Adult step children-need advise-share your experience
My story...I was 36 when I married my husband. I have no biological children. He had one biological & one step child. The biological son has been living with us for 6 years. Everything started out ok. I was even told by two of his girlfriends that he had more respect for me than his own mother. He used to tell me that when he had kids, his children would know me as grandma. Fast forward to this past year. SS started having his girlfriend spend the night all the time. It is safe to say she was living with us. I explained to my husband that I was not raised that way and I don't condone it. What really upset me is that every morning she was the last one to leave our home. I told my husband that I wanted a rule set that she had to leave when we weren't there. He told SS this but never enforced it. I then had at least two talks with both husband and SS that when SS leaves his guest needs to leave as well. For some reason no one followed that very simple rule and eventually I blew up. I was tired of coming home and having to wait until they finished cooking their dinner before I could start mine. I never signed up to live with another adult couple. They left that evening and have only stayed at our house maybe three nights.
For weeks SS wouldn't speak to me. Needless to say our relationship has changed a lot. He rarely talks to me direct. Mainly just to his father. SS and finance have bought a home and expecting a baby in four months. Since that blowup she has been very cold to me. I've explained to my husband that they hate me because he buried his head and didn't take care of the situation. He wants me just to let it go and get over it. He doesn't see how it affect everyone. They only speak to me when spoken to. I've been very nice trying to help out when they were searching for a home. I can't get past the coldness.
How do you move forward? I'm scared to follow in love with the grandchild since her parents don't care for me. I've explained to my husband that when he dies they won't have anything to do with me. Do I have reason to be this concerned/cautious? How many of you have been burned? Any advise besides don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you?
I sure hope things get better
I sure hope things get better for you. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I would love to do this! LOL
I would love to do this! LOL Another thing I would like to do it go there and do all my laundry, use the very last drop of the soap and just leave. See if they like it when they go to do their own.
Preach it , sister! I
Preach it , sister! I couldn't agree with this more. If one of our grown children needed to live with us for some reason, that's fine as long as they pay rent. But move in your fuck buddy? NO WAY.
You did nothing wrong. This
You did nothing wrong. This is all on your DH for not backing you up. I wouldn't worry about them. Disengage completely. Trust me, they will be back when they have the kid and can not afford child care....Then you can have the relationship on your terms.
Your beef is with your husband and honestly, this is all his fault and I would be addressing it with him. He owes you an apology.
Classic case of DH throwing
Classic case of DH throwing wife under bus.
That whole living situation was wrong from the get go. DH was most likely playing both sides and who knows how he really felt about it. For all you know, DH told the "kids" you were hunky dory with it, so when you blew up, they were blown away.
Im sorry, but any self respecting young woman should have made absoltely 100% sure that the lady of the house was ok with the arrangement. She should have personally talked with you to feel you out about it. Instead she took the usual immature stance and let boyfriend decide for her.
I can almost hear it now. Her : "Are you sure it's ok?" Him: "Yeah my Dad's totally cool with it" And that's how YOUR future was planned for you.
Thanks for all of the
Thanks for all of the responses! I think I'm going to love this website....
Anyways, to answer a few questions / comments. My SS will be 24 in a couple of months works full time in the Union making great money but never had to pay rent. He was not always bad like I attempted to say at the beginning. For example, he used buy some groceries, laundry soap. When he and his first serious GF broke up he sat down at the kitchen table with us and asked us if it was ok for him to purchase a new truck while living in our home. I loved the fact that he asked that - I was extremely impressed! He had already paid off another truck that was getting high miles and the truck he wanted to buy wasn't brand new. It was 2 years old and a good buy. The important thing i'm getting at is that he asked.
My DH says that he understands how I feel/felt. He knows it was time for them to go. We have been doing great since they left. I just make the mistake of telling him about SS and GF actions/coldness towards me and that's what he wants me to get over. When they, SS and GF, first started coming back around I would wonder off to my room and leave them to what ever they were talking about. My DH called me out on this saying that it wasn't going to help all of us get past it. Don't get me wrong, I love my DH and he is a great man. I don't mean to imply that he is always telling me to get over it and let it go. Yesterday when I noticed that my cable to charge my IPOD was missing (I'm sure that SS packed it) I told DH that if I don't have another one around the house then SS can't take that! I found another one in the junk drawer so that's all good. My DH reminded me it will be just a few more days then time to celebrate in our home.
