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FSD is sexually active...need advice on how to handle with BM

Milomom's picture

Seems like FSD16.5 is literally turning into her mother (BM) right before my eyes. It's like a vicious cycle - it will keep repeating itself if no one stops it. BM is an attention-seeking, uneducated, leeching, narcissistic, dependent lives-off-CS woman - basically sleeps with everything and anything (she has NO standards), etc... As FSD gets older, I see her becoming JUST.LIKE.BM. I'm worried about FSD and would like to do something to stop this madness before it gets worse.

So unfortunately, I've just found out from a reliable source that FSD16.5 is, in fact, sexually active. I knew this day would come. Fact: BM was sexually active at a young age (probably wasn't reigned-in by her parents, either) and got pregnant at 16 and gave birth at 17 (not my FDH's child, it was from another "baby daddy"). I always prayed that my FDH's good influence as a good father figure in FSD's life would help change her course that she is destined for due to BM. BM actually ENCOURAGES FSD to dress slutty, cleavage-showing clothes, dyes her hair multiple colors constantly, encourages FSD to wear dark, slutty makeup (and lots of it). BM has allowed this for years now. BM has also allowed FSD to be online surfing the web since she was about 11 years old - Facebook, MySpace, etc... you name it, she's on it. BM herself is addicted to role-playing on the internet, using various dating websites, having 8-10 different screennames, frequenting role-playing websites, vampires, etc... She's really a pathetic woman.

Example of how BM is: When FSD was about 14 years old, I found out that she was secretly dating a 18-19 year old guy. Also found out that BM not only KNEW about this and allowed this, but encouraged this - AND encouraged FSD to keep it a secret from my FDH. BM told her "If your Dad finds out that I'm letting him pick you up in his car & hang out with him, he'll take you & your brother away from me."

I am sick of BM and all of her disgusting ways - she is absolutely NO GOOD MOTHER FIGURE for FSD16.5. I am now afraid that teen pregnancy is not just a possibility, but it is an inevitability.

To make matters worse, I don't think BM has taken FSD to an OB/GYN to get checked or to have her put on birth control either. I can easily check my suspicions with our health insurance company - it has a log of each & every time FSD has been to the dr (of course, FDH agreed to keep fskids on HIS health insurance and BM has NO financial responsibility for THAT either, but that's another blog). I know that taking a daughter to the "woman doctor (OB/GYN) is generally supposed to be a MOM thing, but she hasn't taken her - and I doubt that FDH will want to take her for that reason, also. BM would blow up at him/us if he took FSD to the OB/GYN.

I keep wondering if it's time for me to step in here before FSD gets pregnant. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS TO BE CONTROLLING OR TO BE A BITCH TO BM!! Trust me, I WISH I didn't have to worry about this crap. I'm thinking about having a talk with FDH about this and seeing if I can encourage him to talk to BM about taking FSD to the OB/GYN to have her put on birth control. God, this goes against all of my beliefs and how I would raise my OWN daughter. But since BM will be the furthest person on the planet to teach her daughter ABSTINENCE, I think that FSD should at least be protected if she's going to be having sex. The OTHER problem I worry about: FSD contracting a fatal disease (HIV/AIDS) as the result of her promiscuous ways (JUST.LIKE.HER.MOTHER, the promiscuity anyway).

So I need some advice ASAP from all of you on here - whether you're a BM or a SM or both...How would YOU handle this???

Comments

jojo68's picture

You should tell BM what you know...that is the right thing to do..then you have done your part.

Milomom's picture

Oh, jojo....that would go over like a lead balloon, telling BM what I know.

Instead of knowing that I'm coming to her with GOOD intentions (to help FSD), she'd either:

1. DENY the facts, ask me WHO told me and accuse me of "spreading rumors" about FSD; OR
2. Smugly tell me that FSD's sexual activity is none of my business, ask me WHO told me, OR
3. Smile and say she knows already, ask me WHO told me...or
4. All of the above

Do you see the common denominator in those options??? BM's PRIMARY concern would be finding out WHO my source of information is (which, btw, is a very reliable source - someone that is same age as FSD16.5 and that FSD is friends with), so that she could IMMEDIATELY stop FSD from being friends with this person (she would see her as the "rat") and continue on keeping secrets like this from FDH & I. Also, she would totally DENY to FDH that her precious perfect princess daughter would EVER be having sex. She would make FDH feel guilty for not believing her (FSD) and not taking HER version of things.

BM is MOTY (in HER mind) - she is ALL about appearances. She is ALL about control and making people THINK she has everything under control.

JustAnotherSM's picture

Perhaps you could find some pamphlets from a local planned parenthood and leave them lying around during your FSD's visitation to peak her interest? This is something that she could then do on her own without parental help.

