Skids Need CONSTANT Attention and Supervision...
I'm new here, but I have a BF with three kids, all boys ages 13, 11, and 8. We have been together for almost 4 years, living together for 2. The kids are with us half-time, as BF and BM have a 50-50 split. Now, I generally don't like kids, which is why I quit teaching, but his are really very sweet and seem to like me. But they are incapable of completing even the simplest of tasks without constant supervision. They are the most dependent kids I have ever encountered. I've taught kindergartners who were more self-sufficient than these kids...they have been so sheltered by BF & BM, that they can't do anything on their own.
SS8 still sucks his thumb, won't take a shower by himself, and has no clue what to do with himself if he is not playing video games. Every time BF says it's "quiet time" with no video games, he comes downstairs and whines, "What can I do?" Granted, it's not entirely his fault, as his parents sent him to a Waldorf school so he still cant read (WTF!?), but he has no idea how to entertain himself. When BF tries to get him to shower alone, all hell breaks loose. He starts screaming, crying, pouting, as if he were being asked to walk through a pit of snakes. It's ridiculous. And BF always gives in, and lets him shower with his brother. The kid still can't work the DVD player, and has to ask BF to put in the disc for him and even press play every time he wants to watch a movie. He tells BF (in his irritating, whiny little voice), "I want you to play with me." And this after BF has spent an hour playing with just him. He still asks for help tying his shoes, for god's sake. And he seeks constant attention. Sometimes I catch him out of the corner of my eye, staring at me or BF whenever he says anything. I try to ignore him, but the staring gets on my nerves. BF & BM treat him like a baby, and he acts like a baby. I really see no difference in his personality/capabilities from when I first met him at 4 and now. He is a black hole of need.
SS11 & 13 need to be told over and over again to do simple things like tie their shoes. Until a year ago, BF was waking SS13 up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom so he wouldn't wet the bed! I told him this had to stop. SS11 can't sit down to do homework without crying - EVERY NIGHT. They can't be trusted to do chores, even after they're shown exactly how to do it, because they always f@CK it up. They break things, and it's not their fault. They forget things, and it's not their fault. If told to scrape food off their plates, rinse them and place them in the sink, you'll find unscraped, unrinsed plates on the counter. When told to get dressed, you'll find them in dirty t-shirts that are on backwards and inside out - EVERY SINGLE TIME. SS8 even wore his shorts backwards for the majority of the day last week, and didn't know it! The sad thing is, I think it's BF and BM's fault for raising such needy, incapable children. These kids have been mollycoddled so badly they cannot do anything on their own.
And I don't think the situation can be fixed at this point. I predict that these kids are going to be living at home, incapable of even holding down jobs until well into their 20's. Ugh.
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Hmm. You can't control what
Hmm. You can't control what the BM does in her house, but it sounds like your BF is definitely of the "guiltzilla" persuasion:
Here's a list of "symptoms"
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
OMG! Have you been to my
OMG! Have you been to my house! LMAO
I'm sure you've been to mine
I'm sure you've been to mine as well!
Yes, to 8 of 11 of these! How
Yes, to 8 of 11 of these! How do I fix this?
You don't fix it. You can
You don't fix it. You can attempt to disengage, letting daddy deal with the mess all by himself, but I HIGHLY recommend not having children with this man and if you can get out of this highly toxic, doomed to disaster relationship, do so sooner rather than later. TRUST me on this one! It's like quicksand. You get drawn in deeper and deeper, you lose yourself and often get financially mired in the mess.
"I predict that these kids
"I predict that these kids are going to be living at home, incapable of even holding down jobs until well into their 20's. Ugh."
That is my fear as well. Lord help us!!!
Have they been tested for
Have they been tested for developmental disabilities?
None of this sounds normal. You would think you'd have at least ONE of them who was strong-willed enough to want to do all this stuff on their own.
My SS7 can't wait to learn how to do stuff himself. He wants to do everything, use tools, cook, you name it. The kid is fiercely independent. No SD9 on the other hand, took forever to learn how to tie her shoes. Her little brother beat her to that skill and then she realized she needed to step it up. But for all 3 of yours to be completely incapable of so much, there's something really wrong there.
The problem is if you have
The problem is if you have bios that are PURPOSELY infantizing their children out of some deep seated need to have their spawn dependent on them for life, it's an uphill battle and all the testing and special ed in the world won't do a darn thing!
Wish there was a "like"
Wish there was a "like" button for some of these comments!
When I first mey Dh we were
When I first mey Dh we were talking on the phone and he asked if he could call me back because he had to go wipe his son's butt. When he called me back I told him there was no reason in the world why that 8yr boy should not be wiping his own butt! What the hell is wrong with these men???? My kids were wiping there own butts by the age of 4! That was 3 years ago. We have come along way baby! But still so far to go
I think it is really
I think it is really borderline abusive for parents to do this to their children. I actually think it is rather abusive to be having an 8 and 11 year old boys shower together. That's gross. The 11 could be entering puberty already and may want some privacy if you catch my drift. And your dh better watch it as someone may get ahold of it and report it to CPS.
I hope that you are not doing any of these things for the kids. How will dh keep up with providing constant care to 3 kids? Really? Let him do it all for them-down to scraping their dishes, doing their laundry, telling them to get dressed,tying their shoes, etc-just sit by and read a book. If he asks for your help simply say, "I think jr. is a big boy and he can do it himself".
There's definately plenty of
There's definately plenty of coddling going on here. Like the others suggested, let DH deal with the kids more. It's going to wear him out. The boys showering together is reaching a point where age makes it inappropriate. If the 8yo can't shower by himself then have him take a bath or something. pretty hard to not know how to sit in a tub of water. All he has to do is not fall over.
some parents do actually stunt their childrens growth on purpose because they like feeling like someone is dependant on them. But, with 3 kids even if that was the case dad's gonna get worn out after awhile.
http://kidsmartadvice.com/Bored.htm
Helping Children Entertain Themselves
I liked this article on tips for dealing with kids who want to constantly be entertained. Maybe there is something there you can use.