Trust me - the night I blew up I clearly expressed that if they want to play like house it was time they did it in their own home. At the time that I blew up and thought my DH didn't have my back - I told all three of them that I had the perfect solution. They could all live here happy and together and I would move out.
So, next question, how do you disengage and not upset the DH when doing that?
I did not announce my
I did not announce my disengagement either. I think that's the way to go. And honestly, I'm not sure my DH ever noticed. As SA says, a lot of it is a head game. I stopped chasing them. I stopped answering the phone when their numbers popped up on caller id. I stopped sending them email or fb posts when I thought of them. Stopped picking up things I thought they would like. Stopped arranging trips to see them. Stopped taking days off work when they would visit us.
What I DID do was be more vocal (lovingly vocal, at least as much as I could muster) with DH about what I needed from him. I needed him to STOP with the memory lane trips, hours on end with SD (because it actively excluded me). I needed him to STOP sending money to SS whenever he called (because that meant I had to pick up more household expenses). I made it about my relationship and my life with DH. That has worked well. Heck, life with DH is now about the two of us.
DH LIKES that I tell him what I need from our relationship. And my relationship has improved with the skids, too, because they don't irritate me so damn much. They take up very little head space with me. Win win.
I think the actions of
I think the actions of disengagement almost anger a BP MORE than words. I disengaged from SS21 when he went to rehab last Fall. Dh and I had two really big fights that almost ended our marriage because he hated that I didn't want to hear about his son and I never asked about him. Too bad. This kid has been a thorn in my side for 4 years and I'd had enough. I got to hear the "You hate my kid!" more times than I could count or "You're just happy he's gone." (Ok...so it was THAT noticeable.)
What I've come to learn about Skids is that the SP simply doesn't have that unconditional love they have for their own children. I have 4 DDs and dh has 3 sons and we both can forgive our own kids over and over and over much more quickly than each other's. To love someone else's kids as much as your own I would think would be unnatural.
I personally wouldn't worry about SS or his GF ever speaking to you again. Your home, your rules. You did the right thing.
almost identical thing
almost identical thing happened here. Adult sd and husband lived with us. did nothing around the house, never offered to grab some milk, mow lawn, do some laundry. walked in without speaking to us, never invited us to eat with them or hang out. they simply lived in my house for 8 months, took us for granted and disrespected us.
DH and I came home from dinner one night, I'd had too much to drink and was really mad they left their mess in the kitchen again so i told dh they were going to have to get out. it got heated. i was louder than i should have been. i said a lot of things i shouldn't have and they moved out a week later.
a year or so later they have a baby. we'd tried to have some relationship over that year but really had none. they only talked to us when they wanted something. they allowed us to come see the baby when it was born and i fell in love. for 5 weeks were were allowed to see her, hold, play, snuggle this beautiful sweet baby.
then out of the blue bm went apeshit over dh having a relationship with baby and we were told out of the blue to leave THEIR family alone and we're dead to them and we should never speak to them again. we've had so much shit from these kids through the years that this time dh said fine. done. i'm dead to you. so be it. none of them have spoken to us since.
maybe someday they will, but i bet not anytime soon.
so don't trust them. they will turn on you.
My question is what do you
My question is what do you want? To be close again? It sounds like you miss the relationship that you had with your stepson. Do you want your dh to tell you that you were right about them living with you and that ss and gf are wrong in their behavior?
If you want to make the relationship right then you have to own your own Bullsh**. It sounds to me like there are unresolved issues from the "blow up". Did you handle that issue like an adult? It sounds like the answer was no and that you got pretty heated. If you are not happy with family members living in your home it is appropiate to have a conversation with them that is calm and clear. "Since you don't care for my rules I think it is time for you to move out. I wish you the best and will you move out this friday or next?" Blow ups are not good solutions and seldom have the best results.
