I feel like a single parent!
Ok, my situation... My husband, the bio dad got custody of his son over a year and a half ago. I took on all of the responsibilities. And I mean ALL where my step son is concerned. I have so much so that I feel taken advantage of big time by both bio parents. But, that's another topic. We have since moved to another state, step son with us as well. My husband recently took a new job that requires him to be gone 2 weeks at a time. I am here with my step son alone. I do have a family support system here, which helps. But I feel like a single parent to a child that isn't mine! It's so hard. I am not a mom myself and have never been a very "motherly" type. I never was a girl who dreamed of having babies and all that. I have always had the mindset that it was cool if I had a kid of my own or not. No big deal either way. An example, the other night my step son had gotten ready for bed, and he came into the living room and said, "Ok, I'm ready for my kisses." And "tuck me in." I was like ok... I can't do that stuff! I mean, I gave him a hug and told him good night. It seems weird to me! I don't have that motherly bond with him at all. Is that ok? I mean, is it weird to not have a connection with a step child? It's hard enough being apart from my husband, and even harder dealing with my step son alone. I just don't know how to bond with him that way. And kudos to single parents out there! I don't know how you do it! It's stressing me out!
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I understand your position. I
I understand your position. I had a 4 yr old ss when I was married to my ex. I did everything for him and it was awkward when he'd act like I was his mom. I think for me it was a protection method to distance myself. His mother wasn't in the picture much and she'd be pissed if he considered me his mom even though I was more his mom than her. Plus I didn't want to get into trouble with cps. He'd try and sleep in our bed, in his underwear. I didn't want him to mention this to his mom and have her say I was molesting him. Bath times were awkward. Again the fear of having molesting charges brought up were scary.
You are normal to feel distant. If you get too close then he could be ripped away by bm and that would hurt terribly. Also legally step parents are targets for crazy bms.
I also do more for my ss than
I also do more for my ss than his own mother. And she is not involved very much at all. I'm not concerned about molesting charges or anything like that. I just feel like I'm supposed to be this great Mom and I'm not. He calls me Mom sometimes too and again, I feel weird about it.
Of course it is ok that you
Of course it is ok that you don't have a motherly bond with him. I think that is pretty normal. These things take time. Lean on family and friends when you need to. Take time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it. You are affectionate with your SS to the extent you are comfortable, and you are obviously working very hard to do right by a child you didn't ask for.
There is a book I just got called "7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild". Haven't gotten too far into it, but I recommend checking it out (or something like it). These feelings of not having that level of affection and bonding are totally normal. Bio dads seem to expect us to have instantaneous bonds with their kids, and it just isn't realistic. But I think if you go through the motions of the hugs and bedtime rituals you may find yourself liking them.
I felt awkward hugging my SS4 for literally months, but I did it anyway and dammit, now I like it! Same with kisses - he always wanted a kiss on the mouth, b/c he is used to that. I never really did that with my family and I sure wasn't doing it with him, so now if he wants a bedtime kiss we kiss each other on the cheek or blow kisses to each other. That's our "normal" and it works for us.
Oh wow. Thank you mella!I
Oh wow. Thank you mella!I will absolutely check into that book! I just joined this site today because I was feeling so depressed and alone. I thought to myself, hey there's gotta be a website or something for step parents out there! So here I am. I already feel better!
single and we currently have
single and we currently have them every other weekend. Because of current events it might turn into primary custody. I am scared shitless. I am not their mom, and even with the fact that there mom is a POS. I still dont have that "bond" with them. FSD5 I might grow to have that but only because she is exactly like her dad. FSD3 is a nightmare, she is exactly like her mom and I hate it. She used to physically abuse me (old blogs tell the story). I dont think that I will ever be able to be "motherly" towards her. FDH understands he was a little put off by it at first but he has come to accept it. I love his girls. They are over all great kids but I am not and will never be their mother, I dont share their blood, I dont have that bond. But I will hug them and do things with them I just dont go overboard with affection.
you are not alone
Thank you Ommy. It really
Thank you Ommy. It really helps to know I'm not alone.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can you act like the 'cool
Can you act like the 'cool aunt'? This boy only has you and right now you and your DH decided this is the way things are. If you don't want them this way ask your DH to change his job and be there for his son.
I am amazed how many kids are dumped with the new SM whether she likes it or not and she is expected to pick up the maternal slack because she has a vagina.
I would be kind to him and give him a hug and maybe work on getting him to put himself to bed. Take him up to his room, tuck him in, quick hug and then he can read or do whaterever he does. And do 'cool aunt' stuff with him. My daughter flies (literally!) into our city 1-2x a year and takes care of her neice and now her nephew and then flies out again. They adore her. But they adore her as their aunt and not their mother. HUGE difference.
My SSons consider me like a cool relative and OK, slightly kooky. But NEVER as their mother figure.
^^^ This is great advice. I
^^^ This is great advice. I really struggled with the stepmother situation until I figured out how to put myself in the cool aunt shoes. A cool aunt is not going to take any crap, and any kid better do as they're told in her house, but cool aunt can also do fun things and play around alot without the emotional pressure of being a mother figure.
The kids get confused and call me mom now sometimes, but it doesn't bother me because I'm pretty comfortable with my relationship with them at this point. SS5 tells me he loves me and the first time it shocked the hell out of me, but now it's pretty cool.
Try exchanging the things he is use to that make you uncomfortable with something easier and more mellow. Read a book together before bed. High five. Talk about what you both intend to dream about. Something a little less emotionally loaded.
And don't pressure yourself or feel guilty. Step kids are like cute little ticking time bombs (it's not their fault, but the situation is what it is) and it's pretty difficult to feel affectionate and motherly toward an explosive.
. sorry post. sorry.
. sorry post. sorry.
Thank you everyone! I was
Thank you everyone! I was just about at a loss on how to deal with this. The "Aunt" role sounds great. I never thought of it like that. I like the high five thing too. I'll give it a try! Thanks again so much!!
I say it's perfectly
I say it's perfectly normal!!! Find "your thing" if you don't feel comfortable with hugs and kisses, find your thing! Maybe a high five and a wedgie?! LOL just kidding. But seriously just becuz you don't feel comfortable with the traditional stuff, start your own