I have been disengaged from ss14 school crap since christmas. (Thats when everything hit fan and i was just done)

I also stopped talking to ss unless dh was home. Well besides yes/no answers. But i have avoided being "alone" with him as much as possible.

I also stopped giving my opinion on anything ss related to dh. I stopped the updates. I informed dh i will not answer anything that he has already given an answer to, i also will only tell ss "yes".

My stance has been strong- even with dh arguing with me about it, or trying to involve me.

Right before christmas ss had a big project due for social studies- i was invovled- mostly i just made sure he started the hw, or finished the task by the due date. Well finally i get to the point where i want to SEE his work, read it, see where he is at before christmas break comes- over the break he needed to work on a poster board, but i hoped we could finish it before the break and not have to deal with it, since he stays with MIL usually for most of the break.

He would not show me anything! Nothing! He talked in circles told me he did not know how to sign into school sites...blah blah blah... i asked him to pull up stuff on computer so i can get an idea of whats going on. Nope he cant...it was becoming just arguing and arguing. My stress level was just crazy with him.

Now a part of this is i started taking a diuretic, and im on the path to dealing with a pseudotumor- still not sure why this is happening im not obese, and my blood pressure gets high, but not high enough on a regular basis...

Anyway tension just snapped i told dh, dh tried but was so tired from work ss got put off till the break. Well what changed for me was a text MIL TEXTED me while i was on road getting bioson (this was on friday before christmas) asked if she could get ss, i texted NO, well she texts ss

MS.LADY SAID NO WHY? Ss texts ITS MS.LADY SHE FEEDS OFF CHILDRENS SADNESS. MIL oh im sorry ill make it up to you.

I read this and decided i need to make changes big changes. Im focused on getting healthy and figuring out this pseudotumor before it comes down to needing a cerebral shunt.

I dont need a 14year old being an ass to me, when he knows WE said no because of his project, and we never let him go over there on christmas eve, we go over there christmas day then ss stays, But I answered first. Dh needs to care or not care...so i told dh very clearly im stepping back from all this drama.

Im focusing on the people that want to spend time with me, i.e. my kids, and friends/family.

If dh wants to be around me great! I dont want to hear about school or him asking me what he should do.

A few weeks after all this went down, dh i guess realized i was serious and became a dick to me, i was in the kitchen ss was acting dumb, asking dumb questions i had no interest in answering, then dh starts repeating the questions TO ME. Trying to make me answer, then starts recording that im not answering! Ugh i was so mad and hurt and angry. I talked to ss therapist the next day, she is the only one who knows the tension, and she is working getting us a marriage therapist. (I purchased this mug cake for ss14 awhile back and he asked OUTLOUD if he could make it, the question was not directed at me, dh was sitting right there, but dh says "i dont have a problem with you making it, WHAT about You do you have a problem with him making it? Then ss asks for cooking spray- dh says i dont know where that is, DO you know where it is ms.lady, before i say anything, ss14 opens the cabinet UNDER THE SINK, is it under here?? Yes with cleaning supplies, cause when you look for food its under sink smartass. I ended up leaving and driving around to cool off)

After that blow up dh backed off big time.

We did not talk for almost a week.

Then we started talking- i started being direct with him.

Its been better.

But now that its getting better, me adjusted to meds, working on healthy eating, focusing on the kids that like me...dh has been trying to get me back involved with ss.

Its started with house chores, ive been focused on the house...making chore charts, to do lists...

Dh asking me what he should do for ss...ugh...

Like make your own chart for him...dh NOW SEES ss needs more structure and help.

Uh duh..ss has been loving that no one is on him...his grades are terrible... he has been hard core answering his dad with "i forgot"...so dh gives him MORE chances... funny how fast ss14 slides back into old ways with daddyo. He also has been hiding in his room, talking to whoever on his phone, one saturday ss scared dh, dh thought he went to MIL, ss was in his room till dinner which was like 6ish...i knew he was there...but if dh didnt feel the need to even look in his room or ask him if he left thats on him!

MIL asks me questions i tell her i dont know, ask someone else.

Just recently ss14 has been very chatty to me, mostly about him and his friends, and ive lightened up a bit, but im very careful and choose my words.
Im not sure where we are headed but if i dont hear from therapist soon, we may have to go to paid sessions...cause dh is trying to get me back involved with ss, and i feel like we talk in circles. Same fights keep happening.

I need dh to be a dad not a friend, and my trust is so low with dh, but he does not realize that, he thinks him telling me what i want to hear should poof fix it. I need backup, and him SHOWING ME IT. not 2 against one!

We just argued last night because of cellphone, and i would not tell dh what to do, he kept saying he wants to be a team and figure it out together, and i kept telling him its his choice, and what does HE want the rule to be...im not enforcing anything, and if he wants there to be no rule, then no rule it is...like figure it out yourself because i know he will bend on whatever he decides anyway..its just talk.

Anyway any more tips on staying strong while in disengagment?? Any stay at home moms that can help with ways to ignore them?