I get where you're coming from. It feels like he's bringing way more baggage than you are. Like your life folds up nicely in a carry on and here he is with two U-Hauls full.
I didn't like the constant reminder that my ex had a family first with another woman. I should have run like the wind but was too stupid to do so. If your gut is giving you a nudge, please listen to it. It's not wrong or selfish to prefer a man that doesn't have a kids. If it bugs you enough that you're thinking about leaving, then maybe you should.

You just have to remember, everyone has a past. (this is what I keep telling myself)

Hi InTurmoil,

Heavenlike is right. They can become your babies any day. How old are the kids? How stable is the ex? How much does he miss his children?
What are the kids like?

Your concerns are justified for sure. You need complete information (see above) to make those decisions.

X Starfish

There is an evolutionary explanation for what you're feeling, and we can observe this in the animal kingdom, in some cases to the extreme where the current offspring will be killed off in order to make way for the creation of a new family unit! Now that's REALLY dealing with their existence! :O

Not suggesting you should do that, but we humans have many evolutionary "hangovers" from times when putting all our resources into propagating our DNA was the endgame. Deep down, you are perhaps anticipating some of the resources that would have been put into YOUR family being put into his existing family. Perfectly natural.

Now, some people might think "but I treat my steps like my own". Well OK but that's because in some people the "resource management" process has adapted to wholly different circumstances. It makes a huge difference if you have lived with and watched the steps grow and built a strong relationship with them, for example.

But if your partner's children are rarely about, then of course you will be reluctant to sacrifice the energy and resources that would be put into creating and protecting the interests of your own family, the propagation of your own DNA.

But of course, we don't rationalise it like this.

Just know that it is natural and you are not weird for feeling like this. Maybe you can eventually laugh at it if you can see it for what it is. What would be strange is if he didn't love the children you gave him as much as any other child of his.

I was without children when I married my DW and got two SD's in the deal, had I known how difficult it would be I probably would have run away, but had I known how difficult life would be in general, let's say Mom and I would have been a lot closer.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you.

I'm a childless stepmom and I feel exactly as you describe 6 years into marriage (together for 10 years). And I actually really love and even like my stepkids...it's part of what makes me feel so awful about resenting their existence. I still hate the fact that they exist, even while liking them. If they were just people not connected to my DH, I would like them because they're pretty great. I am objective enough to acknowledge that. When they get hurt or need something...I do jump into "mothering" mode despite the fact that I don't feel like their mom. I go places and do things with them, and I'm kind to them. So I'm not a monster...but sometimes I feel like one.

I do think financial resentment comes into it...and basic inequity. In a marriage, I believe it's important to be equal partners. Being childless while your partner has kids is a very primal and fundamental inequity that doesn't feel natural or right. I am giving him something he can never reciprocate (care, love, time, finances, and other resources for kids who aren't mine) and he has a ready-made family unit that I'm not really a part of at the end of the day. It shouldn't, but at times this fact seems to give his needs and desires more weight than mine (we have to go on holiday here "for the kids" or we have to do XYZ "because of the kids" etc.)

The worst part about this is...these two basic sources of resentment are at odds with each other. I can be a proactive participant in my household...cooking, making schedules and calendars, being involved. This makes me feel like a part of "the family" but it also makes my resentment build when I have things that I want to be doing or money that I want to spend on something that ends up going to the skids. On the other hand, when I disengage and don't get involved, the financial and...spent life...resentment goes away, but I feel like more of an outsider in my own home.

Anyway you slice it, I think childless stepmoms have it the worst. Of course, my skids are older now and aren't like the monster adult skids I've read about on here, so I am hoping for some balance now as they launch.

My honest advice for you. If you are already having these feelings, I would recommend that you run the other direction. I went into my marriage with rose-colored glasses on, deeply in love, got along great with the skids and the BM, thought it would all be a breeze...and was genuinely caught of guard by my negative feelings. If I had it to do over, I probably wouldn't. It took me several years to sort out where these feelings were coming from...and also to realize that they were actually fair, rational feelings...not the petty anger and jealousy of a horrible, sadistic madwoman

Never ignore that voice speaking to you from the inside...pay attention to it. Slow down. Think about what you are saying...Listen to yourself. then, your answer will appear. Peace.

