Solidity and lack thereof and the maddness it causes
So I've been here for a few weeks and I've just spent the past few hours reading up on the most recent posts... and realized that nothing in the world breaks my heart more than reading about the horror stories about BM manipulating the ex-stepparent for whatever boons she wants and using the child as a pawn.
I'm in no different boat. Time and time again, it's felt like the BM's using the child to either break apart our marriage or as a pawn to get stuff for us. After months of seeing this, I cracked and refused to play any role in the child's life.
What a 180 I pulled...
Once upon a time, I was willing to sue for custody with my DH, and in the event of his untimely demise I was planning on looking after the CS and whatever needs the SD had. Now things have changed. I just feel cold. If not just numb. My mind (and heart) can't come to terms with the notion and realization that I could easily lose her or be manipulated so easily and the BM knows it.
It's the simple fact of the reality... that I honestly cannot see myself changing this direction of thought. My own mind can't consolidate the entire feeling of being there for someone but having that person just ripped away from you because biologically you had no role. It's a feeling that all I'd be doing is burning myself, not only myself but my family, my career (again) and whatever children I may have.
Is it wrong that I'm more than content being little more than a shadow in the background?
For the longest time, I thought the most heartbreaking thing I had to deal with was getting up and leaving my home, my family, friends, career.... to become a SM. Then I felt my heart just become a complete mess of broken goo when the BM started causing all this drama. I know that some of you are probably reading this going "well I've been somewhere like that".
To be honest, I'm a little envious of those people. Atleast for them, they have their family around them to support their decisions, and a fall back plan... I have nothing. My family is over 2000 miles away. I have no job to strike it out on my own, and I also can't return home either without serious repercussions. My IL are upset with me because of this decision I've made to back out of the SM role. Not to mention I have certain feelings that his family may have disapproved of our marriage because I wasn't an american nor was I even "white" in any capacity. (Consequently our wedding saw a total of 8 guests... yeah, you heard me they all boycotted).
While ever minute I can't help but look over my shoulder to wonder if ICE is standing there ready to take me away, or ready to knock on my door.
I can't take it.
It's a feeling of lonliness that I can't describe. It's looking around and seeing people, but nobody looks like you... nobody else speaks the language that you do... (or at least the one you learned growing up). Not to mention the unintentionally snide questions of "what are you"... it feels insulting being asked "what are you".
- Sephiria's blog
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One in three people in the UK
One in three people in the UK are in a step family situation. I can only imagine that figure is the same if not more for the US. It's time we started investing in coping strategies so we can live in these situations. Sites like these prove there are thousands of us out there resigned to a life out of our control, full of hopelessness and desperation. We know every step parent will come to a point where they ask "Do I just need to get out?"
It wasn't that long ago I was sitting on my bathroom floor, my eyes puffy from crying and crying and crying. All I could think was "What have I done? I've destroyed my life. I have ruined my life..." Now I love my stepson when a few years ago I used to imagine the worst. I love my husband and I really like my life. Things are unimaginably better than I thought they ever would ever be. It has been a rough ride, and I nearly walked away twice, but we got to the core of issues - and you know what? They had nothing to do with my step child, or his mother, or any of the problems we blamed for our stress. It had everything to do with they way we dealt (or didn't deal) with those problems.
There are so many variables in step family situations that it becomes impossible to diagnose the actual problem. Every issue is solvable, but you need to actively seek the resolution. There is a difference between fighting for your marriage and suffering for it. I know that sounds presumptuous, and I'm certainly not belittling anyones problems, but if we resign ourselves to a life of sadness, thats all we are ever going to receive.
Right, I am leading my high horse back to his stable.
Delilah
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com - a positive guide to step parenting.
I BLEEPING hate this. We
I BLEEPING hate this.
We can't afford anything, or do anything about it. Thankfully the social worker who was assessing our case was nice and decided to NOT include his pay from the army as part of child support... because otherwise we'll be declaring bankruptcy. But unfortunately, we can't because the moment we do it'll screw up my immigration process.
It feels like a terrible circle. "We need money, yay we got paid... dang there goes the child support which is equal to our entire month's rent.... okay... that leaves us with... great... $100 for the entire month for groceries.... wahoo... so where shall we start cutting back? Maybe food? Maybe gas for work? How about not seeing the doctor or getting that toothache taken care of...."
