Father's Day...it's already starting to be a pain in the butt
I swear I am developing a complex about myself due to this stepmom crap.
For Father's Day, I thought I'd be nice and take a half day from work on Friday to drive and pick up my stepson for the weekend(which equals over 3 hrs in the car for me at almost 6 months pregnant...not a fun time) to surprise my FDH on Friday when he comes home from work with him at our house. Of course, I knew he'd be seeing him for Father's Day, but I thought it'd be nice to have him at our house when FDH arrives home.
I text SS to see if he'd be interested in coming up for the weekend, and of course, to go right along with his personality, all I got back was "K". I went ahead and talked to BM about it, and she was more than happy to send him with us for the weekend and said Friday would be a great surprise for FDH.
I told FDH I had plans involving SS for the weekend for him and that there would be a surprise, but I told him there wouldn't be much of a gift for him because we're (well, let me correct that and say I'm..see previous posts) trying to save money for upcoming baby boy's arrival. I asked that he not make plans and not pester SS about what's happening for the weekend.
Last night, FDH was texting SS and I noticed he was asking him about the weekend, so I asked "What gives? I thought we talked about this and I asked you not to spoil the surprise?" FDH actually walked away from me as if he had to calm himself down and came back to tell me he hadn't seen his son in 3 weeks and that I don't understand because I'm not a parent...here we go again with this line!!!
We went to bed, I'm over it, whatever.
Uh no. This morning as soon as I wake up, FDH tells me he needs to talk to me about a few things and goes on to tell me I'm selfish and he hasn't seen his son for 3 weeks. This weekend is not about me, it is about him spending time with his son for Father's Day. He tells me I had my Mother's Day, now it's time for him to have his Father's Day with his son. No other fathers have to worry about pleasing anyone else on Father's Day except their kids. This is not about me, blah blah blah. He can't believe how selfish I am to think this day is about me.
Selfish?! Are you freaking kidding me?! I am using time off from work, money, sitting cramped in a car seat for hours, and energy to go and pick this kid up to sit in a car with him and not have him talk to me the entire weekend!!!!
To top it all off, my hormones are RAGING, and I am an emotional basketcase. I feel like FDH doesn't even like me anymore, like he's constantly saying little things to bother me or criticise me.
I cried for a bit and then got angry and went downstairs to tell him, "If you think I'm selfish, then I don't have to take a half day from work Friday and drive all those hours to go and get your son for your weekend. I had no plans with you two, all I wanted was to surprise you with having your son here for you when you get home." You know what he told me? He said that was fine, there was no reason for me to be involved because it's HIS weekend.
The only freaking reason he hasn't seen his son in so long is because he didn't budget his money accordingly because the last time he saw him, he spent all of his money on his weekend with his son and then I had to bail us out for 2 weeks. His son's cell phone was turned off this week, I had to pay the bill to have it turned back on so that he could talk to him. For what?! There's no appreciation from that kid, but if stepmom wasn't there with the money, he wouldn't even have the damn phone now. I'm so tired of feeling like the evil ogre when FDH has no idea the pain I go through as a stepmom. This job sucks. There is no appreciation, I'm not allowed to say anything about his parenting, and yet I have to accomodate his schedule and his child. I am going above and beyond to make sure his son feels comfortable once our little boy comes by giving up our bedroom so the baby and SS have the master bedroom and more room for themselves. SS BARELY COMES TO SEE US! So why am I bending over backwards? Because I'm either an idiot, or because I honestly care about this kid and don't want him to feel left out.
I'm so tired of being crapped on and feeling like this. I understand his child will always come first, but where does that put our family? And where do boundaries come in? BEING A STEPMOM SUCKS.
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Comments
Sorry you are feeling so
Sorry you are feeling so frustrated right now! I really have no words of wisdom, sometimes it just really does suck to be the stepmom...
I agree Foxie. FDH just sent
I agree Foxie. FDH just sent me a text with a picture of a receipt from the grocery store from today, and I want to ask if he wants a trophy for buying some food once in a while. And WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD YOU PLAN TO FEED YOUR SON THIS WEEKEND? Because I'm sure as hell not making any extra trips to the store to accomodate his picky ass eating and ungratefulness. And he better not touch my organic preggo food, or someone will die this weekend.
How very sweet and thoughtful
How very sweet and thoughtful of you, bending over backwards trying to please your DH above and beyond just Fathers Day. When my DH would be a dink instead of being grateful, I knew something was eating at him. I learned that it was best for me to step back and let my DH figure things out for himself. He knew I was here if he needed a shoulder but that is as far as I would go in helping him with his kids. In given time, DH opened his eyes to what was really troubling him and it wasn't me! If you can step back, it may help your DH feel less stressed bc he is likely dealing with mixed/torn emotions. If your plans are not set in stone, I wouldn't worry about picking your SS up or throwing a Fathers Day party. Could your DH deep down be worrying about money and feeling obligated to dump money down the drain in trying to make up missed time with his son? Keep in mind that people are known to lash out on the ones they love most. Your a safe person for your DH and he knows that you will still be there if he has a bad day or struggling with feeling like a guilty parent. Just speaking from experiences I have been through but I hope it may be of help for you.
You know, what's sad is when
You know, what's sad is when I sat back and thought on it, I realize what FDH may have wanted to convey but he did it in a bad and insensitive way with me. Maybe FDH wanted SS to know that dad was missing him and wanted him to know that he was definitely going to see him this weekend, and that it wasn't just SM making it happen for the hell of it because of the holiday.
FDH needs to learn how to phrase things better and stop getting so upset with me. Yes, he moved away from SS to a different state to be with me, BUT SS does not show any interest in being with us at all. For years, I bent over backwards and gave up days off to spend time with both of them, but I no longer do that. I used to go crazy on SS for holidays, but I got tired of not being thanked. You need to go see your son this weekend? See you when you get back. SS shows no interest in spending time with me, shows no appreciation for anyone (not even dad), and FDH sees no problem with it. In fact, he has blamed me for it. He had the nerve to call me out in front of SS and SS's grandma (not FDH's mother, but BM's mother). I told him his son doesn't give hugs, I mean what the hell do you want me to say. I'm not going to force the kid to hug me.
These men know nothing about what SM's go through, nor do they even bother to ask. It's just automatically assumed that it's a "package deal", but I'm learning more and more lately that it doesn't have to be. Yes, I can respect his child. Yes, I can make sure he's fed & bathed when he's with us and we are alone. But no, I will not go out of my way with him.
You're selfish because he
You're selfish because he hasn't talked to his son in three weeks?
Oh really?
Sounds like being a wife right now is sucking for you WAY MORE than being a stepmom.
Exactly! He should try being
Exactly! He should try being the superhero that nobody knows about while someone else gets all the credit. F'ing ridiculous.
I wonder
Now that I’ve looked at the date on this thread, I’m wondering how your life has been since 2013. Are you even still with this man? How’s the relationship with your new baby and your family all together?