{{{Hugs}}} I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I can really relate to this post. I hate hearing that you don't understand until you have children of your own. While this may be true, I don't need to hear it.

My ex hub and I tried for awhile to have kids and it never happened. After my divorce at age 36, I figured I still had time. Time goes by fast. I did not start dating DH until I was 45...approx. six months after my total hysterectomy. Having a hysterectomy with no children is heartbreaking. I knew I was getting too old, at 44, to have a child, but it was still an option. Then that option was taken away. That was 5 years ago. It took me a long time to get past the pain of knowing I would never carry a child. Most of the time it's ok now, I don't have that pain, but every once in awhile it rears its ugly head.

Again, I am sorry for your pain. I know it well. Hang in there!

I have two older sisters and neither of them even got married, so my mom never got bio grandchildren. We do have a close family friend, also single, who adopted two girls from China, and they adopted my mom as their grandma...their only grandma died...but I know it also hurts her that none of us had kids. Sometimes I look at people who are horrible moms and wonder, why them and not me? But I trust God and His plan for me. I'm thankful He gave me someone to love, not once but twice!

My hope is that if I pour into the skids, maybe someday they will realize it. I'm just trying to show them "normal" behavior as their mom has mental issues. I want them to see a normal, loving relationship between a man and woman and normal, healthy conflict resolution. They don't appreciate it now, but hopefully seeds are being planted. Hopefully they are for your swine too! (Sorry, couldn't resist)

You are so right. I am so very sorry you are in so much pain. Although I have a kiddo, I was told for almost 15yrs I could not have kids. The nightmare of the skid drove me crazy...and many times I was told "I didn't know because I was not a mom..." and when they used to say that to me, I could NOT have children...so I understand your pain. Somehow things changed for me, not even the doctors know, and I now have a son. I have to say, I am the same as I was before. I don't put up with bs from my son and I sure was not going to put up with bs from an skid. My dh sees it now...as he was one of the ones who used to tell me that. Funny, our son is doing wonderful because I didn't put up with bs...his daughter? Ah...17 in 2 weeks, in 9th grade still and with a 1yr old...gotta love it.

PS - tell people to stuff it!

I am so sorry, DH & I had a lot of difficulty getting pregnant. At times, it was difficult to look at a child he had with someone else and I have always had a good relationship with SD and been treated with full parental authority in our home. I can only imagine how difficult it would be without the support I had. Hopefully your support sisters and brothers here will allow you to vent a little & feel better.

TickleBrie, I am also a childless stepmom. I am childless by choice, in that I chose to marry DH knowing that he wasn't able to have anymore kids. When we met, my stepchildren lacked a mother. She left them at 3 & 5 years old. They had a void I could fill, & I felt God put me there for them. A few years passed & she came back. They no longer needed me, yet I still needed them.

I'm the 7th child of 9. All of my siblings have married & have had children of their own. I turned 36 in July & still struggle with the thought that I will never have a child of my own. Sometimes I feel cheated. I feel angry that BM was allowed to have children she doesn't love enough. I feel angry that I loved them enough to give up having my own, yet they still chose her. I feel sad when I realize I'll likely spend my last years alone in some home somewhere with no one to care for me or check on me, & it scares me.

I did choose this for myself, believing that my stepkids would always love me the way they did when their mother was gone. Looking back, I realize that to think that was ignorant.

I will say, though, that having been married to an emotionally abusive ex I wouldn't trade my DH for anything in the world. He is good to me & he loves me with everything in his soul. While our home-life suffers with the drama of a POS BM, I truly couldn't ask for a better marriage.

Given that, I can't honestly say that if I had it to do again I would do it any differently. The things I have experienced...the things I've felt in my heart & deep in my soul...I wouldn't trade it if it meant having to spend my life with someone else. I still love my stepkids without condition. They are troubled & they are angry, but they still have their place in my heart.

I can't tell you how many times BM has told me, "I think you would understand if you had children of your own". All I can tell you is that I have more love for my stepchildren than she'll ever have for her own. It doesn't take giving birth to be compassionate & empathetic. It doesn't take giving birth to be understanding & loving. I have more of ALL of that in me, having never given birth, than BM could ever dream of having, & she's done it twice!

