BM passed away
She passed away last night. She battled almost three years with cancer. It is really sad. I cannot even begin to imagine how my SS must be feeling. My own parents are still alive. My SIL and BIL are helping with the funeral arrangements. It is this friday. BM's family will be coming out of state for the funeral. BM"s poor father. He was in an assisted living facility. It must be very hard on him.
They are talking about how BM's house had two mortgages on it to pay her medical bills and the bank might take BM's life insurance money, which is only around 50k. Can they do that? BM decided not to give SS the house or he would be stuck with the bills. And SS only works part-time, he cannot afford any of this. It is still a month before my SS goes to college. He is staying at my BIL's house. It kills my husband that he cannot be there for his son. That my SS rather stay with my BIL than with his dad. My husband wrote him a long letter saying he was sorry about BM and gave it to my SIL to give my SS. We have not heard from him. We have no idea howw he is holding up. Do we go to the funeral? I do not even know what to do. 
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Yes, collection people will
Yes, collection people will lie to you. when my husband died I had to do a lot of research online to figure out what was a real debt and what wasn't. get yourself informed for yours and SS's sake.
Don't let him volunteer information either about what he gets or what was left to him.
I'm very sorry he is going through this.
If it were me and I was in
If it were me and I was in the situation that you guys are in with all of the recent ill feelings, etc. I would not go to the funeral. BUT, I would send a nice arrangement to the funeral home with a card. Hopefully when the dust settles from graduation, this, and the start of college, your SS will come around. I know it's hard, but SS is an adult now, resuming a relationship with his father will only happen when he feels ready. I think that he will eventually come around, but it has to be in his own time.
Prayers to you
Your SS needs his space. He
Your SS needs his space. He is carrying a lot of anger toward his dad that he hasn't been given the space or time to heal from.
He needs to mourn the loss of his mother & you & your DH showing up at the funeral is only going to smother him more, creating more anger. He will have family there to comfort him & lean on for the support he needs.
Your DH got a letter to him, & he hasn't responded. He hasn't returned phone calls. He isn't at a point where he is ready to do so. He isn't at a point where he is ready to communicate with you guys again yet.
Your husband's persistence borders on harrassment, & if he doesn't stop now, his son is going to end up harboring so much anger & bitterness, it will destroy ANY chance for a relationship between them in the future.
STOP.PUSHING. GIVE.HIM.SPACE. LEAVE.HIM.ALONE.
My husband has been leaving
My husband has been leaving his son alone for a while. But when we heard about BM being sick, my husband made two calls and left messages and that was it. After BM dies, we figured a heartfelt letter is the least he can do. And that is all my husband has tried in contacting his son for now. For the funeral, my biggest fear is that if we don't go, my SS will hold it against. I feel like its damned if we do, damned if we don't. And I relayed the info about the collection agency stuff to my BIL, who is helping my SS. Thanks for that information.
Maybe BIL could talk to SS &
Maybe BIL could talk to SS & find out whether or not he wants you guys at the funeral. That way, there is no pressing from your DH & SS will be the one to make the choice.
I am very sorry for your SS
I am very sorry for your SS Maria. He must be overwhelmed with everything. Make sure you ask him if he wants you at the funeral. Son't make assumptions or you'll have another situation like the graduation. Make sure you know what his intentions are. Poor thing, losing a mother so early.
Like you guys suggested, we
Like you guys suggested, we asked my BIL to ask my SS if he wants us there. We are expecting a response tonight. I have no need for cosure. I a m sure my husband does. I mean, he loved her at one time, as much as I try not to think about it. But I think my husband is just scared of upsetting his son more. I told my own son about what happened and he teared up because he felt sad for his step-brother. SS does not get the house at all or he will sink in debt. The insurance money is 50 thousand. But SS needs to use that money to pay for his grandfather's (BM's father) assisted living center costs. And like Finey said, I am not sure how much taxes will affect that. Its a sad situation. My husband says he will help with the funeral costs if SS needs it. I agreed with my husband about this. The last thing he needs to worry about is money.
His grandfather is very old
His grandfather is very old (85 i think) and cannot afford the place. He has medical issues that need constant attention. My BIL told me SS wantes to make sure his grandfather stays in the center he is in now. We were proud when we heard about it. But if he does not pay, the poor man will have to suffer.