O/T: How to deal with a completely irresponsible parent?
I have had a very on/off relationship with my mother for my entire adult life. She was a terrible mother, was involved with a man from the time I was 6 who was a terrible stepfather - he was a crack addict and a total a**hole, and I went to college (did that completely on my own) and never looked back. I was on my own from the time I was 18.
I've gone years without talking to her and have no relationship with my stepfather from whom she is now estranged.
Problem is, for whatever reason, I thought it would be valuable for my DD to know her grandmother, so I have tried for the past several years to get along with her. She is "nice" in her way but she is a totally useless human being. She refuses to work, claims she is "disabled" at 51 years old (other than needing a knee replacement I have seen no sign of this "disability" that she receives assistance for). She has angled the system for years to get money and not have to work and she is pretty good at it.
That's all annoying but since it doesn't really effect me, I don't really care. (I care, but I can ignore it I guess.)
The thing is, I work hard and make a decent living and support myself and my daughter and have an okay life. Apparently she thinks this means she should just be able to borrow money from me whenever she needs to (for cigarettes mostly). Ugh. I want to tell her to piss up a rope honestly but she's such a martyr and I don't want to deal with the drama.
I guess I am just venting but does anyone else have a parent like this? Do you have a relationship with them? I don't appreciate being used as an ATM by someone who makes no effort to support herself.
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Comments
You should tell her to piss
You should tell her to piss up a rope.. and don't deal with the drama. Just cut it off. She's a user, obviously.. you can't change that. The only thing she will teach your DD is how to be a user/manipulator.
I don't have a relationship exactly like yours with your mother, but my father was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive when I lived in his house (until 18, same as you). I speak to him, and if he needs me, I try to be there for him when I can out of obligation because he is my father. And believe me, he takes advantage of that. I do not have kids of my own, but if I did, their relationship with him would not be a fraction of a priority. I know who he is and what he's like. If he weren't my father, I definitely wouldn't want my kid or any other around him. Because of him, I decided not to have any kids. Scares the bejesus out of me to think it's remotely possible for any of his parenting skills (or lack thereof) have rubbed off on me.
So, speaking from kinda similar experience.. let her go. You will never be anything more than a resource for her to use.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments - I don't really think my DD is getting anything from it (other than potentially a bad influence over the long term) to be honest. She hasn't even seen her since Christmas. My mother was supposed to come and spend the day with us several weeks ago and she bailed at the last minute. She causes me a lot of stress - she posts on my Facebook all the time, she makes comments that are trying to convince the world that I got my awesome mommy skills from her (blatantly false - she was rarely conscious when I got home from school by the time I was 10-12), and she constantly wants to borrow money.
I might just start backing away slowly.
'she posts on my Facebook all
'she posts on my Facebook all the time, she makes comments that are trying to convince the world that I got my awesome mommy skills from her (blatantly false - she was rarely conscious when I got home from school by the time I was 10-12)'
That is one of the lowest blows.. dude, you just need to delete her. I don't know how you even handle that.
My dad takes credit for the kind of person I am, because I've actually made something of my life. Sad thing is.. he did have a lot to do with who I am, because I had a damn good example of what not to be.
I'm guessing if you have other family on your FB that really knows your mom, they know she's full of crap coming out with that garbage anyway.
Hi there - I read your post
Hi there - I read your post and thought is this person my twin? I struggle with this every day and just told my mom yesterday that I felt like an ATM. She stresses me out, exhausts me, yet I continue to have a relationship with her. Not because I want a relationship, but because I feel like I have to have one because: 1) She's my mother and 2) She has alienated everyone else -- I'm the only person she has in her life. I would feel guilty if I left her, too.
She has a serious problem with spending money on whatever she wants, and then expecting me to pay for everything else. The latest is she bought a $400 dog and now can't make her car payment. I already pay for her house every month. Yet, every month she falls short on paying something and who does she call??? I've done a lot better about saying no. I feel like the house should be enough, but it never is.
She's only 62 - it's only going to get worse as she ages. I'm planning to move out of state within the next 18 months so I can put some physical distance between us. I secretly dream of changing my phone number and moving without telling her where I'm at...
So, you're not alone. And, I don't know why it's so hard to distance ourselves from people like this. I wish I knew the answer.
Best,
K :sick:
One more thing... why do I
One more thing... why do I always worry about how she feels? She never cares about how I feel????? My husband says it's because I have a concious.