OT - My DH crossed a line...and I am depressed...
not looking for advice...maybe just some understanding and sympathy.
My DH has been volunteering with a small local crew that makes an online web show and also participated in a convention that they put on over the weekend. There is a girl that is also volunteering who is one of those girls that as soon as you meet her you can tell she is easy/slutty and drama. I felt this right away....but I try not to be judgmental and give everyone a chance.
My DH does special fx makeup. She was going to dress as red riding hood (grimes version) for the convention and they got to talking about how he could do her makeup. They exchanged contact info. They started texting each other and he asked her for a picture of herself in her costume (mistake number 1)
I haven't seen the texts and pics (he deleted them) but she says that he was really pushy, asking her for naked pics,and propositioned her for a BJ.
I believe he asked for pics of her in her sexy little costume....I believe maybe if she gave them to him that he MIGHT have went a step further and asked to see more. (hey if she's willing....right?...mistake number 2) I'm guessing he asked a couple of times. (mistake number 3) I do not however believe that he was aggressive or harassing as she claims....or that he would have asked for a BJ or anything like that.
I believe that he got caught up in a conversation that he shouldn't have been having and maybe took it a bit to far.
What upset me is that this girl came to me and told me....and he did not. (big mistake number 4) I would have liked to have been able to say to her..."yeah he told me and I saw the pics....that outfits makes you look even bigger then you are....do you need help with any alterations?" Or something like that. Instead I looked like the clueless wife who's DH is chatting up girls behind her back and she played it off like she was trying to do me a favor. Puh-Leez. There is more to it....she was mad at him because he got more attention at the convention. The guests liked him...requested him as there assistant, etc. She was mad because he was cock-blocking her in regards to another married guy she was trying to hook up with. Married guy said to my DH "this girl wont leave me alone...will you help me keep her off my back" so my DH kept him busy and distracted him every time she came around. She was mad that all of the guys on the crew were not interested in her at all. I think when she came to me to tell me these things about my DH she was trying to upset me so that I would pull him from the event...thus taking away her competition for attention. Instead I showed up with him at the after party. She had the audacity to thank me for coming and keeping him from bugging everyone. I was like WTF!?! Yeah because this is all about you. Whatever. She is telling all people involved that DH was sexually harassing her and playing victim.
I told my DH that I know that he is a man and that I dont have a problem with him looking at women. Look but dont touch is our boundary, as well as full disclosure to each other. In the 5 years we have been together this has always worked for us. My issue is that he should have told me about the conversations with this girl, and about the pictures. My other issue is that she is local. Lives in our town.....and we have to deal with her if we want to stay involved in the local film/event/genre scene that we love. Now I have to play nice with this girl that tried to cause a rift in my marriage. Makes me cringe. Really I just want to beat her.
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If you believe he was
If you believe he was soliciting for pics from her (naked or slutty) this is ok with you?
If I found out my SO was having ANY conversation like this, commenting on her or her looks asking for a pic? his dick would be in a vice.
Its one thing to just look, but he engaged in interaction with her.
Yeah I dont really care about
Yeah I dont really care about that....we dont swing...were not an open relationship...but I am pretty liberal when it comes to sexuality.
He started out innocently enough....trying to help her with awesome makeup to really have a sexy hot costume....and I really think that was his only intention....but it went in a different direction and he didn't recognize it until it got to far. He knows it went to far and the aspects that I find issue with. He agrees and wishes he would have told me about it. He stands firm that he did not ask her for any sexual contact or even hit on her...and I believe him.
Seriously if you met the girl you would get what I am saying....or my DH for that matter. He is kind of dopey when it comes to women....there is no way he was the agressor....his error was not knowing when to get out of the conversation and then not telling me about it.
He just should have told me and then all of the drama could have been avoided.
Sounds like you have it
Sounds like you have it figured out then.
I'm sorry that you are depressed and that this bothering you. I'm sure you two will work it out with good communication in the future.
Thanks. I think so too.
Thanks. I think so too. This venting stuff really does help!
Look but don't touch and full
Look but don't touch and full disclosure. Looks like he got the FIRST part of that. But lacks severely on the SECOND part of that.
I'm sorry he is being an ass. Not to give miss skank a pass either but I'd be more pissed at HIM.
agreed! That is the issue
agreed! That is the issue right there. I am venting about the skank online but really have no issue with her....I am still talking to her normal and everything.....he is definitely getting the brunt of my disappointment and frustration.
I say give him the benefit of
I say give him the benefit of the doubt . . unless it continues. Your take on her jealousy of DH, does make sense to me.
I hope you are not proved wrong in trusting him .. I would wait and watch for now. Hugs
This isn't my first
This isn't my first rodeo....I'm divorced from a chronic cheater....but I was young then and I chose to ignore it.
That is not my style now. I am pretty confident that my DH was not attempting to cheat. Get a peek sure....but my DH has it made in his current life and he knows it. I dont think he would screw it up for a Walmart employee. (no offense to any WalMart employee's on this board)
He has the benefit of the doubt....and he knows me well enough...and my history....to know that I dont play....he was terrified! I dont think this will be an ongoing issue....but if I were to believe for a second it was I would have no problem ending our relationship in a hot second!
