I originally found this site when I was looking for information on how to handle dealing with my XH and his fiancee and I have to thank you all for sharing your stories - hearing the blended family horror and success stories from the perspective of step parents has helped me understand some of what XH's fiancee must have experienced for the last couple of years and will experience (hopefully not the worst of it, but the feelings and hardships that go with taking on another person's child) in the future and in some ways has made me more sympathetic to her experience.

That said, I also found this site because, like most if not all blended family situations, ours has its fair share of difficulties. The difference is, most of the nastiness is coming from my DD's future stepmother in this case

While I cannot boast a perfect record as far as my own behavior is concerned, I have only had a couple of minor slip-ups since XH started seeing her (they are now engaged and have a baby together) and have made a very serious effort to be kind, to never say anything negative about either XH or her to my DD, to never react badly when my DD repeats something nasty she has said about me (which unfortunately happens frequently). It isn't easy, but it is important to me that my daughter understand that I respect her future stepmother's place in her life and I make sure that DD understands that this woman is a parental and authority figure in her father's home and that she needs to respect her and treat her as such. I have no interest in undermining her or making her life difficult or any of the common issues I've seen come up between the two halves of broken families here on Step Talk.

Unfortunately, this woman who my daughter's father intends to share the rest of his life with does not abide by the same code of common decency. She consistently says nasty things about me to my daughter (e.g., that her father and I never loved each other and only got married because of her, that I don't care about her because I let her take a bath sometimes rather than a shower - ridiculous and inappropriate things really) and has for the past couple of years. She throws away toys and clothes that I have bought for DD (DD brings a backpack back and forth with her so she can carry her school things and sometimes clothes that are being returned or a toy or book that she wants to take with her - she spends a week here, a week there, back and forth).

Last night I picked up DD at the scheduled time (we are both very good about sticking to the parenting schedule and showing up on time and all that) and I heard her (the side door is right next to their living room and she is loud lol) say, "(XH), she's here," then when he didn't respond, she yelled, "(XH)! Bitch!" As in, the b***h is here. Well within earshot of my daughter.

I try to take the things DD shares with me (I have taught myself not to ask questions about what XH's fiancee says because it just ends up being hurtful and not worth hearing) with a grain of salt because she is young and she doesn't always understand or relay things clearly, but some things are hard to miss. I mean, my DD has told me many times that fiancee "hates me" - clearly she is hearing that when she is with her father and that really saddens me. Not that she hates me - that's her right and doesn't bother me. It's the fact that she shares this with my child that I think is inappropriate. She is marrying my XH and I honestly wish them nothing but the best. I don't have any interest in him, I don't bother him about trivialities, I only speak to him when necessary about DD. I really don't make any attempt to be in their business or bother them or disrupt their relationship in any way.

I asked XH a few days ago at our exchange if he would be willing to switch one day with me in July so that DD can be in a dear friend's wedding - she asked awhile ago but I forgot to check the schedule and I apologized for that and told him if she couldn't it's fine and I understand I just need to let my friend know as soon as possible. He told me that the wedding fell during the same week as his baby's birthday so I said I totally understand if you are having her party that day just let me know when you decide.

Well he decided that DD should be in the wedding, which was very generous and I appreciated that very much. But then as DD and I were driving back to my house, she told me that fiancee told her, "Since you aren't coming to baby's birthday party, she won't be coming to yours," as if my daughter had made the decision to not be there for her baby sister It was just such a mean and vindictive thing to say. (On top of that, she was already refusing to come to DD's party, which is fine, but she used it as a reason to say something mean and nasty to a little kid and that's upsetting.)

In the past if she's said something particularly awful in front of DD, I have told XH and asked him to talk to her about being civil in front of her, but it hasn't ever helped so I stopped asking. I am so disappointed in him for not being a grown-up and expecting his future wife to be a grown-up in front of his daughter.

I guess I am just wondering, from a step parent perspective, if there is anything I can do (or not do) to make this situation any better or if I am just going to have to live with the fact that my DD is going to have a stepmother who behaves this way.

I really am a good mom - I take good care of DD, I provide for her myself without any kind of financial support from her dad or the government or anyone else, I work hard. I don't do drugs or drink or have a mental illness. I make sure she goes to school and does her homework and goes to activities and spends time with friends and family... Hell, I'm about 6 weeks away from probably being our next PTO president. I don't want my XH back and never have. I feel like the only thing I am doing wrong is existing.