Haven't been in your situation, just wanted to say good luck. Hope it all works out for you guys.

Yes, best of luck. Wishing you all peace and finally some rest from the drama.

No experience here. Hope neither of the skids ever live with us full time. But I do wish you well.

It must be hard knowing it is best for her to be in a stable environment with you all but honestly not wanting her in your house...

Sending you good Karma!

I have not written to the judge but have met with the Guardian ad Litem one-on-one and shared my perspective. The GAL took my perspective into consideration and, I believe, it influenced his ultimate recommendation (in our favor).

Good luck to you.

Hi. I'm new to the site, but not new to being a step parent, parent, or step child.

Sounds like you had a "me" at her age. My parents were constantly in court, fighting. More one side fighting and the other responding (I know this now, but then I just saw it as constant fighting).

I was about this age when things started going horribly for all involved, my decisions got worse, and my remorse for the bad decisions seemed to steadily decline. At the time i didn't quite realize that I just

wanted their attenion on ME

- rather than have all of

the action going on ABOUT me

. But I digress...

My XSS never came home with tattoos, dyed hair, or peircings. I never had to go through that with him. But boy did my BM&D and SM&D go through it with me.

I know it's tempting to think that dyed hair, however shocking it may be, is a sign of disrespect. And maybe it is. Maybe that red/blue/purple/black/green/orange hair was done JUST TO P!$$ you off. And from the sound of it, it worked. She won.

But I will put my two cents in, however worthless/worthy it may be. Teens go through image crises even when their lives are absolutely whole and perfect. Throw in a little parental discord, some bad decisions, over the top friends and voila! Recipe for aggravation-via-image.

My kids have the option of wearing their hair however they would like to while they are kids and are doing what they are supposed to be doing (that's the key thing there). If their grades are good and they follow the rules - they can wear their hair however.

Because - well, this really is the only time in their lives they can experiment with "extreme" looks and get away with it. Why force them to conform at the most experimental & creative time of their lives? It won't damage their career, get them fired, lose them friends (how many friends do you ahve from 15 still to this day?), or give them anything but startled looks until they get tired of "being different" like all of their other wacky friends.

The harder you fight it, the harder they fight back.

I would caution you, at 15 my SM gave me an ultimatum about my hair. I had a 2 foot multi-colored mohawk (gimme a break, it was the 80s). She told me no child was going to live in her house looking like that. My immediate thought was, wait, isn't it MY house too? She didn't see it that way. I said fine. I cut and ran the first chance I had. I lived in my car for about 9 mos, sleeping and friends houses and other such places the entire time, doing what I watned and staying away from my parents. For the record, I'm now nearly 40 and SM and I have a great relationship. She apologized for many things, as did I. But it took another decade from that day to make things right.

Had my BD and SM just worked with me on WHO I was, the outside would have eventually matched the inside. Hitting on my image first - as offensive as it may have been to them - was entirely the wrong way to go. In my opinion - and still to this day it is - my image was THE ONLY THING I could control in that crazy, turbulent time in my life.

Just a thought and a different perspective.

JRTerrierMom

Ok, lol. I did read through your blogs. that why I said, sounds like you have a "me" at her age.

I suppose I should be lucky my SM had no children of her own to say I wasn't the type that would be good enough to even be a sister to the likes of her Biokids. I mean, it isn't likely that her kids would have seen society's reactions to me and made good educated decisions on their own because my SM had raised them that way.

And yes, you do sound like a snob - but that's ok. You have that right, absolutely.

Truth is - you've made your decision. You don't like this kid, you're mad at her, she doesnt' like you, she's mad at you. As you say, it's fine if she runs away.

If you're ever up to listening to what happens to runaways - I'd be glad to tell you. I'm one of the truly, TRULY lucky ones. I found someone that was patient, kind, and taught me what I needed to learn.

But - that was my luck and my choice.

And, your perspective on tattooed, pierced, white-haired female's isn't this tattooed, pierced, white-haired woman's reality. I live in a very nice neighborhood, have great kids, a normal relationship, a full time professional job, a college degree, and - I can say with a good feeling - a successful life. As do several other women like myself.

I was just trying to get you to see it from a different perspective - and maybe help you open a door of communication. Good luck with everything. I will move along now.

JRTerrierMom

Jsmom, I think you're coming across as pissed off and closed off to ANY perspective right now.

I think this stress of your dh fighting for custody of her-when in reality it's just to get custody of SS and what it means if you DO win-is monumnetally life changing and abotu to throw your whole life in disarray.

SO-i can read between the lines that you are likely angry, hurt, scared and anxious about the future...but I really think this poster was just trying to show the perspective as a child-and her own and had a very valid approach and idea worth considering.. to me at least honestly.