I don't know why I even bother. What is the f*ing point? I joined this family hoping that I could be happy. I am miserable. And nobody cares. I don't know that I've ever been so alone, even when I was alone.

As I knew would happen, SD20 has returned to princess status (see previous blogs). I expected it from inlaws, I didn't expect it from DH. I thought he had my back. I guess I was wrong. We've been meeting with our pastor every week since the CPS incident and family implosion in January. He recommended we set some specific limits between DH and I about how we should handle her. The things we agreed on were 1)We were not supporting her financially 2)She was not to be in our house for 6 months 3) He would not discuss me with her at ALL for 1 month.

One week after our agreement, he had a discussion about me and our relationship with her and HIS PARENTS. Guess that promise didn't mean anything. Yesterday he told me he gave her money. Guess that promise didn't mean anything either. Makes me wonder if she's been lounging around our house while I'm gone.

The worst part about him giving her money is that he was mad at me for being mad. Like how dare I question him and what he decides to do. He didn't even have the balls to tell me when we were alone, he told me in front of the pastor. Talk about uncomfortable. It's really difficult not to say "Are you fucking kidding me?" in front of a pastor. But that's exactly why he did it.

We agreed before we got married that we would make parenting decisions together. I guess he's changed his mind. Tuesday we sat down with SD20 (the first time I've talked to her since January) to discuss how the relationship will be with her living next door. I told her that I would be socially polite to her and that was it. I didn't want any other kind of relationship with her until she got her act together. We did this because yesterday was DH moms bday and for her birthday she wanted "her whole family together". Talk about pressure. I didn't want to meet with her, but I did because DH wanted me to. Afterwords, he didn't really say anything to me about it. Yesterday, I accidentally (really) saw a text message from him to her thanking her for having the conversation with us. Thanking HER!!! Um, I don't recall getting thanked.

So he says he wants me to be at the bday dinner, and act like I normally do, like be engaged in the conversation and whatever I needed to do to make his mom happy. So I did exactly what he wanted even though it was pure hell for me. So after, I waited and waited for him to acknowlege it. I sat and stewed for several hours. Finally he said something about it, but it was obvious he only did it because he knew I was pissed. I bet he thanked SD20 for putting up with me.

SD15 now has 3 D's and a C-. The school year is over in two weeks. Evidently he expects me to fix this. We've been talking to her about it for two months and he hasn't punished her or done anything. Guess I'm supposed to do it. Like I need another reason for them to think I'm a bitch.

We took away SD15s phone after we found the text messages where she called me all kinds of names and her boyfriend threatened to kill me. A few days later, we realized she had been texting on her IPOD plotting to get CPS here and get to live at her moms. So we took that too. About a month ago DH decided she should have it back (without asking me) as long as she promised not to text on it. Yeah right. Tonight I found out that she's been texting on it the entire time she's had it back. I kept telling him that he needed to check it periodically to make sure she really wasn't doing it. He did it once about a week ago and said she wasn't doing it. But evidently he gave her enough notice so she could delete the app before he checked.

There is so much more, but I'm not sure anyone has even read this far. I don't know what to do. I'm doing everything I can and it isn't good enough. We keep fighting. I'm tired of being lied to and talked about, I'm tired of SD20 being more important that anyone else. I'm tired of DH keeping secrets from me and rewarding SD20 for being a selfish manipulative bitch. Tonight he took them all to dinner and the movies. Way to reward bad behavior.

The only good thing I can say is that SS14 is a dream. I couldn't ask for a better son if I gave birth to him myself.

I miss my dog. I miss having a life. I miss smiling. I miss my husband. I miss being me.