RESULTS OF THE PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCE
I went to the parent teacher conference this morning with my XH and his future wife. Let me start by saying thank you to all who responded, I really appreciate everyone's input and it really helped me look at the big picture. I did not say anything to my XH about her attending the conference. I thanked him for letting me know and decided I would see how today went.
First let me explain what the purpose of the conference was.
1. To see all of the progress he's made this year
2. To develop a plan for the summer so he doesn't lose the momentum
DS had some isues last school year. He had a teacher that was absent a lot. She thought he had a learning disability and tested him for everything under the sun and when it was found that he had no learning disorders and that maybe she could have made some minor adjustments to help him progress, it was the end of the year and too late.
XH's fiancee has a child younger than DS. Our kids do not go to the same school. My kids go to school in my town, her daughter goes to school in xtown.
Anyways, went to the conference this morning, I sat down, and she sat herself between XH and I. Teacher started to discuss DS. Fiancee was quiet for the first half of the conference. Then she opened her mouth.
Fiancee: Teacher, do you think that soon to be SS has a speech issue. I mean, he talks like a baby, he whines, I just think maybe speech classes would help. At OUR house, he just seems to talk like a baby, WE correct him at OUR house.
XH: Head down, looking at floor, not saying a word.
Teacher: Looking confused. He doesn't have those issues here at school. He doesn't whine, throw fits, or act like a baby. There are specific words he mis pronounces, which is normal for his age. Mom, didn't you say he was tested for several things last year?
ME: Yes, yes he was. He was tested for every learning disability and it was found that he had ..
Fiancee: Interrupts, well MY daughter reads at a 40+ level and I am just not used to these "issues" I'm just not sure how to deal with it.
ME: Fiancee, that's great that your daughter reads at such a high level, however, this conference is about DS. This is about developing a plan for DS to help him progress over the summer. Let's keep the focus positive and on what we can do to continue to help him. As I was saying before, He does not whine or act like a baby at MY house. Like teacher said, he has issues with a few words, and I correct those, just as I always have. I looked at XH, Head still down...
The rest of the conference was between Teacher and I. We agreed to a good plan to help DS. XH nodded in agreement and we left.
I got in my car, and cursed at my steering wheel. I was very frustrated that she came in there and basically insulted my child and my xh didn't say a damn thing.. as usual. He is so damn passive and it makes me wonder if he would stand up for DS if she insulted him to his face at THEIR home. I know I can only control what goes on in my home, and I will focus on helping him and staying positive in my home.
Thoughts?? How would you have reacted?
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Comments
I'm sure they are, I
I'm sure they are, I scheduled the conference and was nice and told XH about it... Don't know if I'll be so nice going forward. I do think he realized how inappropriate it was to bring her today. I really don't know though.
The thought of them having a conference and her insulting him, and xh not defending or giving all the info (I have always been the involved parent with school stuff) makes me ill. I almost feel like if she's going, it's going to be in the same conference I'm in so I know that teacher is getting the correct information.
I really have no. Idea. Was
I really have no. Idea. Was the fiancée trying to be a bitch or was she trying to be helpful in a really stupid/bad way?
Maybe she knows XH is passive so she is voicing complaints he voices at home but is too wimpy to address with the teacher?
I'm just playing devils advocate here, I really have no idea.
I'm not sure what her
I'm not sure what her intentions were with those comments. XH and I discuss our kids on a weekly basis. He has never mentioned DS being whiny or babyish.. That is something he would tell me. We actually spoke last week about the conference and he listed concerns. I know he told them to me because I would be the one to ask and discuss with teacher.
Sounds like ExH so passive
Sounds like ExH so passive that she is dealing with crap at home. If your DS is not whining with you and acting babyish, he's getting away with it at ex's house and she tires of it. NO she should not have brought it up at the conference, she should deal with that issue with him on her own time. ExH should have spoke up more.
I think you handled it well.
Thanks, my bottom lip is
Thanks, my bottom lip is chewed up, and my patience meter is empty, but I feel like I was the bigger person, and I'm good with that!
You handled it very well. I
You handled it very well.
I would have looked at her and asked if I could attend her kid's conference just so I could compare notes. }:)
Well, that didn't work. Separate conferences, or XH leaves sweetie-poo at home.
LOL, I had to bite my tongue
LOL, I had to bite my tongue but I did almost ask her what her advice was since her daughter was so advanced, I mean, she must have it all figured out right? I hate when people compare kids. Her daughter is from a previous marriage, it's not even XH'S. SHe is comparing two kids who are different sexes, ages, and have different parents... smart.
