Stupidity 101 must be a class taught at local high schools
So SD21 this past weekend went to go visit her former fiancee who is in prison. For those that don't know, he was convicted of manslaughter of SD21's 3 month old son, which is the reason why she came to live with us. Back in April he plead guilty and will serve over 16 years in prison. During this whole time, SD21 has been communicating with him by phone, and he also sends letters to our our home. I'm always tempted to just tear up the letters, but I don't because I don't want to get in trouble for messing with someone's mail. Of course my wife agreed to watch her 2 yr old while she was gone for the weekend.
We know something is up with her, because after we came back from our vacation, half of her stuff is packed up. My wife asked her why she has some of her stuff packed, and SD21 just said "I don't know." So when she got back from the prison trip this weekend, she was home for all of maybe 10 mins before she left with her son. Yesterday on her facebook status, she put that she still loves Derek (her ex) and will stand by his side because he is a good man, a good son/brother, and a good father. She also put that she is engaged to him again. My wife is literally an emotional wreck right now. This man shook her infant son, then when he stopped breathing he called 911 and lied, saying the infant choked on his bottle. While the infant lay in the hospital dying, he continued lie even more, saying he accidentally dropped the infant in the tub. He has lied all along, and is STILL lying to this day about what happened.
How can my SD be so fucking stupid to go back to a man who murdered her son. To a man that has physically abused her, and who also would rather spend money getting weed/alcohol than paying rent and providing a place for his family. Also less than 24 hours after our grandson was dead, SD21 was in a hotel room crying uncontrollably and he told her to "Get over it".
I honestly feel like its a big slap in the face to all of us who have bent over backwards for her, let her get away with stuff that we normally wouldn't because of what happened, and basically walked on eggshells around her. It's a an emotional blow to all of us who sat in that hospital room watching him pass away from his injuries. I just don't get it.....
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Wow, frustratedstepdad, I
Wow, frustratedstepdad, I didn't know that part of your history. I'm so sorry for you and your family. I thought just what you've described about SD since I've joined was bad enough, let alone what her boyfriend did and her going back to him!
Stupidity is not a strong enough word here. I don't think the English language provides a word for the scope and breadth of her stupidity.
Why doesn't your wife take
Why doesn't your wife take the two year old away from her? I have a friend that is in process of taking custody of her grandson from their daughter because she can not get her act together. She should kick her out and keep the kid...This girl is hopeless.
FSD, Not to be insensitive,
FSD,
Not to be insensitive, but, you can't fix stupid so don't even try. She is a lost cause until enough time goes by for her to find someone and move on.
It is your surviving grandkids that I would be worried about. Anyone who would maintain a relationship with a person who killed her infant child is a danger to children themselves IMO.
My condolences on the loss of your grand child and your SD's state of supidity.
Best regards,
If she's gone for good, it's
If she's gone for good, it's probably for the best. Everyone would have trouble understanding how a woman who could describe a man who has murdered her son as a "good father". She is obviously not in touch with reality at all.
I am not surprised your wife is in pieces, as I expect you are. To be honest, as a mother, I would have trouble carrying on a relationship with my daughter if she behaved like this. Assuming she is not mentally ill, she has lost her reason.
I don't know what to advise you to do, except to take care of yourself and your wife and be gentle with yourselves at this incredibly difficult time. Maybe seek some support from a religious or secular source, whichever is appropriate for you.
My deepest condolences to you
My deepest condolences to you & your family over the loss of your grandson.
I agree with Rags, you and your DW need to keep an eye on your surviving grandkids. Those kids need to be with people who will put their needs first and obviously SD is not doing that. If you and DW do decide to take in your older grandson, do you both have family and/or friends nearby who'd be willing to help?
I hope and pray that SD will get it together for her son. You, DW and your gransons are in my thoughts & prayers.
Oh we already know that she
Oh we already know that she won't really wait on him. Hell just during this past year she's dated about 4 to 5 different guys. It's the fact that she would even think about standing by his side. My wife has already briefly mentioned trying to gain custody of her son, because honestly she can't provide for him anyway because we've been buying all the food and things he needs.
I agree with iwlass-if you
I agree with iwlass-if you haven't lived it it's hard to grasp the utter control an abuser like him can have. She is completely lost right now.
THAT said, perhaps the thought of losing her remaining child will force her to get out of denial and get some intense counseling and better her life.
What a waste....glad he is locked up, sorry about the loss of your grandson, how tragic and horrible!!
****Update***** So my wife
****Update*****
So my wife just sent me a text and said that SD21 just told her she will be moving down to Eugene, OR (where her ex's family is located) on Oct 1st. Then she actually had the nerve to ask for money, which my wife told her no. That's funny because I just made her sign a rental agreement and she was supposed to start paying $250 a month for rent on Sept 1st.
When she moves out, I am changing the locks at our house and NOBODY else is moving in barring some type of tragedy.
Yeah I already know that she
Yeah I already know that she will try to come back. and it ain't happening. I already have it set in my mind to get the locks changed once she moves out. No way am I putting up with her bullshit again. I'm sure when she wants to come back that DW will give me a guilt trip, but I am not budging on this one. It's time for SD21 to grow the hell up and start making it on her own.
Also her ex's mom is a complete mess. She was dating some guy who is the same age as her son at one point and got pregnant by him. So her son and her grandson are the same age. Also she has lost custody of her kids in the past, and she has no job. She's always having to borrow money from her mom for things like shoes, pants, etc and has no desire to work. So there's no way in hell she could ever get custody.
I agree with the others,
I agree with the others, she's at an age where she may very well be a lost cause. To even consider being with the man who killed her son - unthinkable.
You can't focus on her, you need to focus on trying to get the other grandchild away from her before something happens a 2nd time. If she isn't willing to protect her children, someone needs to.