I hate this.
I hate knowing that I gave up a really good job to be here to support my DH and the BM caused all this drama. I hate that I can`t go back home and my parents are thousands of miles away. I hate how I have to keep a smiling face, even though I do have friends here now (yay after almost a year)... they don`t know the burden that`s on me... `family` or inlaws think the worst of me.
My own parents have no advice to me other than `pray`. Seriously. `PRAYING` won`t help me, it can`t remove this guilt I feel or this loneliness. Everyone out here (not physically here but out in my real world) is busy complaining about their own problems or that we`re not spending enough time with the baby yadda yadda yadda.... or my personal favourite from GM was `you have to spend more time with her, she`s a baby she needs to know you!`
I cracked.
Who the HELL has the right to tell me I have to do that... I`m in BLEEPING limbo. I have no rights, only privileges which are consistently abused. Not to mention I left the life I had for this and the drama cracked me in half. I can`t function.
I can`t even make it by a single day without the thoughts of offing myself cross my mind.
I do but I don`t regret my life.
I just wished someone out here understood that even we`re sacrificing... and we`re sacrificing a lot. And it`s not about right or wrong, that went out the window long ago when the BM disappeared then came out of the blue to demand CS but no visitation. Right now it`s all about choosing between two evils.
Would you sacrifice a town to win the war.
Would you sacrifice a relationship with the child to save your sanity and to keep you from going off the deep end.
People here like to say `you knew what you were getting into` and all I can snap back with is `when I married, I made promises to be loyal and faithful to my husband. There was no SD at the time. As far as we knew, the BM was 8 months pregnant and living with the bf she was cheating with. So don`t judge me. Because you`ll never know how much it hurts.`
I read your recent blog and
I read your recent blog and then started reading the older ones to see what's going on in your situation.
Do you have a church where you currently live? Perhaps you should counsel with a priest in your new town. You need someway to unburden yourself. Your parents said pray and I think that's good advice for you because I read about how important your faith is to you. But I think you need a church family nearby to lean on is this desperate time you're having.
I kinda know how you feel,
I kinda know how you feel, though your situation sounds more extreme than mine - I knew about my stepkids, and my in-laws are supportive.
But the loneliness and the knowing-that-you-had-your-life-all-put-together-before-this can really make you crack.
All I can say is that it is insanely important to TAKE CARE of YOURSELF, especially when there's no one nearby (like your mom, or your best friend) who will take care of you when you're down and out.
Stay strong.
I miss my family. It`s
I miss my family.
It`s breaking me apart knowing that my mom washed her hands of me because I refused to come home and I chose to stay with my husband. My dad buckled stuff together and gifted me cash so I could finish this semester of school so atleast I`d finish school.
My own guilt is killing me. My dad used his emergency surgery money to send me to school. My mom begged me to come home and to finish university.
My inlaws and the family here aren`t supportive of the decision I`ve made. I`m an outsider. I don`t look like them, I don`t sound like them. I`m different.
I`m hardly the picture perfect image of what they were expecting for a D-i-L.
I`m not the cookie-cutter Christian girl they were expecting, infact I`m the opposite.
I hate using the *I* word, but I feel so TRAPPED. Friends and family are telling me to cut my loses. His family is expecting something along those lines so they`ve cut me out of everything. They don`t talk to me.
I love my DH, and I promised him the best I could give and to always act in his best interests.
I want what`s best for our family. The family that we were intending on having together. The career and future we were wanting.
Right now my deepest, darkest fantasies include figuring out ways to ensure that the BM doesn`t touch any of the cash I earn. Because we all know how CS loves to work, especially when you`re married... they don`t seem to care about whether or not the spouse is working but they do care if that spouse is making a certain income and will ding you for more CS (atleast in NC). The part that urks me off is incase of my untimely demise, the BM can and WILL take part of my life insurance and whatever money I leave for my DH.
Alright people... what on
Alright people... what on EARTH do CLB shoes have to do with anything??! That's not helping!
Okay, frankly I'm too pissed
Okay, frankly I'm too pissed off to deal with a random spammer hijacking MY thread in MY blog.
I'm already self-centered enough.