How do we stop feeling guilty? I feel like such a bad person.
The graduation party came and went. My MIL was able to guilt my SS into going. My SIL said it was great. That everyone showed up. Everyone except US! Because we were NOT INVITED. She did say my SS looked a bit upset at times. I think everyone was trying to make him work it out with his dad. My DH was very hurt. He wanted to go to the party anyway and talk to his son but I told him it would just cause drama in front of his whole family.
The news has reached everyone. My DH's aunt called and tried to give us tips on how deal with this. I know I am also being blamed in this. I hate it. And I spent all of the weekend anticipating a call from SS asking for more money. But my SIL told me last evening that SS got a full-ride sports scholarship to a VERY good college in the boston area. No one in our family has gone to such a good college. And it is not a easy program either. It is very technical. My DH tried to call SS to congratulate him but SS is not even picking up. It kills me to see my DH go through this. The whole house feels so depressing.
I feel like a b**** for expecting a money call for SS. I really underestimated his potential. We never knew. How do we stop feeling so damn guilty about this whole thing. The car is just sitting in the garage. It is just a miserable reminder about this situation. My DH is still holding on to it to give to SS before he goes to college. He will be needing it. Bussing it will be killer. I hope SS will let go of this anger soon. And with Father's Day this weekend, my DH will be really sad 
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The only thing to fix this is
The only thing to fix this is time....just let it go. As for the car, I still think he should drop it off to his son. Sign over the title and leave it in the car. The kid seems really responsible and will handle the insurance and maintenance fine.
Your husband should have been trying to be closer to his son all these years and he didn't make the effort. The only thing to fix this is time. He may never have a decent relationship with his son, but if he continues to push him it will just push him further away.
Yes, I think he should just
Yes, I think he should just handover the car too. And my DH should pay the damn insurance like he promised he would. I hope time heals this. My DH should really have made the effort earlier like you said. What is the point pining over it now. But now I am being screwed over in DH's family.
"And I spent all of the
"And I spent all of the weekend anticipating a call from SS asking for more money. But my SIL told me last evening that SS got a full-ride sports scholarship to a VERY good college in the boston area. "
Why didn't your SS tell you about this scholarship BEFORE this all blew up? Scholarships, especially full rides, are offered very early. he had to have applied and been accepted LONG before this graduation fiasco.
My SS told his mother and my
My SS told his mother and my MIL on graduation day. I do not why he waited so long. My lovely MIL did not tell us this. How wonderful. We had to hear it from my SIL, a few days after everyone else knows.
Ok, the fact that he didn't
Ok, the fact that he didn't tell his mother until graduation day is weird in itself. Something about this does not sound right.
The fact that the Dad didn't
The fact that the Dad didn't know about the scholarship says a lot. He is obviously really out of touch with this kid. He really needs to sit down and write the kid a letter to try and connect with him. Just send it, even if the kid tosses it know that he has tried. But, honestly if the relationship was better earlier, none of this would have happened. He needs to give him the car, pay the insurance for a year and leave a letter in the car and walk away. Let the kid come to him after that. Give him time and he will.
My sisters have alienated my father and have zero relationship with him. Dad and them handled it really bad when my parents divorced. Me - I forgave him and we have a great relationship.
You are right, the
You are right, the relationship was strained before. I do not think the scholarship was an indication though. He told his own mother on the day of the graduation. Maybe it was a surprise. Just makes me feel even more crappy if it was. My DH said he will pay for insurance and gas until SS graduates. I do not know how they are going to co-ordinate the car. We do not want to drop off the car without talking to my SS about safety and insurance costs from accidents. We have till september to get this mess sorted out.
