chase him upstairs to say goodnight, ILY, see you in the morning and give a hug and kiss anymore either. I'm not chasing anyone. I'm not. Period.
I think DH is a bit disgruntled about it. He asked if I said goodnight to the boys last night. I said no. They just went upstairs to bed. Did you say hello when you came home from work? No. They were upstairs still lounging in their pajamas and watching tv in SS12's room at 3:45 in the afternoon. I didn't know they were there. I went upstairs and used the restroom and no one spoke up and said hey! You're home from work? And I'm not hunting them down.
DH just texted and asked if the kids are all settled down and showered. My response was yep. I know he is wanting to know did I go up and say goodnight. No I did not. SS12 was downstairs, walked through the kitchen and went upstairs and hasn't returned. I guess he decided to go to bed. SS14 hasn't come down since he got out of the shower. So I'm assuming he's in bed also.
I'm not making an effort in any way, shape, or form until SS14 does what he is supposed to do. The longer he waits, the more the resentment grows. The longer DH acts like nothing is amiss because his brat hasn't done what he's supposed to the more resentment that grows towards him.
I am over SS14 affecting my life. So as far as I'm concerned. He is not a part of my life. And if SS12 wants to fall into BM's bullshit and start acting like I don't exist...well he will get the same behavior from me.
Counseling ought to be F-U-N on Thursday!
You are right on the mark.
You are right on the mark. Even if the kid does apologize I'd stay the course as I'm sure he will fall back quickly to his old ways. But don't be resentful any longer. The whole point of this is to let go completely. Free your mind of anything about the boy and the younger one also if you see him going awry. It's all Daddy's problem.
Speak when spoken to with respect but otherwise just go about your business. If they see a chink in your armor you'll have lost their respect and that starts them down the same path.
Good luck and don't falter just because hubby is angry. If he stopped this on day one you wouldn't be where you are - he's a major part of the problem.
Believe me OCC there is no
Believe me OCC there is no faltering going on by me! I only respond to the brat when he addresses me first. Otherwise...nothing. He has been hovering around me....here and there. If he thinks something is going on. But doesn't say a word. So I just act like he's not there.
I think you need to fire back
I think you need to fire back at your DH. An incessant litany of "He still hasnt apologied. Its been x # of days and he has not apologised. Where are the consequences you stated would happen?"
Brutally honest. If I were in your shoes. That kid never would have come back into my home.
DH could have left to deal with his psychopathic kid on his own. He and his lack of parenting created this monster.
You need to hold your DH accountable.
He MUST parent this child.
He MUST protect you and the other children in the house from this kid.
Hold his feet to the fire.
Only reason the brat is back
Only reason the brat is back in the house is because during counseling it was agreed that we would give it a try. Because SS14 "knows how much damage he caused and he feels terrible and he isn't being given a chance to make it better when he's not ever allowed to be near anyone". Okay he can come back with stipulations...I'll take that excuse right out of the equation. sS14 has been here 2 1/2 days now....so far no apology.
And when DH sent me a text last night and the topic got brought up I so sweetly texted, "SS14 has been here two days. He hasn't made any effort to apologize. Even after you talked to him and laid out what the expectations were and what he needed to do. It's disheartening". It's not disheartening. It's exactly what I KNEW it would be. I knew this kid would not do what is necessary. Because he doesn't care who he hurts or what he does if he thinks he will get his way. And he won't face anything or take accountability for anything. He, I'm sure, thinks he'll just avoid it and soon it will be forgotten and he won't need to do the things DH said he needs to do. Because DH has a history of not requiring follow through (which is why I am the evil stepmother...I say something, I mean it, and it follow through).
It's a beautiful day here. I'm off today, and I intend to leave shortly and take my DD12 to my family's camp. If SS12 decides to get his ass out of bed and show his face before I leave...I'll take him too if he wants...but it's 11:45 and he hasn't bothered to come downstairs for anything. SS14 walked down. Came into the kitchen. Said hello. Walked into the LR and sat on the couch. No TV on. Just sat there for 15 mins. Sorry brat...if you think I'm going to ask you what you want to eat and make it...you have another thing coming. DD12 was up at 9:30 and she made her own breakfast. You will and can do the same. I'm not the maid and cook. And besides you decided to stroll down at 11:00. Then of course because I didn't ask or make him anything he walked back upstairs and is now back in his room. Whatever. Starve for all I care. There is plenty of food in this house and you are plenty capable to fix something for yourself.