Short answer to the first question: No. I love my DH, but I don't love his kids, and I'm not "supposed" to, in my opinion. I consider the things I do for them an extension of my support for him and just being a decent human being to a couple of young people.

I don't resent the kids (yet?) but I don't like them all the time. Conversely I don't hate them all the time. My feelings towards them are the same as towards anyone else - dependent on the way they treat me and how they choose to behave. I don't see any reason why my reactions to them would be different because they are my spouse's kids. But then again, I don't have any bio kids, and my understanding is that feelings towards bios are unconditional generally. Not so with the rest of the world.

>>>then is part of you supposed to love the kids because they are an extension of their parents?<<<

Nope. That's like saying you're supposed to love your inlaws simply because you love their son.

Read StepMonster... but to paraphrase- it all depends on the person.

As another person said you're not expected to love your in-laws just because you marry their child, so by extension the kids are the same deal. If the kids are great, many SPs do get attached and feel like a "real" parent- but for those who have horrible relationships, not quite so.

I have 2 step daughters. The 15 year old and I do just fine together. After 4 years together, we have ironed out the kinks, and as far as I am concerned- she is my daughter. She treats me with love and respect, and I treat her the same. I don't mind doing anything for her, and I don't have any of the animosity that I feel towards Miss Snitchy.

Snitchy, on the other hand- has fought me every step of the way,and I get mad every time I hear her voice say "DAAADDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYY".

I try so hard to be kind and gentle and gracious- but I just can't anymore.

Usually those "great" skids have pretty okay, takin care of business, bio parents.
I think of it in a general sense. Parents who are taking care of their kids (married or not) usually have kids people dont mind being around.

Seen a kid act like a monster in the store around their parent? Cant stand being around them, can you? What if that same monster was wanting you to do something for them? You really dont want to do it?
Now same scenerio with a well behaved kid? You enjoy their presence, want to help, etc....

The only difference in these two examples is the parent! One handling business and one not!

Now, when i say do something, help, etc... im not talking something extreme as in helping them find their parent, or if they were hurt...
I hope you get my meaning

I have read only your first sentence and no other answers and would like to say that in the wild if a baby animal loses their parents for the most part they will probably die because no other animal will take them under their wings and have them as one of their own.

Tricky. Thing is for a long time even when skids were horrible to me I still bought them stuff and did stuff for them including putting up with the bad behavior. Eventually I stopped, though if we go out and they behave really well I'd still get them a little something, if I am getting for my kids and they are present I just feel it's right to get them something too even if I don't want to. Do I love them? Nope not really, they haven't given me any reason or any space for "love" to grow with how they behave and how they treat me, my things, my animals and my children but do I think it's possible to love them? If they changed their attitudes and acted their age instead of spoiled little brats then certainly! I do care about them though and I would be upset if something bad were to ever happen to either of them but of course the love I have for my own children would never be the same as whatever i'd feel for them, I dunno maybe they've just soured it for me! The last 3 years have left such a bad taste in my mouth and the future really freaks me out.

My SS is a great kid. I'm a custodial SM. I make more than double my husband, who works very hard at a job that allows him the flexibility in schedule to take off time to take care of his own kid. BM makes less than 1/4 of what I do at a doggie daycare because they don't drug test. I purchased SS's back to school clothes. I go to the grocery store and buy the food that fees him. I also make the food that feeds him. I help him with his homework. I'm the one he goes to to talk about his feelings about what his mom says about me and/or his dad. I'm the one he hands his coat to at boyscouts as he runs off to the rocket derby. When she doesn't spend her time with him, I'm the one he starts telling about how great his mom is as he tries to build her up in his head to cover his disappointment. I'm the one that found his therapist, and I'm the one who carries insurance on him. Much of this I choose to do because he needs it, and I'm helping my husband so that he can be working on updating our house so we can rent it out and move into a bigger one and have a baby. It is more cost effective for me to carry insurance because DH's job doesn't provide it and BM doesn't carry it like the custody agreement says she should be. Most of the time, I don't feel bad or mad about it. Once in a while, usually when I'm tired of hearing about the fabulous BM, I feel resentful. I'm allowed because I'm human and as my husband says, even biological parents get some of these feelings. He does. So, why can't I? When I feel unappreciated or resentful, I let myself take some space and time and re-engage when I'm ready. I'm not rude to SS, I don't ignore him, but I'll back off when I need to for myself. I'm learning what my limits are and I'm respecting my own boundaries. BM is right about one thing. He has a mom, and I'm not it, so I respect my relationship with my SS as it is comfortable for both of us.