Lessons for others to learn
I have been MIA from this site for a while now. I can't recognize anyone here anymore. I just wanted to give out a few lessons we learned the hard way. And hopefully, it'll help someone else out there.
1) If you are going to go to war with your ex, only the kid gets hurt. DH got into a legal fight with BM and all we got out of it was SS not telling what happened with his life anymore. Because of this, DH lost the relationship with his son.
2) Never jump to conclusions. Always call up and clarify. Not everything is an insult. It could just be a mistake or misunderstanding. DH thought that I was invited to the graduation, so he didn't go either. Turned out I was invited after all. Now DH has missed an important day of SS's life. MOre significantly. it started the sh**storm that made SS write-off his father.
3) Keep your kids on your health insurance as long as you can. Feeling butt-hurt after being rejected by SS too many times, DH removed SS from his health plan. SS was sending cheques to pay for his share, although he refused to talk to anyone of us. DH told him to get his own insurance. A month ago, the brakes failed in SS's POS car. The car he bought because he refused to get any money from us. Turns out SS was not able to afford health insurance on his own. So the car insurance took care of the collision damage. But SS had over 12,000 in hospital bills from all his injuries. DH decided to take on the bill. It was his fault for the whole thing anyway. Of course I am pissed. But what can we do now after all the shit happened.
So grown-ass men need to start using their brain more. We do not know how SS is. My BIL won't tell us anymore. DH is public enemy number one at his family now. But he deserves it. He acted like a sh**head. Hope this prevents a similar thing from happening to someone else.
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Comments
I want to agree with you all.
I want to agree with you all. Unfortunately, I think this falls on DH (as much as I hate to admit it). Under DH's plan, SS pays a lot less. SS was giving us the money for his share every month without fail. He was not taking anything else from us.
DH was a dumbass and removed him from the plan. He never even told me. I would have stopped him if I knew. Insurance is crazy expensive and SS is barely making money right now.
As for the car, I don't know what to say. He needed a car to commute to school. Without it, he could not have afforded to go to college. That was a big issue. In the end, he refused to take it. He got a dying car, which was all he could afford. My BIL was fixing it up. SS thought he could save money by having my BIL fix the issues and do maintenance.
DH is taking on the bill. SS is struggling enough. Last we heard, he was back to the food banks. It is shameful, having your son go to a food bank. Especially when they have tough practises. Luckily SS will be able to play again. His scholarship depends on it. He has even been going to summer school to graduate faster. DH is very proud of him but is so sad that he lost the relationship.
I thinly the real point is
I thinly the real point is that no matter what the outcome there are always consequences to bare. And they should be weighed out.
My DH knew that by not helping with extras he would appear to be a deadbeat dad. He stuck to his principles - the time to discuss a cost is NOT after it was incurred but before.
I just think the op is saying keep your eyes open and weigh it all out.
I don't see how one party can
I don't see how one party can ruin any relationship, to me both father and son are at fault.
I don't agree that DH is entirely to blame, and gets crucified here. Ss made his choices and must bear the responsibility of them imo.
I hope it gets better.
The only thing that falls on
The only thing that falls on DH here is the fact that he actually TOOK the money from his son and didn't have him on insurance. Yes, he was VERY wrong for that. Even if the kid sent the checks, he could have sent them back or sent a letter back and not cashed them. Your DH taught his kid that it was ok to be sneaky...not good.
Honestly, I have defended DH
Honestly, I have defended DH as much as I could. But this one I blame no one but DH. I know everyone was blaming DH for everything when he didn't deserve it. But how one earth did he think SS could afford insurance when SS is taking a more than full-course load, working part-time, and has gruelling practise sessions for his sport.
I may not be happy with SS, but he has been working his ass off to keep his scholarship and support himself. I was not doing nearly as much when I was in college. I still fault both DH and SS for many things but this time I feel it's all on DH. He didn't even wait for SS to get a new policy before removing him from our family policy. Having SS on our policy wasn't costing us extra. And SS was paying his share anyway.
I am just disappointed in DH. And if he wants to eat the 12K bill to make his dumbass self feel better, so be it. But it makes me very upset that this will be affecting our family finances.
And the bank and the insurance company did some dirty work and basically ripped SS of his insurance. They are such assholes. And SS can't afford to fight it. He only got a few thousand and that went to the funeral. Luckily, some family members helped out with BM's father's expenses.
I too think the skid is
I too think the skid is responsible. I dont think your dh should pay the bill. Even if it were 100% your dh's fault about the graduation-it seems to me that he has truly tried to make up for it. Your skid has cut you all out of his life. That was his choice. Now he has to deal with it. That means that yes, he has to support himself. If that's incovenient or hard on him, too bad, it's what he wanted.
It might be different here-if your skid came to your dh and asked him to pay the bill, told him he was sorry for refusing his help before, he has forgiven him for the graduation thing, and let's make a fresh start. I could see your dh helping with this bill then in a good faith effor to help support a kid he would have likely been helping if things hadnt gone south. But if the skid still isnt interested in a relationship, your dh paying the bill isnt going to change a thing.