Even kids with the same bio
Even kids with the same bio parents and upbringing can be very different.
She should have been "seen and not heard" at that conference. I can't imagine every jumping in like that as a SM.
"She should have been "seen
"She should have been "seen and not heard" at that conference. I can't imagine every jumping in like that as a SM."
Very common thinking for an SMs role. I guess if BM is doing all the work for homework this makes perfect sense. My BM wasn't.
I remember being at a conference for SD. BM made the comment to the school counselor that she doesn't come to this part of town so she won't be going to many school functions or be a part of this school that SD will be going to.
Later that same night, I asked the school counselor if there was a pre-requ for adv physics. You would have thought I insulted BMs whole family. SO got reamed that I crossed a boundary asking anything during the conference.
I never went to another school function again. They can all go f*** themselves.
I was a SAHM and did all of
I was a SAHM and did all of SD's homework with her. I chaperoned on field trips, helped out in the classroom, etc. I did all of the "mom" stuff with SD at her school, even when we were non-custodial.
I would never have jumped in with BM there. It just wouldn't happen.
However, we did separate conferences and I spoke plenty at those. Some teachers were ok with it, others were not. I actually had one teacher (SD was in third grade, I can still remember it!) and I finally just looked at her and said,
"I'm not sure if you don't like me or don't like stepmoms in general. It doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that I work with SD on her homework. I help her with extra practice sheets. We do reading and worksheets over the summer so she doesn't lose ground. I am just as involved, if not more so, than her biological parents. I only want what is best for her." SD's dad just said "yep!" and that was that.
The teacher was a bitch to me all year.
That's nice of you. However,
That's nice of you. However, if I had to be the one to keep up with all of SDs academics, I don't think it was horrible to ask a question about pre-requs. I was there to learn. Especially when BM flat out stated to the school she wanted nothing to do with the school and acted like they were all beneath her.
The OP's post sounds like stepmom is dealing with some issues at home because of a lazy dad. She wanted to point it out to someone. No that wasn't appropriate, but I think it says something to OP. Dad isn't doing the work, SM is. Maybe she wants to take that up with ExH to get some spine and be more involved with his kid.
IMO- Now it is time that you
IMO-
Now it is time that you talk to your exh. You gave her the benifit of the doubt, and didn't put up a fuss when he told you she would be there. She proved you RIGHT, and overstepped her boundaries by insulting your child and turning the focus on her own daughter.
I think I would probably give him a call keeping in mind the following points:
1. You do respect their household and know that you have no control over what happens there
2. Your concern is your sons best interest and you trust that exh has a handle on making sure that son is respected in his own home.
3. Comparing children can be detrimental to their development, it is vital that both households (all adults involved) are supportive in the education plan you have all agreed on.
4. You will be requesting separate meetings in the future because you felt the focus was not on your son with her present and you would like to be able to speak freely about the issues at hand and not be distracted with the comparisons.
I am seriously struggling
I am seriously struggling with whether or not I should call him about this. I am going back and forth, and as I said, I am out of patience and understanding at this point, so if he is an ass, I may go off.
Yes, you should call him out
Yes, you should call him out and you should find out why he had so little to say and why SM is complaining at a school function. Their problems are not yours.
I think you handled that
I think you handled that well.
When I attend SS8 parent teacher conferences I keep my distance and try to use it as an opportunity to learn how my DH and I can best engage SS8 at home and how we can help SS8 with areas he finds difficult at school.
I would ask for separate conferences in the future so that you can focus on your DS.
I doubt he would ever request
I doubt he would ever request one. I think you are right, I'll handle the conferences from now on. No need for him or her to be there...
Good for you for shutting the
Good for you for shutting the SM down hard and early. Next time inform your XH that if she shows up at your conference you will ask that she be removed from the room until the conference is concluded so if he wants to be involved in joint conferences with you he needs to get his fiance under control. If he brings her than he can make a separate conference appointment.
If she ahd been constructive rather than disruptive then I have no problem with her being there or any other constructive parent (step or bio) being in PTCs.
I can go either way on Sparent envolvement in PTCs. I was at every one of my SS's PTCs for his entire school career. I am his dad. His mom and I have always been focused on his best interests and in supporting the teachers in their efforts to teach him.
If his SpermIdiot had showed up for one of my SS's PTCs I would have had him removed from the room since anytime he got envolved at all it was disruptive.
Sadly or fortunately I am not sure which, the DipShit never showed for any school related activities for my son (SS).
Good luck.