Can't get over it
This is the first time I've posted here, but I've been reading the board for a while. I've been with FDH for a little over two years. In that time he has made enourmous progress with establishing boundaries with BM however I can't seem to let go of all of the things that have occured in the past. I can't help to think that if I hadn't been in the picture he would still be catering to her every beckon call. I feel like the only reason he stands up to her is to avoid conflict with me. FDH gave BM everything she wanted in the divorce, including their home which was completely paid off. He has since purchased a new home(that we live in), which of course came with a brand new 30 year mortgage. Up until 6 months into our relationship, his paycheck was deposited into their joint bank account and BM gave him a weekly allowance and paid for his apartment. BM is "self employed". She, of course, claims that she cannot make it without the $1000+ child support check she receives every month. For the first year of our relationship, FDH used to go to BM's house every morning at 7:30am to get the Skids on the bus to school. He used to actually stay at BM's house while BM was on one of her many vacations. BM had a boyfriend who lived out of state and would go to visit him on a monthly basis. On one occasion, FDH even stayed overnight at BM's house when BM was there because she needed to leave at 5am for a flight to see her boyfriend. I, of course, would not tolerate FDH staying at BM's house and that quickly stopped. But I think that if I had never said something, he would probably still be leaving our home to shack up at BM's place to 'watch' the skids. FDH paid for half of the divorce (she was the only one with a lawyer) that completely screwed him over financially. I told him that he shouldn't pay her lawyer but he did anyway. I'm rambling- My problem is that although FDH has now established boundaries with BM, I still feel resentful about his past behavior. I don't trust that he will recognize when BM is expecting him to do something that should not be expected of an ex-husband. In the last 6 months or so, FDH has not done anything that I feel crossed the line but I can't seem to let my resentment go. Has anyone been able to get over something like this?
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@ ttellers- Yes, we are
@ ttellers- Yes, we are engaged. The things that I mentioned mostly occured within the first 6-12 months of our relationship. My issue is that I can't seem to let these issues go. He really has stepped up and responded to everything that I've had a problem with. Maybe it gets better with time? And no, I haven't put my name on the house. I keep my own bank account and all household expenses are shared (with him usually paying the greater portion).
@ missfrenchtoast- Thank you
@ missfrenchtoast- Thank you for the comment. I am hopeful that with time he'll continue to prove himself. I'm completely confident in FDH in all other areas, except with regard to his choices with BM.
Yeah - DH is the ultimate
Yeah - DH is the ultimate people pleaser.
What has helped here is that I've made it clear how much he needs to please ME. Sounds like your DH is doing what you want now.
Mine came penniless because of exes (well really second ex).
When we were first together he stopped by her house (about half a mile away) to say "HI" when he moved back here to be with me - in MY car. I went absolutely ballistic!!!!! This will never happen again.
Now I still can't get over the fact that he had a ONS with her almost a decade after their divorce which produced 2nd SS. They have now been divorced for years and he says that he has NO physical interest in her at all.
She looks like the hogwort from Lion King (really) so I doubt if he is interested. BUT they screwed again after almost a decade of no contact once so it could happen again. This makes him furious.
I state that second SS is just physical proof that they cannot keep their hands off each other. Second crotch dropping from ONS is now 24 so this is old stuff - but I will NEVER forgive him for being so stupid.
If he wants to continue pleasing me there will be NO communications or visits between them EVER EVER EVER. First SS (current out of prison as he is dying) will not be around much longer (in another state). He can certainly go to the funeral - but I've told him if so much as hugs her in their mutual grief he will be a dead man.
Yeah I'm a bitch - but I'm not letting her ever touch him again.
She has a decent job in a company that is partially owned by one of my long-term BEST friends (since 1st grade). She does not know this. I really WILL have her ass fired (this is an at will state) if she tries ANYTHING.
My DH was never married to
My DH was never married to BM, so they didn't have near the challenges that your FDH has. She was in every sense of the word, "a baby mama"...They never even had a relationship, so he wasn't "connected" to her or felt on obligation to her...
BUT he did some stuff that made me resentful of him early in our relationship and it took time for me to help him establish boundaries and keep BM in her cage. DH used to be afraid that if he didn't do exactly what she wanted, she'd keep SD from him (which she did all the time anyway). It took him some time, but all the while, he fought and screamed and cussed me out so much, it was crazy...
When he finally got it, he tried to act like, "yeah...that's how I felt the whole time..." and I was like OH HELL NO YOU DON'T! I was pissed off at him for a long time because once he "got it", he never admitted to me that I was right and had his best interest at heart the whole time and he was wrong in his response to me. For a while, I totally disengaged from him as it related to SD...Whenever he'd start in on a conversation about her, I'd just put my hand up like, "keep it...don't care..." Then that was another fight...He felt I was being mean and insensitive...It took more than several heart to heart conversations for him to understand how he'd hurt me and how much I resented him...BUT we had the conversations...and that was important...
I literally told him that I NEEDED him to kiss my ass as it related to where he'd come from and where he is...I needed him to replay how much of a craptard he was for not giving BM boundaries and for the way he treated me...and I wasn't playing...That's what I needed...He said that he was more than grateful for me being with him and for putting up with him, and "always" said so, but apparently his "always" and my "always" meant two different things...I needed to hear it more frequently, and that's what he committed to do (and does)...
Over time, with him acknowledging my efforts, and me actually realizing that regardless of the road it took to get where he is, he's there. That's really what's most important to me.
Said ALL that to say, if you are the type of person that likes words of affirmation and need FDH to acknowledge you, then talk to him about it, and continue to talk to him about it, then move on and rest in the fact that he's made strides...
i've had exactly the same
i've had exactly the same problem at the beginning of our relationship. like other have said, it takes time. i admit things changed a WHOLE lot when i came on the scene. boundaries were finally established. i made him see that she lost all those "benfits" when they divorced and they're all mine now. he tried to tell me that i was "taking his sons away" from him. ha! i said your ex wife did that the day she took the boys and moved out of your house and in with another man. i told him that no, he could NOT be friends with his ex, i will be consulted on all decisions that have to do with his time, money and our home, and i will be made aware of all conversations he has with her. lots of fights, but i stood my ground. i told him these are the things that i need and if he couldn't have appropriate boundaries with his ex, he doesn't need me. now, 5 years later, he sees her as she is and the only problems i have now is when she sends her feelers out to him, trying to see if he'll bite, if he's open to her (which he either ignores or calls her on). i still have some vestiges of resentment, but i think MOST women have some resentment simply because they're dh made a poor choice in having kids and having permanent attachments to another woman.
It has taken me 12 years and
It has taken me 12 years and sometimes it still creeps back up...and mine wasn't nearly as nice as yours...he just didn't think she was such a witch and thus believed her above me...hmmm...As far as I know they have no contact. Actually, they better have no contact because he does know it will end immediately.