I think that any involvement
I think that any involvement with her should have included you. He is probably ashamed that he got conned by such an obvious attention seeker, maybe he felt sorry for her! Maybe she saw a no go with him and moved on swiftly to next target. Actually, it sounded like a good thing for her that you were there, it gave her the opportunity to move in on her next 'victim'. Guys can be sooooooo dense sometimes, seriously!
I'd tell him to take this as a 'lesson learned' and move on from it. Laugh at him, let him know what an idiot he was, while telling him you are a little upset and dissapointed in him and his lack of consideration for you feelings as his WIFE! Having said that, OK, it's not what you were looking for, however, I do understand your feelings. One girl in DH's uni class was a stereotypical 'siren' and had all the men flocking around her and while DH and I were standing back watching I asked him how pathetic he thought those guys looked. He had to agree, VERY! Guys can be that way, it's a terrible truth.
Do you know if she still has
Do you know if she still has the texts?
If he didn't do anything wrong, why delete his texts?
Agreed. He got rid of the
Agreed. He got rid of the incriminating evidence.
She claims she cant send them
She claims she cant send them to me because of some app on her phone....
I think she's full of it.
None of his texts are stored. He did not just go in and specifically delete hers.
He actually wished he still had the texts so he could prove to me that her statement about him being aggressive and pushy and about the BJ could be dis-proven.
I did fib to her and tell her that he was going to show me the texts.
She backtracked and said "oh well he never texted about a bj" when before she had told me he had.
He is not innocent in this equation as I previously stated...but I do believe she is amping it up trying to cause trouble for him because he pissed her off at the convention.
I hate to tell you this,
I hate to tell you this, but…it sounds like your DH is a totally different person when he is not in your presence. I actually work with a man just like this. He is a total whore and scum when not around his wife.
She has absolutely NO clue of how her husband really is. To her, he is the most honest, honorable father that she has ever known. It is the weirdest thing to see. And I’m sorry, but I think you are being way to easy on him about this and it is going to make him F around on you even more since he pulled the wool over your eyes this time. You need to stop making excuses for what he did. I would bet a years salary that he would have messed around with that girl, if she would have let him. JMHO
Well said.^^ I see a lot of
Well said.^^
I see a lot of excuse making here. "that's just how men are" is no excuse. Looking is one thing, but he pushed it further and so did the other woman.
I can see your ladies
I can see your ladies perspective...that was so my exH.
I assure you my DH is not that guy though. He is not that confident, that forward, and he is kind of dopey...shy. Heck I wish he would be a bit more aggressive and confident...it embarrasses me that he is not so he is certainly not pretending to be that way.
Even his ex (BM#2) agreed with me that there is no way he could have been as aggressive and blatant in asking for a BJ as this girl says....it is just not his way. He is much more subtle. He would have used the costume/makeup as an in to ask for pictures (which is what he did) and then he would have followed that up with a "looks nice"...and maybe a "do you have any more" but thats about as pushy as he gets. He pursued me for about 9 months before we actually got together....I know his style.
I guess he's learned his
I guess he's learned his lesson then.
Read above. I'm glad that
Read above.
I'm glad that your marriage works for you.
I am certainly not a "if he looks at another girl he's cheating" kind of girl. Hell I look at other girls. I think it would annoy me if he pretended not to look at other girls. We have always been very open and even point cute girls out to each other. I know what he likes and I'm often the one to say "oh check her out...cute huh?"
In my marriage keeping only unto me, means having sex with only me and being loving to only me.
Him talking to her...even asking to see pics of her is not really a big issue with me. The issue is that he didnt tell me about it...and that is kind of how are relationship is and always has been. We enjoy our openness. This is not typical. In this case though he screwed up...and he is paying for it by being in the dog house...but I am pretty confident he wont make this mistake again.
It is kind of hilarious to me that we just spent the majority of our weekend with a bunch of high end strippers and lady's of the night...and I'm depressed because he looked at some average looking chubby girls pictures in a sexy costume. In the whole scheme of things it seems silly.
I am entitled to my depression but put into perspective I can see the irony.
Maybe he felt that since you
Maybe he felt that since you guys have such openess about sexuality in your marriage that it wouldn't be a big deal to not tell you about the pics. I know that if my DH and I were cool with openly checking out other people and had the openess that you do, it probably wouldn't surprise me if he had pics of other women...IMO, of course.
Yeah..you're right. It
Yeah..you're right. It probably wouldn't have been a big deal if she hadn't approached me. I think just being caught off guard like that made me uncomfortable and I feel that if I would have known it would have been a non issue. In the moment she approached me she was telling me about the pics, the BJ proposition, the aggressiveness....all of which did not sound like him at all and I was just so caught off guard and flabbergasted. She took a truth and embellished it into something way more then it was. I am pretty confident of that after hashing this all out. She started with the pics...realized that didn't bother me and then started adding things to try to find something that would. Finally I just told her that I didn't really care as long as he didn't have sex with her...which she had already told me had not happened. She hasn't contacted me since. She really was just trying to stir something up as payback for him not being interested in her as more then a special fx model...and for getting in her way of hooking up with the main character of there web-show...and for being a better assistant at the convention then she was. I love my DH and he has never given me reason to doubt him in the 5 years we have been together. Our relationship has been good, and he was genuinely mortified when this occurred so I think lessons have been learned and we are OK to move on from it.