it is sad....
Forums:
i think that after tall the bitching, all the horrible stories, all the bad behaveior, all the disrespect, all the efforts. the conclusion is a sad one: we cant have the family life we want. period. the realization that our family cannot be what we wanted it to be gives us pain, resentment and overall pain. i think that most of us stepmoms really wanted at one point or another to act or be like real moms to our stepchildren. we cant, the more we try, the more we get frustrated. the more we try, the further we get i nto depression. the only way is yo snap out, to take distance and to disengage and that is sad....
I agree, it is sad. It's a
I agree, it is sad. It's a reality though, and for our own sense of self we have to take that route. It is still possible for 'family' stuff to happen even in the midst of disengagement though, day trips and family meals are still 'family' events and create good memories for the SKids to look back on when they reach the age of introspection...which varies from kid to kid. When they do some introspection they realize a lot of stuff, SD came and told me she understands why I did the things I did 'back then' and she made apologies and amends, truly a defining moment!
It made it all worthwile!!
This is where I am at
This is where I am at finally. Years of trying and kinda being forced into too much parenting by BM that is not in the picture and DH that was working too much and didn't want to deal with SD. SD13 resents me if I enforce rules and pay attention to what she is doing, and she resents me if I disengage. We survived Thansgiving break because I stayed gone from my home (yes, my home that they moved into...) After some major lies and drama this year I don't think I have it in me to try anymore. I have become antisocial with family because I worry about their expectations for me to forgive and bond with her. I don't want to anymore. Period. How am I am DH supposed to take 2 little bio kids on vacations when I am MISERABLE being in the same room with SD13? I don't want everyone judging me if we don't take SD and I don't want her dad "feeling like his family isn't complete" so I guess we won't go anywhere. This sucks.
it IS sad. our SO's had it
it IS sad. our SO's had it though, until shit got wrecked for them, but we all started off with fucked up situations and either thought things would get better in time, or we were MISLED that things would get better in time.
we are living lives that should only exsist in lifetime movies, so we can sit back and say "thank god i am not in that situation". but we all ARE the lifetime movies.
all i ever wanted was a relationship with BF and hope it could flourish into more. i knew he had a child, who may or may not be dysfunctional due to her past, but i NEVER thought i would end up like this.
the sad reality is that we will NEVER have the lives we want due to skids, bm's and hell even some biodads! we will forever be the looked at by the skids as 'evil'.
WE are evil? are any of us on here trying to run the skids out of daddys life? have any of us blackened the skids eyes cause they couldnt have a friend sleep over? have any of us stolen or destroyed skids things? i know i havent.
have any of us made the skids feel unwelcome at home? have any of us made it a great showing of who came first? have any of us pruposly used slander of their skids?
disney had it wrong....skids are evil.....not stepmoms
I asked a divorced male
I asked a divorced male friend the other day if it's possible to find a great SO with a kid that didn't make you want to shoot yourself in the face; he told me that if that ever happened the universe would collapse into itself, it's simply too much to expect.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, better pack a lunch!
im trying to do some family
im trying to do some family stuff but the reality is that i do it halfheartly. i would rather NOT spend time with SD. lately..with couples teraphy and lots of hard times under our belt, my hubby and I decided to work this thing to death...to work it, look it in the eye, be together thru it all and hopefully stay together to tell the story many years from now.
it is very rought, and hard to admit but i want to spend time with my hubby, enjoy life and not have to deal with SD at all, period. im not ready to do family stuff after disengaging. im a bit of a black or white kind of person and it is very challenging for me to give love, open my arms and play board games and at the same time stay away from educating ,ordering around, setting limits ,giving opinions and overall act like a mom...so, i completely disengaged...like a lot. im literally not talking to SD unless we are at dinner and we both forced ourselves to smile and comment on stuff during the meal. for the rest of the time, we completely ignore eachother...if you ask me...this is better than the tension and the fights and the shouting and the door slamming, right? it is definetely better than having to do everything for her and get nothing but disrespect back. it is better than breaking my back to help her and having hubby looking the other way. but still hurts.....that hte family is not ..A family, is really a marriage trying to survive SD's issues.
This is exactly where I am
This is exactly where I am at, too, Dahlia. I may have said 10 words while she was around this week. We are in tons of family counseling and I am so tired of the counselor having expectations of me. I don't deserve any of this BS and I want nothing to do with SD. If SDs wellness depends on my acceptance then she is fuc*ed because I will never tolerate or want a relationship with someone who behaves like she does. I am thinking maybe I should even have a talk with the counselor to let her know that there will be no bonding, etc so now what? Do I really need to go to the counseling? I think SD and Dh need to work through their stuff and let me mother my own kids and try to be happy. I am dreading the holidays. Way too much time in the van, at the table, etc with her. UGHHGHGHGHHGH!
I feel exactly the same way.
I feel exactly the same way. My kids are grown all in college and so is SD. But SD is constantly home and asking me and her dad for attention (she's 22). She wants us to watch movies with her. I have to sneak out of the house to take the dogs for a walk or go for a bike ride. She invites herself out for lunch with my daughter and her husband. She keeps whining that we don't take family vacations but who can stand it when she follows you around and is sure that before she buys anything you're there to put it on your credit card. I would love to go on a vacation with my kids but I can't because I couldn't stand to go anywhere with SD. My kids all work, and wouldn't dream of having me pay for everything they do. SD has to eat every 2 hours and whines when she gets hungry and he dad rushes to stop and feed her. She's like living with a 6 year old, the baby talk and everything. Except for the mean, underhanded comments she makes. I too disengage. It just makes me so mad that I am forced into my bedroom for a whole night because she's bored and won't go home to her apartment. I hope I can do this.
i see that there are many of
i see that there are many of us in the same situation. we already disengaged so we are not acting ..or trying to act as mothers for this children (usually SD's in the teen years). we stopped the taking care of them, educating them and disciplining them. our SO are taking over some of those tasks ..hopefully. and then what?? ???
is kind of like the first time that we really shown our family how we can really follow thru with what we say, after all the ignored screams for help "im done with this", and the "enough of taking care of this girl by myself", or the " you need to be here with your daughter more", or the " i think she is really asking for your attention, not mine"....it all sounds familiar , right?. well after ALL that and the ultimatums of "this needs to change or I walk", or the " im exhausted, feel frustrated and unappreciated", the “I cant stand this disrespect” …. after all that...you disengaged. Great ...you now feel lighter, more true to your real feeling for the girl in question. your hubby has to pick up the pieces, he is not too happy but he does an ok job ,the SD is looking like "fuck, she really did it" and there you are wondering how your family will go on like this. in my case, when I disengaged , i really disengaged and since I was such a control freak and in charge of everything is very clear when i don’t do it. now, that i have disengaged and im not mothering this child i realize that i want nothing to do with her, period...this thing that we hear about "go do your nails together" or "be friends" is simply not possible for me. It is -in my opinion- a bit schizophrenic to be the mother of a child (my biosons 8 and 10) and the "friend" of this other child (my SD13) in the same house, it gets weird...the theory of disengaging while maintaining a friendly loving relationship does not work very well in practice. once i took the distance, there is no way in hell im reaching out to her. there is only so much my heart can take…there is too much negativity and bad stuff once you get closer. Any advice on what to do with my own feelings? any success stories to share? How do you live I nthe same house with a teen that you don’t trust, or even like for years?
For now im spending lots of time by myself, my dogs are walking a lot these days and my biokids are getting more of my attention since im not spending my days trying to make SD better. My SO is great and working hard..we ll see. Wish me luck