When it comes down to it, I am still convinced that I have been given this life...this situation for a reason. I do offer my stepkids parts of my heart that they'll never get from their mother. They probably don't recognize it that way, but I truly believe that my influence will have an impact for the better, & feeling like I make even a little bit of a difference...that helps me feel good about where I am.

I'm not familiar with your personal situation, but wanted to let you know that you're not alone in what you feel. (((Hugs))) to you.

I was married for over 10 years to my ex, but chose not to have kids because I have a chronic illness. I was afraid that if it worsened, I would not be a good mom. I know my parents are disappointed, but I think I made the right decision. They do not understand how much pain I am in sometimes. No one does, unless they have this kind of illness. There are days when I am in agony. My brother lives in another state, and has a not so nice wife, so I don't think my parents will have a relationship with any kids they may have.

I cringe when people express their opinions about women who do not have bio children. To assume things is just so sad. I was once told it was my duty to have kids.

My boyfriend has 3 adult children. They are horrible people, and I will never have a relationship with them. I don't want to. He is finally seeing them for who they really are, and while I know it hurts him, he is also the most calm and relaxed I have ever seen him, now that he has stopped enabling and they have stopped demanding his every penny.

Their latest game is that he is disowned until he leaves me. They only ever want(ed) money from him anyway, so this is not really a threat. My bf's mom, however, is a HUGE problem. She believes that he should enable them, and "prove his love" by giving them what they want. It does not matter how they treat him, or me, or even her-she totally believes that they will wake up and be loving children one day, but only if he does what they want to get them to that point. I, of course, completely disagree with her. Most of us would, I am sure.....

She has said I don't understand because I am not a mom. At first, I ignored her, bc she is otherwise a nice person, but now I have completely disengaged from her. I may not be a mom, but in my world, children do not lie to, steal from, manipulate, or treat their parents cruelly. I could write much more about them, but I am learning that not being around this woman is the best thing for me. We cannot visit, nor can my bf have a conversation with her, without her bringing up his children. She reads his daughter's Facebook (which is constant drama and lies) and then barrages my bf with 1000 questions. I am DONE.

I do think she is angry with me, and truly believes that bc I am not a mom, I am preventing my bf from having a relationship with these awful people. They were horrible before I came into the picture. In her mind, if I were a mom, I would encourage my bf to be treated badly as we wait for the day that his children will "become loving adults." That will never happen, but I guess I am the bad guy in his mom's eyes.

I feel for those of you without bio kids, bc being involved with people who have kids really puts you in running for all sorts of comments and assumptions, from those who feel they have the right to extend their opinions.

Disengaging worked for me, and it is not easy, but I love my bf, and at the end of the day, he and I are what matters. And I am not going to stand by and watch him be abused by toxic adults.

i'm a childless stepmom, too. i think ihave decided to give up on being any kind of positive or negative influence on skids. anything positive i do will be overlooked and/or spun to put the praise on bm/mil/sil. and any negative comments/actions makes me the bitch of sm every one wants to believe. so why bother?

btw, i also in a f'd up i way blame bm for me not having a child of my own, if that whore didn't lie about bc TWICE, then dh wouldn't have went and got the snip snip before the second mistake was even born.

I am also a childless stepmom. DH told me shortly after we started dating that he was done having children (he raised 2 stepkids, and two of his own). He even tried to break up with me because he felt I should have the opportnity to have children of my own. I made the choice to continue a healthy, honest, mature relationship with him because I thought that was worth more than the possibility that I would meet someone else and possibly have children. So, I "knew what I was getting into".

I don't think, ok, I KNOW I was not prepared for stepmotherhood. There aren't any stepkids in my family, and none of my friends growing up had divorced parents (sounds unbelievable, but true). BM in our case is a rotten person, who lies and uses people around her like tissue. Maybe I secretly thought I could be a healthy example of how a "grown-up" woman acts...you know, have a job, pay your bills, care for the people you love...All the skids saw was my wallet. at this point I barely even tell them "happy birthday". I am polite if they are here, but they aren't part of my life.

Sometimes I deeply regret that I will never share a child with my DH. I regret that my parents won't see me have a grandchild for them. I regret that my DH will miss raising a child with a sane woman, not some crazy selfish b&%#* that raises the kids beleiving someone else is really their father.

BUT, I don't regret marrying DH - he really is the love of my life. We have a healthy, loving relationship -- a true partnership. So I have to balance the possibilities of what might have been with the reality that I love my DH and could not imagine spending the rest of my life without him.. Maybe that's just the reality of stepmotherhood.

