To make a long story short SD17 goes off the deep end as all teenagers do. Hormones galloping, hanging out with the wrong crowd @ school, smoking, shoplifting, sneaking out w/ boys.

Dad doesn't know how to handle this behavior! He asks me what he should do. I suggest "tough love" but he declines and "gives her space" stating these were isolated incidents; he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. Ok, I step back and let him take the lead as instructed to do so by our counselor & cheer him on from the sidelines to watch him EPICALLY FAIL!

SD has recently become sexually active, experimenting w/ drinking (no doubt drugs) and placing herself in dangerous situations.

We sit her down & have a long & very rational discussion on the dangers of drinking and promiscuity. Tell her that choices she makes now can & will affect her life forever. BLAH BLAH BLAH (you all know the drill). DH was very quiet, being the passive parent, he doesn't want to discipline, he doesn't want to think about his 17 year old having sex, and he is uncomfortable talking to her this way. It was an easy chat for me, at least I knew what to say but that's not to say I didn't still get emotional. She may be difficult but I do love my SD (God only knows why because she is so mean to me).
I thought we made great success! By the end of the conversation we were all laughing and crying. I thought FINALLY, we've made it now that she's almost an adult anyway . . . . . .

BOY WAS I WRONG!

A few days later I call home from work to talk to SD. Its summer break, she’s not home, I understand and leave a message to call when she gets home. A few hours later she calls, we chat idly about what she was up to - bowling w/ her cousins. I tell her I called because I was going to make her an appointment with OB/GYN to discuss birth control options. She informs me that she was just talking to her cousins (who I should mention weren't exactly responsible on the whole having sex issues and not someone whom I'd want her getting advice from) and they have it all planned to go to the local free clinic.
I explain that it might be best to see the family doctor who can sit down with her, explain all her options, take advantage of our wonderful health plan, etc. etc. but it's a done deal for her.

Ok, my feelings are hurt! I thought we made such progress! She was just blowing smoke up my ass! I call to inform DH of her plans, cry into the phone my angers and frustrations. He agrees with me, we are less than thrilled that his cousins left us out of the loop.

I go blow off some steam with my sister after work to vent (because God knows we step parents need it)!

I come home @ 7 pm and SD informs me she has made her appointment at the free clinic. I despondently reply "Oh, really"? and then she relays that it's during the week at 2:30 in the afternoon and said that "I could take her if I wanted to". I told her "Oh, I have to work, perhaps you can get your cousin to take you" and then I go hide out in my room.

I avoid the SD like the plague for a day leading up to a vacation weekend planned where there is NO WAY I can continue to avoid her. I relay my feelings and sorrows to friends, ask for advice. 10 years of this and it never gets routine......
A friend relays, I should talk to her, let her know she hurt my feelings, clear the air.
Well it sounds like the "adult" thing to do.

The next day I approach her, ask if we can talk. She invited me in her bedroom. I ask if she knows why I've been distant, she confesses her Dad (DH) clued her in. I admit my feelings were hurt, tell her I recognize that I can be intimidating, tell her that I will get over her not confiding in me and applaud her for at least going to "somebody" who can help her. I don't point the finger, take equal blame for our dysfunctional relationship but tell her that after our talk, I thought we had made such progress! I wanted to clear the air so we can all have a good weekend.
She doesn't apologize.
Then she tells me that our relationship has always been bad and that I cannot expect to change that.
WTF?!?!?

Later that night I re-cap for DH. He is angry for what SD has said but continues to make excuses for her, telling me that she said that because I hurt her feelings for not taking the day off and taking her to the free clinic. I remind him that she already made those plans with his cousin and that she only asked me to take her because he told her I had hurt feelings / not that she really wanted me there at all. I told DH that he cannot fault me for stepping back and for not trying so hard anymore - after all 10 years of rejection is about all I can bear!

DH is mad at me (but only because he doesn't understand). I know that he is in a difficult position too, being stuck in the middle wondering who he should side with. I reassure him we will get through this (all the while hurting inside because I am never supported by him). The following week is akward. If I don't have anything nice to say to SD17, I don't say anything at all. DH stupidly confides in my sister that he wishes I would just get over it because he can't stand the tension in the house. My sis sticks up for me and clues me in on DH's feelings on the subject. I've tried explaining to DH how deeply my feelings are hurt but he just doesn't get it.

Now it seems that DH is giving ME the silent treatment and getting his little digs in in support of his daughter! I call him on it (very diplomatically of course) and all he can throw at me is that SD17 and I have MUTUALLY hurt each other's feelings and that my giving SD the silent treatment isn't helping resolve the issue! He seems less concerned about my feelings stating I'm the adult and I should handle it better. I've done this for 10 years and when SD was 8, mean and manipulative / I took the high road and did not engage her but 17 is old enough to know better and if she wants for fight like a woman than she better be prepared to deal with the consequences - she is not a child anymore and cannot hide behind Daddy!