Who says you will come 3rd? I am always first in my marriage with DH. He made it very clear from the beginning. He and I are first. Not the kids. Us.

How does your fiance see your future? Have you even discussed this with him? Is he aware of how you feel? Now he may be a card carrying Disney Dad who farts glitter. Or he may be a man who deals with his kids in an appropriate manner that has minimal impact on your life together.

As for the pre-existing family ... honey, they are not a 'family'. He is a father of 2 sons.

That said, love is blind alright. Blind as a bat. Not even night vision goggles can improve it. We want OUR happy ever after and the least biological traces left in our wake the better off we are. Now I know my husband and his buddy 'put it about' in their younger days. And it would not surprise me if some person appeared on our doorstep yelling 'Daddy"! Well not really because they would be in their 30s by now which would look a little odd. Any man (or woman) can have a past. Sometimes that is nothing more than an overdue library book or it can run to kids and/or jail time. It matters how he treats you, if you have the same beliefs and ideals on child raising. How he sees you mixing in with his sons.

Frankly if you are having these thoughts now without discussing it with him you are doing both of you a disservice. Ask him about the 'what-ifs'. What if BM dies. What if OSS wants to move in with you two. Does he want more children? When? IS he going to continue to spend every weekend in BM-ville even when you are married? Who is paying for the kids to go to college? Their first cars? All these talks should happen now and not after the I-dos.

Talk to him. Get things out in the open. How would you feel if he up and left you for some reason you didn't even know troubled him? How is that fair? You need to know one way or another. And stick to boring crap like kids doing chores when visiting etc. And just tell him you cannot love them like your own because they aren't. Make that VERY clear. There is a lot of room between Love and Hate.

And if things are not the way you can both agree ... then return the ring and move on. That is the honourable thing to do.

So, I'm about 2 and a half years into my marriage and have been with DH for 5.5 years. He gain custody of his son right about the time we started dating and SS was 7. I still feel this way. There are times when SS and I have good interactions and he seems to like me and my heart does swell when that happens but mostly I feel like I don't know the first thing about what I'm doing. DH was blind to many of the issues early on but after we had many discussions about how I felt he finally got the picture. It took him longer than I would have liked but part of that is bc I didn't have honest discussions with him until I was ready to explode and in constant tears. I have made the comment many times that I wish SS were mine and that the step part weren't a part of our world but the simple truth is I fell head over heals for a guy with kids. I think you really need to have a serious conversation in a calm and matter of fact way that leaves room for discussion and isn't simply you telling your fiancé how things need to be. Figure out what you are willing to do and not willing to do for those kids and make sure he knows and actually understands what those limits are. I have had to remind DH about my limits on more than one occasion bc he seems to think it's easy for us to be one big happy family when the simple truth is we are not. Talking does help prepare but it doesn't eliminate the issues. Even if you two develop a solid plan for how your life will be together you should be prepared for these feelings to stick around. I don't think it is a matter of whether you are cut out to be a stepparent so much as if you are willing to put yourself through it.

If you are going to have this perspective then you either have to stop it or leave. It is not fair to him, his kids, or yourself to continue under your current mindset.

IMHO of course.

There are plenty of other men out there without children. And there are plenty of people who don't mind and even WANT to marry somebody with kids ( especially if they don't have kids of their own and want an instant family).
I think it is vital that you realized how you really feel before its too late. Don't marry. I wish I didn't. I had a kid of my own whom I adore and really didn't want anybody else's but I thought I could handle it. I couldn't and now I am looking at divorce. My decision has ruined some very good years of my life that I will never get back.
Step parenting is not for the faint of heart and unless they die, skids will never go away. As long as you are breathing you will have to potentially deal with them.
Personally I would never recommend to ANYBODY that they be a step parent. It is a sucky and thankless job.

For god sake don't be getting married, you will make matters worse, keep your life simple! for your sanities sake. The greatest wealth is a contented mind.