This is the same kid that did
This is the same kid that did not invite you, his father's wife to his graduation? Your husband took up for you by not attending and now his whole family is upset at the two of you? your husband did no less than i would expect my husband to do in that situation. no less than i myself would do. this kid is angry and resentful because your bio kid has more than he does. maybe that's because he doesn't have the same mother as his step brother does. life is not fair. some women are better off financially than others. and you are NOT responsible for "making things even". divorce means going on with life. your husband is to be providing a PORTION of his child's support, not its entirety. this goes for the "extras" too. it's not you, your husband's or your bio-son's fault that his mother isn't doing HER share. if it were my husband in this position, i'd ask him to tell his ex-wife that he would provide HIS PORTION of the car, up to her to uphold her end.
so quit feeling guilty. this kid obviously chooses NOT to be fully involved with his father (which includes accepting his wife and bio child). and i'd put a foot up my husband's you know what if he EVER made financial arrangements of this magnitude without consulting me!
The graduation ticket was for
The graduation ticket was for two people. Her DH assumed it was for one, assumed his wife was being left out, and did not attend his son's graduation. She was indeed invited, but her husband never called his son to verify that she was being excluded. He was pissed and just didn't go. He really hurt his son's feelings, and now the son isn't speaking to him.
Honestly? your husband was an
Honestly? your husband was an ass about the tickets, and its his fault. I don't think I would be wasting more than, I don't know, 10 seconds worrying about what my SS thought, ESPECIALLY if he was blaming me. I would tell everyone it was your DH's decision, and refuse to speak to them anymore about it. It's not difficult-say "this was DH's decision. You need to talk to him."
I just don't understand why you are so worked up over this. Its your DH's problem.
^^^I agree with this.^^^
^^^I agree with this.^^^
It is my God D*** problem now
It is my God D*** problem now because my DH's family is after me. So yes, I have a reason to be pissed off. My family is in another state. My DH's family is the only one I have here. So I care what they think about me. And if it is affecting my son, you bet your ass it is my problem.
I get it-you don't want a
I get it-you don't want a solution. it falls on deaf ears that
1) the way to fix this is to TELL THEM THAT IT WAS YOUR DH'S decision and to talk to him.
and also, what son? Your stepson? Or do you have a bio son involved in this? Because he certainly isn't treating you like he is your son. Maybe if you stopped taking responsibility for every ounce of unhappiness that goes on in your home, then you might start getting somewhere.
Ok. Maybe you have not been
Ok. Maybe you have not been reading my posts. My DH HAS TOLD his family it was his fault only. But they still assume I am involved. And yes, I have my own son, he is 16. I am not taking responsibility for my DH's mistake. But guess what, it is causing unhappiness for me. So really, you do not get it.
So, you have choices. You
So, you have choices. You can
1) keep caring, keep getting blamed, and keep being upset.
or
2) don't care, don't care if you get blamed, put the blame where it is due, and stop being upset.
The only person that can change this is you. Maybe getting everyone together and telling them to SUCK IT and that it's not your problem would be a place to start. Do you think these people care if you are unhappy? You are the scapegoat.
I have told my SIL, my BIL
I have told my SIL, my BIL and my MIL that it was not my fault. Family means a lot to me and I cannot shut them out. They are the only support system we have here. And they are my son's family too. He should have them in his life. I am just upset and expressing my feelings here.
This does not sound like a
This does not sound like a kid that you have to lecture about insurance costs. Our rule is one accident or ticket and you pay your own insurance. Just put it in a note in the car. Stop overthinking this and just give that kid the car and let it be. He will come back eventually.
I'm really curious about this
I'm really curious about this full ride your SS got... Is he an honest person? If that's true he should have know months ago. Sounds like it could be a lot of BS bragging to relatives to me. Perhaps I'm too cynical...
You would be surprised at the
You would be surprised at the scholarships that are handed out. I sat through the Senior Awards night recently and couldn't believe the full scholarships that they are giving out now. Seemed much harder when we were in school.
Its not the fact that he got
Its not the fact that he got a scholarship, it's the timing of the scholarship. The kid would have had to fill out a FAFSA form back in the winter to even start the scholarship process, and if the kid is still a minor the custodial parent at least would have been involved. This smells fishy. His MOM didn't even know until graduation day????