Hi, me too - no bio kids! I have to say though, that I grew up in a big family, it was really chaotic and I was bullied a lot by siblings. So when I grew up I was happy to just finally get in a living situation that was not non-stop arguing all the time. My family still drives me crazy and has not changed so that I actually limit my time with them as it is not healthy for me.

I did not get married until I was almost 40, and then felt I was too old to be fair to a child. I think if I would have gotten married earlier I would have but unfortunately then was not attracted to the kind of men who would make a good husband, or who cared enough about me to ask me for commitment - so I can't really regret how it worked out as I think it worked out for the best under the circumstances.

The only time I have really felt bad about it.is when my SD20 PAS'd out a few times growing up. I wanted to have a child simply to let DH experience being a parent in a healthy way, without all the abuse from BM and frankly SD too. But that is not really a good reason either.

I don't worry about growing old alone because who knows if we will even live that long anyway. Also seeing my siblings who have kids that neglect my parents shows me that having kids is no guarantee someone will check on you in your old age. I am just happy to have what I consider a fulfilling relationship with DH, that was a big goal I definitely wanted and have really enjoyed.

So don't worry honey - you have worth beyond being a baby making machine dear! If your family can't handle it they are the ones with the problem, not you. Really-!!!! And, who give a flying &$*% what BM thinks anyway??!!! hahahahahahahah!

I'm a childless SM but I'm also a SD. My stepmother came into my life when I was 8. My mother had been deceased for 2 years. While we experienced the tumult that is shared on this site, I can tell you that we have a very loving and supportive relationship now. My father is now deceased and we laugh about the irony of being "the last ones standing." I appreciate everything she did for me and understand why she disengaged. We're past all that. We love one another and I will be by her side and be a caring, loving SD for all the time we have left together. Don't give up hope...your skids may someday "get it" and may love, appreciate & be there for you after all is said and done.

Actually I am childfree as opposed to childless because I am child free by choice and love that choice.
I do not allow ppl with children to make me feel bad(why should I??) and make me feel I do not know much about raising kids because I don't have any. I am smart enough to observe that I know a large number of ppl with children who clearly do not have a clue and it shows in their parenting style as well as the spoiled little underachievers that they have created, also those who have not created underachievers probably have a coddled self entitled little brat lurking around and disturbing ppl on airplanes!

It actually kind of infuriate me when people especially women act like that is their only calling in life. I think if our society did a better job in not glamorizing motherhood and painted a more realistic picture of what it truly take to rear a child then we would have fewer unwanted children, less teen pregnancy and a better crop of kids. I think there are some ppl who do a good job in parenting but I know more that THINK they are doing a smashing job than what is actual, and they come in an array of educational and socioeconomic levels.

I personally tip my hat to those who adopt or those who are fortunate enough to have step kids that are not rejects and can develop good relationships and be a role model, which says a lot more in my book regarding unselfish love. It is easy to love and care for a mini replica of oneself but when you can unselfishly love and guide another who you did not give birth to, that takes character IMO. I personally do not have a close relationship with my SO’s kids and I see a lot of deficient parenting...frankly it makes me chuckle because I could do a much better job, however being a mother isn't a job I ever wanted and frankly feel the payoff is waaaaay over rated.

Enjoy life and who you are and then you will never need to live through another. Remember all the beauty and benefits to not having kids: freedom, less worry, not obligated , can watch what you want on TV without monitoring, the financial freedom, traveling, taking a nap in the middle of the day on a Saturday, cooking and eating what you want, when you want, having an adult lifestyle and conversations and developing great relationships with others. The list is longer but you get the point!! Relish in your freedom and it isn’t selfish.

Whateva

Oh my gosh! This post really spoke to me! I know exactly how you feel! If I could hug you I would! 

My husband is 7 years older than me and had a vasectomy so there is no way. Plus, with how difficult the skids are there is NO WAY I can, in good conscious, bring a baby into this! It has been hard to accept for me and I have good and bad days with it. Especially when my skids treat me like I don't even exist. I tried to be the mom- to be better than her. And in the end it doesn't matter WHAT I do. I am not nor ever will be. I have had such pain in my heart over the giving of love when it suits them....then the taking it back whenever they feel like it. But I am supposed to love them always. Such crap! 

I'm so sorry honey <3 We are here for you!