I went to a planned parenthood and got on birth control when I was 15. I had a friend take me and neither of my (divorced) parents ever knew. Since I didn't have a job, they did not require payment but did ask for donations. They also gave out free condoms. That was about 20 years ago so not sure how it works today.

I would focus on educating FSD and helping her to make good decisions. But I would stop short of taking her to the doctor myself.

Jsmom's picture

Not my kid, not my problem. Let DH handle it. Tell him and let it be his mess. You stay out of it, or you will somehow be blamed. Also, we have very similar BM's and she encouraged SD dating at 13 and told her to lie to DH. Now we have no contact with her and as far as I am concerned she will never come in my house again.

Good luck.

Milomom's picture

Yes, Jsmom - I totally agree with you. "Not my kid, not my problem" has been my mantra for quite some time now, as I have been disengaged for just over 1 year now. I have been living that rule for EVERYTHING skid related ever since - from failing grades in school to not doing any chores around the house to help.

HOWEVER...with that said. This is a VERY difficult part of disengaging, and that's why I wrote this post - because the REALITY of this issue is that it's a VERY SERIOUS matter that could have HUGE DIRECT CONSEQUENCES on my life. Whether she gets pregnant with no education & no job to support herself - or even worse, she contracts a fatal disease.

By the way, we share 50/50 custody of FSD16.5 & FSS13.5 with BM and the fskids live with us 3-4 days/week every week all year long - just for some background. So unfortunately, there is no way to enforce a rule that she will never come in the house again (unless, of course, my FDH kicks her out for a criminal offense or something).

I have ALWAYS let FDH handle EVERYTHING and had him handle his OWN messes when it comes to BM & fskids.

I don't give a CRAP about being blamed for something at this point - I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but I absolutely, categorically REFUSE to be having a teenage unwed princess get pregnant and be raising her baby in my home. I will NOT be raising my FSD's babies!! What kind of white-trash is THAT??? Babies having babies...GRRR!!!

I need to find a way to do everything I can so that FSD does NOT end up coming home pregnant. It's bad enough she still doesn't have her Learner's Permit to get her license NOR does she have a JOB yet!! She's also practically failing her way through high school and is SUPPOSED to be graduating next year (fingers crossed at that one). If she's not ADULT enough to be able to handle ADULT responsibilities (i.e. doing well in school, getting a job, etc...), then she's certainly not ADULT enough to be having SEX and having an OOPS baby! I call bullshyte on that one.

So I posted this to find out, especially from those women here who are BM's also (as well as SM's), how to address this issue and how to find a solution to what could be a CATASTROPHIC event that will not only effect FSD's life, but MINE also!!

Parents need to learn how to PARENT their kids...and fast!!

youngmama1b1g's picture

I would def bring up to your future H if SD has been to a GYN. If he's unsure, you can ask her. It doesnt have to be because shes sexually active, but just because shes 16. It's good for every girl of that age to start seeing a GYN as theres reproductive organs have been matured for awhile anyways! At least from there, you can approach safe sex habits or leave it to the GYN to do.
Planed parenthood is another alternative. They require different things by state, but its a great thing to leave a pamphlet out about or even approach her directly and take her there for the GYN appt. They typically accept most insurances and for those visits where she doesnt want the insurance to be billed, the SD can choose not to (considering shes worried about dad finding out).
Good luck.

anyha's picture

Yes, not your kid or problem. BUT, the pamphlets is a good idea. she might be active, and there might be nothing you can do about it, especially if her mom is encouraging it. But maybe she will at least be more careful.

Planned parenthood still works the same way, i have some friends who don't make much so they still go there for birth control and so forth.

Definately let FDH deal with it, maybe he can have one of those awkward birds/bees talks or suggest her going to a GYN. Without bringing up that he knews anything about what she might be up to. Her age is enough to merit that kind of talk. Maybe he will even bring it up to BM instead of you having to do it.

You have no authority, so you shouldn't have to be the one to fix anything either. It's BM and FDH job.

Milomom's picture

Thank you to everyone for all of your replies/advice. I really appreciate it.

I really wish I could get some more responses from the people on here that are both SM's AND BM's. I'm trying to figure out a way to approach this without it looking like I'm "overstepping" or being "judgmental" or being a bitch, etc... I don't care what BM thinks about me, I'm just trying to make this as productive as possible. If BM is put on the defensive right away with this topic (she is soooo paranoid and such a control freak about "HER children" it is SICK, SICK, SICK), she will NEVER be receptive to my suggestions/help.

FDH is Captain Ostrich and I think he'll just "hope" nothing goes wrong with FSD16.5. Doesn't help at ALL.

For now, I am "laying low" and really putting serious thought into how to approach this dilemma. This really sucks.