I disagree - it is really not
I disagree - it is really not that intensive if it is a sports scholarship. The process you are refering to is for scholastic and financial aid stuff. Also sounds like this mom is not really involved with him either. Sounds like he was raising himself if you go back and re-read OP's blogs.
Honestly they should just be grateful he is a good kid and give him the car. In due time, he will come back to his Dad. They may never have a strong relationship, but they will have something.
It sounds like Dad is stubborn and wants the relationship on his terms and unfrotunately, this kid is older and it will be on his terms and not Dad's.
If the scholarship is not valid, that will come out as soon as the bills are due. But, honestly it just sounds like he is a good kid and really is self-sufficient and doesn't need Dad at all. I just don't understand why the communication level got so bad that no one really knew what was going on with the kid. Sounds like DH really screwed up here and only has himself to blame.
My SD15 hates my DH but, he keeps trying to talk with her via email and texts and Facebook. He knows he has tried and has accepted that he will be here if she wants a relationship. Until she does, they have nothing. Your DH just needs to leave the kid alone and be there when he does come back.
I have no clue how
I have no clue how scholarships work. I hope my SS is telling the truth or it will be bad when it comes out. My DH is being stubborn. I have told him to let SS come back to him by himself but he will not listen to me.
#1, I hope your DH is
#1, I hope your DH is sticking up for you when his family gives you down the road for this. #2, this was DH's mistake..not yours.
DH will have to live with the decision he made, just like you were worried about. You did all but hogtie him and drag him to the graduation. You have nothing to feel bad about. Keep your head up and hang in there.
Thanks. I really did try. I
Thanks. I really did try. I made my DH tell them it was all his fault but they still think I had a hand in this. FML.
It F****** said admit one.
It F****** said admit one. The school did it to save paper. One of those tickets lets two people in. What kind of a school does that? And my stupid DH did not call my SS to clarify. One F****** phonecall would have fixed this.
I was not cursing at you. I
I was not cursing at you. I am angry at the ticket. I am sorry you thought it as at you. Sigh.. this site is not what I thought it was.
Maria, not everyone is always
Maria, not everyone is always going to agree with you so you have the choice to ignore whoever you want. But I have found sometimes that opening my mind and taking on board other people's points can be quite enlightening and helpful.
Really, people are trying to offer you their best advice. If you just want to rant all you have to do is say so. We do understand.
Yes, at home I never swear. I
Yes, at home I never swear. I do not want my family using that language. I swear sometimes when I am with my Gfs. But I am angry at that ticket, so I called it a F****** ticket. Sorry if you were offended in any way. I meant nothing by it. I am "venting" here, nothing else.
I think it’s time to get your
I think it’s time to get your head out of the guilt sand and start thinking about this logically. A full ride sports scholarship? Do your research this time--Google the college and the scholarship. What sport? How did your SS find the time to attend school, get good grades, have a job to support his mother who lost her job, play a sport well enough to obtain a full-ride sports scholarship AND managed to keep it a secret from everyone? If he was able to accomplish all this, he is truly an amazing young man.
Having said that in your opening post you said:
“For our BS (16) we bought a $7,000 car. It looks very nice. We pay insurance and give BS gas money as long as his grades are good and he does his chores. Of course, now, SS (17) will be expecting the same deal. It is going to put a big dent in our finances. DH just made a promise without thinking. What the hell?”
Family favouritism or unequal and unfair treatment of one child over another is a dirty little family secret, taught, learned and passed along from generation to generation. This destructive family pattern plays itself out by treating one child as more deserving of special treatment than the other because of the favoured child’s good behaviour, not because of the parental bias that it actually is--Neither the favoured child nor the unfavoured child are done justice.
There is something very wrong here and I would recommend you get to the bottom of it.