Dealing with SS8 - Advice needed and welcomed
When I met DH and skids, it was immediately apparent that SS8 was "left out" when it came to affection and outward showings of love from the adults in SS8 life. When I asked DH, he admitted that when SS6 was born, everyone, DH and DH family included, automatically shifted their focus to the baby and I felt SO bad for SS8. DH had been primary caregiver for skids and was growing increasingly hard on SS8 to try to make SS8 as self-sufficient as possible while DH tended to SS6 (the kids were I think 4 and 6 at the time and I could not believe oldest SS could get up each morning, brush his teeth, wash his face and get himself dressed and prepped for school with shirt tucked, belt fastened and shoes tied :O with no help or prompting from DH).
Well, I stepped into the relationship with DH and, because my heart went out to SS8 as a fellow oldest child, I tried extra hard to include SS8 in play time/discussion, etc when I could see that others were leaving SS8 out. Now, years later, I am beginning to have feelings of regret about showing any interest toward SS8 because he is SO DARN CLINGY! 
Any time DH and I hold hands, SS wants to hold my other hand.
He comes up to me at random times of the day to give me hugs...long hugs...almost inappropriately long if you ask me.
If I sit on the couch, SS8 will practically plow over SS6 to get a spot next to me.
When in church, SS8 wants to sit almost in my lap, I have to put my purse between us to be able to have room.
I was holding DH nephew the other day (nephew is 1) and SS8 kept rubbing on my hand. When I put nephew down, SS8 ran and gave me a hug. Later I picked up nephew again while SS8 was playing with SS6 and SS8 stopped playing to come and sit by me.
Yesterday, SS8 followed me all around the kitchen while I washed dishes/cleaned (the kitchen isn't that big, but every time I moved he was on my heels). Later on while watching television, SS8 sat on the floor near my feet and was rubbing on the top of my foot.
Whenever he does these things I have to tell him to stop several times before he stops. It almost seems like he doesn't even realize he's doing it sometimes because I'll tell him to stop and several minutes later he's doing it again.
I feel so bad for wanting him to LEAVE ME ALONE, but it drives me NUTTY. DH has told SS8 before that he has to give me some space and there are times when DH will call SS to do something for/with DH just to give me a break, but DH is not always around.
Any advice? If I'm being petty, it's okay to say that too.
You are not being petty,
You are not being petty, EVERY human being needs and deserves their own space and ME time. It is good that at least DH is trying to avert SS's attention from always being up your butt but I think that if it were me in this situation I would have a sit down with you, dh, and skid and explain to him what is appropriate and not appropriate touching and that everyone needs their space. Maybe the two of you being a united front and addressing this at the same time with him will make things more clearer to and for him.
And perhaps maybe some consequences to not doing as he is told like perhaps time out alone in his bedroom for not respecting other peoples space and inappropriate touching will do the trick as well.
Here's hoping!
"It is good that at least DH
"It is good that at least DH is trying to avert SS's attention"
DH told me I was exaggerating when I first mentioned the situation to him. One day SS was driving me crazy in church because he was so darn close and DH, who works audio/visual just happened to be on the cameras that day and witnessed SS behavior. When he saw how close SS was and how SS would move closer if I moved/shifted in the seat he immediately changed his tune.
Anyway, we haven't sat down and addressed this together, so that should be our next step. Perhaps if SS hears it from us both at the same time it will have better results.
Thanks!
You're the only one who shows
You're the only one who shows interest in him so of course he clings to you. He does need to understand that people need personal space and time alone, though. Maybe you could start by saying something like, "SS8, I was thinking maybe we can go for a walk later on but for the next hour I just want to go sit and read a book by myself. So how about you find something to do until it's time to go?"
"You're the only one who
"You're the only one who shows interest in him so of course he clings to you."
That's part of the reason I feel bad for these feelings of not wanting him to be around me so much. I like the idea of giving him something to look forward to, but telling him to find something else to do in the mean time.
Thanks for responding!!
Did you become a kind of
Did you become a kind of security "object" for him? Like a blankie or teddy bear? (But much better, of course!!) Since he is a mature and capable child, I think you should discuss it with him directly, as a matter of his growing up and being more independent. Explain that he's becoming a young "man" and touching you as he did when he was a "baby" isn't going to be okay. Maybe you could give him a "worry" ball, one of those things to squeeze and relieve stress, to use when he is feeling needy for you.
I like the worry ball idea as
I like the worry ball idea as well as talking to SS about growing up. We've done a similar thing with SS6 about his baby talk that he brings back from weekends with BM, didn't consider how that might work in this situation with SS8.
Thanks!!
Awwww it's so unfortunate for
Awwww it's so unfortunate for SS8. You are the only one who showed him love and affection and what did you get in return? A clingy SS. All I can say is just try to reiterate the fact that you need your own space when he tends to becomes too clingy. It's a gift and a curse.
"Awwww it's so unfortunate
"Awwww it's so unfortunate for SS8. You are the only one who showed him love and affection and what did you get in return? A clingy SS."
YES! I remember when I first met SS, he was very quiet and "standoffish" toward everyone. Now he's outgoing, energetic, affectionate and clingy, but only toward me.
It's definitely a gift and a curse.
Yes, you and dh need to
Yes, you and dh need to explain appropriate boundaries to him.... Bit the other half of fixing this problem is dh stepping up and splitting his time and affection equally with both boys. He needs to be making up the affection that you will no longer be giving the boy.
I agree, DH still admits
I agree, DH still admits awkwardness in showing affection toward SS8 and I've told him it isn't SS's fault.
DH tries to hug and kiss each equally, for example, he picks each of them up when he first gets home and will hug/kiss/tickle them. I'm not sure if SS8 agrees that things are awkward or feels he's too old to get hugs and kisses from dad but after a few seconds, SS8 squirms, wriggles around and then asks to be put down whereas SS6 often begs not to be put down.
I'm going to talk to DH about again it when he gets home today and tell him that he needs to start taking SS's out for more of their own individual time with DH.
I think 8 yes old is too old
I think 8 yes old is too old to be picking a boy up and tickling him. That probably feels awkward to ss8 esp since he didn't get that when he was younger. I think I hug and kiss is enough and then ask about his day. Have them get involved in an activity just the two of them.
I think 8 yes old is too old
I think 8 yes old is too old to be picking a boy up and tickling him. That probably feels awkward to ss8 esp since he didn't get that when he was younger. I think I hug and kiss is enough and then ask about his day. Have them get involved in an activity just the two of them.
I also suspect part of the
I also suspect part of the issue is that BM has been largely absent in his life (DH was primary caregiver prior to divorce 4 yrs ago and has the kids during the week and EOW now). I strongly believe kids are better off when they have positive relationships with both parents and SS8 might just be proof that this is true.