I am so sorry for you and your wife.
Oregon!!!!! That explains a
Oregon!!!!! That explains a whole lot. My wife is from OR, and so is the SpermIdiot. SS was born when my DW was 16 and DickHead was 22 so teens and 20's folks from OR seem to be devoid of a brain or at lease decent judgement.
I am to this day amazed by the % of my wife's HS class that had oowl children while in HS and oowl children in to their 20's. It has to be the wood chips, water or spotted owl droppings up there in OR that has some mind and judgment sucking impact on developing brains. I think it is a problem that SOME grow out of but for some reason a very high percentage of the Oregonaoians in their teens and 20's seem to suffer from what I can only describe as an environmentally caused stupidity.
Fortunately my DW found her brain and went on to finish HS with her class and with honors, college with honors, grad school with honors and is now a CPA.
DickHead went on to a notable breeding career with several underaged womb donors and had a total of 4 oowl spawn with three baby mamas all who are raised by someone else. My son is his oldest and our only and we raise him. #2,#3 & #4 are raised by SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa with no help from their breeder deadbeat dipshit of a son or the other two womb donors. The SpermGrandParents also paid DipShit's CS obligation for my SS. So this environmental stupidity can effect people for a life time. None of the adult members of the SpermClan have shown any signs of growing out of it.
DW's BFF is a Corrections Officer married to a Corrections Officer so they may very well know your SD's murdering baby daddy.
IM me his info and I will see what I can find out about his life and behavior behind bars. As a child murderer I would put his odds of surviving for 16yrs in prison as very low.
No offense to anyone from Oregon. I know many very fine people from there. But I do find the frequency of stupidity and inability to learn how to make quality decisions and reach viable adulthood to be quite high.
My wifes Sibs, parents and many of her extended family seem to have the same issues your SD has with asking for you/us to finance their idiot decisions.
Again my condolences on the loss of your grand child.
Best regards,
No offense taken here because
No offense taken here because you are absolutely right about Oregon. All four of my SD's got pregnant before the age of 21, and so did my DW. Way too many kids having babies out here. Since I moved here over 4 years ago, every single year some young person in my wife's family has been pregnant if you count the SKIDs. I've said many times that it must be something in the water out here.
As far as SD's ex goes, we already know he is getting beat up in prison, so who knows how long he will actually last there.
Lol! I have given my wife
Lol! I have given my wife crap about the fertile water in OR myself. I pointed it out early in our 17+ year relathionship.
My SIL (DW's younger sister) prides herself in not having an oowl child until she was 20. She actually had the stones to tell my wife "Well, at least I was not a single TEEN mother". Funny what an idiot will find pride in.
My BIL#1 got his GF pregnant and then they rushed to get married. It was of course a big secret that no one knew about.
They called DW on the way home from their 3day honeymoon to Black Butte (that we paid for) to surprise my wife with the news that "we got pregnant on our wedding night. we just decided to stop in the pharmacy and pick up a test on our drive home".
My wife's total lack of excited reaction pissed off her new SIL to the point that she will not allow a relationship between my BIL1 and his sister (my wife). My wife's infraction, "you did not scream and holler in excitement like my big sister did". My wife is a CPA, was at a client and could not whoop it up. Not that she would have. Two of hte three of my wife's three younger sibs have always ridiculed her for having SS when she was 16.
BIL#2 (second to youngest of the 4) is the only one of the three younger ones who has done shit with his life and who has been nothing but absolutely supportive of his big sister.
I of course went on the shit list of all of my ILs when they were giving my wife crap about getting pregnant at 16 (she was 33 at the time of this incident) and I said "Well, what is worse, a 20 getting pregnant oowl a 25yo knocking up his GF oowl or a 16yo and I find it interesting that you all judge her when she mad a mistake when she was a kid and you bith did it when you were supposedly viable adults. I also find it interesting that not one kid in this generation of the family was either born or conceived within the bounds of a marriage. Hmmmmmm! You would think you two would have learned from the lessons of your sister and also learned that a mistake does not prevent you with doing something with your life. Your sister finshed with her HS class with honors, a BS with honors and an MBA wtih honors and is no a CPA. Both of you barely passed HS, one of you is a stocker at WalMart and the other is a farm laborer and neither of you can afford to raise your own childen. Your big sister needs no help so I would recommend that noone ever say a word about my wife having a child at 16 again unless you want me to review the facts of the birth or conception of your own children."
Bad Rags, bad.
So I am the asshole SIL/BIL. But, that sure does not prevent them from calling to whine for money, a car, furniture, etc.... when they want something.
What amazes me is that they have yet to learn that the answer is always NO!
Good grief. This reminds me
Good grief. This reminds me of a story about a family friend who's BF killed her baby, went to jail, and died of lung cancer 15 years later.
Karma is a B!@!@
I'm sorry to hear that SD has lost all sense of reason. But on the other hand she will be out of your house. You have no control over her choices, but you can attempt to control the guardianship of her child. Are you and DW willing to fight for custody? I'm sure w/her background the court will be happy to turn over guardianship.
Finally, I'm sorry you and DW had to go through the mental and emotional anguish of the loss of SD's child.
Yes you are right...the only
Yes you are right...the only thing I'm concerned with now is the life the grandchild will be living, being around such dysfunctional people. The ex's mom, she cuts herself, and does it in front of her kid, and she thinks nothing is wrong with it. My wife and I are definitely thinking about pursuing custody at some point if SD21 keeps going downhill.
Actually you're not too far off from what actually started the fight. The tension between the two had been building up all week. On that last day SD21 said that SD24's kid is a brat. SD24 got mad and said that SD21's son is also a brat, and how she is more focused on smoking weed than being a parent. So that's what got the fight started. I swear you'd think they were 12 yrs old or something.