Tired & Feeling Alone
My BF of 7 years and I are 13 weeks pregnant, and I am having a terrible pregnancy so far. We were told after 6 years of trying to conceive and 1 ectopic pregnancy that our only option would be IVF...well, here we are! Right now should be the happiest time of my life, right?! WRONG.
Let me also add that this is a child who does not live with us and rarely comes to see us (we live about an hour and a half away). He might come to see us once a month and for a few weeks in the summer, plus school vacations. When he comes, he sits in front of the TV and plays video games, or is constantly playing on his cell phone (that we were so kind to buy him for Christmas and pay the bill every month for). He barely speaks to anyone, even after being in his life for so long.
My 12yo SS and my BF are getting on my last nerve, and I am at the point of saying, "This is not worth my sanity or a miscarriage."
My SS recently had a birthday, and my BF and I agreed we would be gifting him cash (I agreed to give $50 towards the amount...more than enough for a 12yo IMO). I came home to discover my BF was ordering him a custom pair of $250 sneakers instead. I DID MENTION WE HAVE A BABY ON THE WAY, RIGHT?! I let my feelings go for days, unsure of how to approach the conversation, as EVERY time I try to talk to my BF about his parenting style with my SS, he becomes defensive and tells me I am not a parent and have no idea what I'm talking about. Some of my other concerns about my BF have been his lack of rules when my SS is visiting...as I feel this is his house too, he should respect the home itself (clean up after himself, turn off lights when done in a room, empty the trash if its full instead of continuing to pile trash in the can). My BF feels when my SS comes to visit, it's his vacation time and he shouldn't have to do it, so my BF cleans up after him. My BF will not give him a bedtime, so when he comes to visit (lately, our nephew comes with him too), they are up until all hours of the night eating and making noise as they please. While this hasn't always bothered me, I have been suffering from extreme insomnia with my pregnancy, and treasure every little bit of rest I can get.
I finally decided to talk to my BF about my fears and concerns yesterday after a heart to heart with my own SM about how she dealt with me growing up and during her own pregnancies with my siblings. I was so nervous and overwhelmed with feelings. The conversation started out fine until I said my SS name. As soon as I brought up our difference in opinion about the sneakers...my opinion is that we give him half the money for the shoes and have him save the rest to show him responsibility and appreciation...my BF disagreed entirely and said my SS never asks for anything, is a good kid, gets good grades, etc. THE CHILD DOESN'T ASK FOR MUCH BECAUSE HE DOESN'T SPEAK, but when he does, it is always high ticket items (iPhone plus cell phone bill, expensive clothing, video games). I told my BF I will never consider buying my own child a pair of $250 sneakers at 12yo when his foot is still growing. My BF said that we obviously disagree and he has no problem giving his child what he wants. My BF said these sneakers only cost about 2 days work for him, but refuses to take 1 day off work to go to my doctor's appointments with me (I've asked him to attend 3 so far, not each of them, and 1 is a future visit when we find out the sex).
I am sick over this. Our conversation needed to end after this because i was so shaken up and I never even got to express myself entirely. I have put myself in my SS shoes and understand he is probably upset about his dad moving away, but my BF refuses to acknowledge that parenting out of guilt is no way to parent at all. I have even told my BF that we will be moving to my SS city after the baby comes to be closer to him, as I have concerns about us being so far away and don't want our children to be estranged. I've told my BF that I am considering a part time job to help save money (especially since he plans on spending as if its still just the 2 of us), and told him we need to hold off on our plans of an engagement to save money. Why am I sacrificing all of this?!
My family is on the verge of being torn apart, and I am mentally and physically exhausted over this! Please, somebody, give me some advice!!!!
- Preggo and Resentful's blog
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Comments
I whole-heartedly agree.
I whole-heartedly agree.
I can only tell you how I
I can only tell you how I would handle the situation. Firstly, I would make up my mind for sure one way or the other as to whether or not this man/relationship is worth all this stress. Please understand that this will not get better with time; it will get worse as the child ages. If my decision were to stay, I would broach the subject again WITHOUT calling anyone out. Your issues are:
1 House rules that everyone follows. This can include chores, bedtimes, basic expectations of courtesy, etc. Do not bring up to DH when ss breaks rules. Make a chart, and mark it there where DH can actually see all the "violations." Do not, however, actually expect DH to do anything about it. Oh, I'm sure he'll have "talks" with ss, but I mean, don't expect any real consequences.
2 Money. You would like a set amount each month to spend on the baby for necessities like a bassinette, crib, clothes, diapers, baby bedding (min two sets each for bassinette and crib), stroller, car seat(s), etc. Take an afternoon and make an extensive list of *everything* the baby will need, then do a little research and find out how much items like that will cost that will satisfy you. I'm thinking a fair amount just might be $250/mo.
Anyway, present DH with the list so he can see just how much this is really going to cost him. Explain that buying now a little at a time will be easier on the budget than trying to come up with it all two months before the baby gets here.
As long as he meets this obligation, disengage from SS, DH's parenting of SS, and how much DH spends on SS. Adopt the mantra "not my kid, not my problem," and repeat as necessary. Invest in a good set of ear plugs or noise cancelling head phones, or perhaps even spend weekends when ss visits with your mom or a friend.
And finally, go back on this site and read and research some of the blogs on different parenting in the home. I say this because you need to understand that just because you have a baby does not mean DH is suddenly going to step up and be an awesome dad to SS or listen to what you have to say about parenting because you actually are a parent now. He will come up with new excuses of why you don't know what you're talking about. SS will always be the golden child. Your child will be the only subject to rules.
*dupe
*dupe
Thank you for the advice doll
Thank you for the advice doll faced. We did end up having a conversation finally, and it was decided that since the promise was already made to SS to buy him the sneakers, we would go through with the purchase...if not, I truly would look at myself as an evil stepmother too, and why punish him for his dad's error. I did however, voice my extreme concern with our finances over this decision and said I did not support it, so I contributed nothing financially to it.
I have only seen SS once since this has taken place, and I am perfectly fine with that, but of course, sad that my HTB (we recently did get engaged) cannot understand that he is parenting out of guilt and not setting the proper example and guidelines for this child.
HTB agreed that his son needs to have chores when he visits our house, but since he has not been to our house, there has been no other mention or reinforcement of it.
For Mother's Day, HTB was kind enough to send SS money to take his mom to breakfast, but SS was sick that day. Instead of HTB telling SS to postpone, he allowed him to spend the money on himself. Unbelievable!
This child is making me more and more resentful everyday, and I am suddenly feeling perfectly fine if I don't have to see him for the entire summer. I may take your advice and disappear when he does come up for a visit.
It's just so disheartening for me that HTB has become that "guilty parent", and I am so fearful that when we move closer to SS, our own child may suffer with HTB's absence because of his sudden need to make up for time lost with SS.
We'll see how it goes, but everyday is a struggle internally to keep my mouth shut about SS and his ability to manipulate his father in such a sly manner...especially those weeks when we struggle financially and I think that $250 pair of sneakers could be going towards a bill or food on our table. Recently, HTB and I were working on finances, and I noticed HTB has been footing the bill for iTunes purchases monthly for SS to the tune of $50-$60 as well in addition to the cell phone bill we also pay.