I'm in a similar situation apart from I'm Male (child free) and my girlfriend has a 23 year old son, I have point blank refused to move in with her, let alone marriage. Consequently we both live in our own houses, not ideal no but then again I'm not that one bringing problems to the party.

BTW the feelings you are having, I have been through all them emotions and feelings myself, you come out of the other end and realise you can't make good of it, please don't come out the other end of this realisation married.

Being with someone who already has kids can be difficult, but how difficult really depends on a lot of factors. A lot of people who post on here telling you to run screaming have run into a slew of issues often beyond their control that have turned their own marriages into a living hell. It certainly seems like that happens a lot, but it doesn't happen all the time. The dynamics of the situation with his kids and his ex wife are a pretty good predictor of how much trouble you are likely to run into. There are things you cannot control that can impact your relationship, like what BM will do. Now assume that BM encourages your relationship with the children, assume that BM knows how to be a good mother and the kids are being brought up properly and are raised by their parents to respect you. You also have limited control over what your boyfriend will do. Assume that he knows how to be a parent and doesn't expect you to be a mother to his kids and knows how to keep them inline, assume that he supports you 100% and puts the relationship with you before his children. (Any deviation from the above has the potential to put significant stress on you and you may want to consider bailing or proceed understanding the risks and pitfalls.)
Assuming all these things are okay, then your only real issues may be your own feelings about being an outsider, or not being their mother, or an worrying that your own kids may not be as important to your boyfriend as they are to you. In other words, a laundry list of insecurities, rational or not.
Now first off, its extremely rare to hear someone say that child number one is more important in their heart than child number two. I've heard people with 7 children swear they love them all equally. Unless your boyfriend thinks its still the middle ages, birth order shouldn't matter. Your husband will not love your child less because he already has one or two. Considering he does not live with his other children, he may love your children just a little bit more than the preexisting ones because he actually gets to raise them and be a family with them. He may never admit to this, but his "real family" (you and your shared children) is probably going to be just a little bit more important than the kids from his "practice marriage" he didn't get to have much of a hand in raising because he's no longer with their mother. Of course this is going to depend on the guy, if he worships the ground his kids walk on, it may not pan out this way, but if he's mostly rational and his stance is to put the relationship first, its likely.
Because his first relationship left him with baggage-- err I mean children, and didn't work out, these men also tend to fight a little bit harder to make the second relationship work. They are less likely to cut their losses and walk away, since they've already done that and didn't like where it got them. A lot of second wives or second mothers of their children probably get treated a lot better than the first one did, as he is more afraid of losing them. People do learn from their mistakes, and he has clearly already made some big ones in the past which may spare you what he did wrong the first time.
The statistics on successes and failures of marriages tell an interesting story. I don't remember the exact percentages, but they were something like this- lets say first marriages result in divorce 35% of the time overall. Second marriages with prior children result in divorce 80% of the time, but ONLY IF the divorce occurs within the first 5 years. If the marriage lasts more than 5 years, these second marriages with other children now only result in divorce 15% of the time, or at a much lower rate than all other types of marriages combined. When the marriage ends in the first five years, the cause (roughly 45% of the time) probably lies in one of the assumptions I made earlier about what your boyfriend and the BM may do, because their mistakes with the children can and will destroy your relationship. If these factors do not apply, you are left with a partner who already messed up his first relationship and come hell or high water he will not lose you too. In the long run, you may end up being more appreciated as a wife and partner than you would have been if he didn't already have children. Not really a bad thing.
A lot of it is going to depend on the situation, you need to be able to judge what your future is going to look like. Obviously its only going to be your best guess, but take off your rose colored glasses and ask yourself the questions people have posted on your thread, and if the dynamic between him and his ex wife or either one of them and their children is toxic, you need to understand it will almost certainly cause you major problems in the future and figure out whether or not youre willing to deal with the consequences. If the dynamics seem healthy, the one recommendation I would make is figuring your feelings out before you run to the alter. You're gonna have to do some self exploration here and come to terms with your own insecurities prior to moving forward. Your feelings are normal. Some of them are rational. Some of them are probably not. Work through what you can, assume the rest is here to stay and make your decision based on that. The existence of those children might be a good thing in the long run. Or your worst nightmare. But figure it out now.