I suggest that review your blow up and see if there are any reasons to make amends with the ss and gf. "While it was time to move out - I regret causing such a scene. I am sorry for yelling, name calling, fill in the blank, etc." Dont worry if they dont respond appropiately or at all. Watch and listen to their response. If they take it as an opportunity to attack just say I'm sorry you feel that way and leave the setting. That is a sign that they don't want to repair the relationship at this time. You have owned your own Bullsh** and they have to own theirs.
Pretending that nothing is wrong and just "getting over it" does not repair any relationships.
Good Luck
I agree that taking ownership
I agree that taking ownership of bad behavior is a sign of strength. It also frees me of any guilt and shame for my less than great behavior or words. The real upside is when I watch the response of the party that I am apologizing too. Do they see it as a signal to attack? Do they see it as an opportunity to own their own Bullshi** and appologize also for their part in the event? Can they forgive? Either the relationship is repaired or I see the other party as someone who I might not be able to have a close relationship with. While it is sad to have to move away from people that I thought I was close to it is easier to to that than to continue with a pretend relationship. Personally, I do not want to have a close relationship with anyone who cannot say the words "I was wrong" and "I am sorry".
For my own situation, once I was able to see that I would not have the relationship with SD#1 that I would like to have it was easier for me to put her and her family at arms length. I am polite and nice but I don't put myself, or let my dh put me, in a situation where sd31 can manipulate, use, or abuse me any longer. I also chose to put my engergy into relationships that are more to my liking.
Does this mean that I am not vey close to sd#1s children? Yes it does - but just as I controlled my children's relationships when they were little so does their mom. It is a fact of life. Does this mean that when/if dh dies that sd#1 will not have anything to do with me? Most likely. I have very little invested in that relationship anymore.
Oh my god. Me TOO. An
Oh my god. Me TOO. An apology is not an invitation to be trashed. It should be obvious that that you already know what you did wrong, hence the apology. But like the poster said above, it is a sign of strength. If the person on the other end doesnt recognize that, it shows how weak they are.
Very well said - point taken.
Very well said - point taken.
That's funny StepAside...that
That's funny StepAside...that is exactly how my DH's eldest daughter thinks.
After she has flipped her lid and caused unspeakable problems for long periods she then decides she is 'all better and okay now' and then the comments start coming back to DH and I from YSD how "some people just need to get over things"
I've felt it was meant for me. That DH's eldest suddenly decides that when she is all over her issues for a time being, that I should should jump on the band wagon and forget all her wrongs (abuse, drama, trauma, pain...) and this time round when I haven't 'just gotten over it all' well, I'm a wimp and holding on to the bad feelings
To me, that attitude, from DH's eldest daughter or even YSD, is simply a lack of accountability for all her wrongs. Sort of like your SM, refusing to acknowledge what she had done to hurt and destroy others, refusing to admit blame for her own actions - that is truly the sign of a wimp to me. That makes her weak and insecure in my eyes
Well, we moved the SS and GF
Well, we moved the SS and GF into their new home Friday. It was the fastest move I've ever experienced. They both thanked us for our help. My DH thanked me for putting up with everything as long as I did and apologized for not having SS obey a rule that I set. I had an incredible weekend!
Hopefully, everyone will get a long better now. Thanks for sharing
I
I
Sorry. pressed the wrong
Sorry.
pressed the wrong key.
you absolutely need to be cautious! !There's no amount of love or compassion you give that will change that skid!
My warning sign was
Early in our relationship, my husband and I got in a horrible fight.
he bought a one way ticket to his home country Australia. Left me at the ranch we shared.
I get a call the next day from his bitch of a daughter saying that her and her mom were driving up the following week to come to her dads house to make sure I get my things! And also said that he's not coming back!
He called asking me for forgiveness saying how much hes sorry for leaving but he lives me etc...
I told him I will not even consider speaking with him until he starts protecting me from his daughter! I told him I will not spend an ounce of my time or give him my love or part of my life if he doesn't call an attorney and start preparing a living will and trust and life insurance!
He did. But im still bothered by that after all these years! Theres no telling what they will do!
But you need to seriously think about protecting yourself from any harm or abuse from the dysfunction that you didnt create!
Be very very cautious. ..