While surfing through the net, I managed to find the demons of depression... otherwise known as the disease which has been destroying my mind and my life. While I know I may be sounding rather wishy-washy about the topic, please believe me that it's taking every ounce of energy in me to fight away the pain so I can actually type without breaking down into tears.

Symptoms include:
*Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
*Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
>>> The only way I've been able to fight this off was to be physically force fed by my DH... otherwise if he doesn't feed me I just don't eat... I can go for days without eating without ever really noticing. At my lowest I weighed around 90 lbs, my current weight hovers between 110-115. Every week the DH takes me with him to the laundrymat and he puts me on the scale.
*Extreme difficulty concentrating
>>> I don't know what to do about this one, I'm doing my best... I feel so absant minded in my studies that I just can't focus.
*Fatigue and lack of energy
>>> Working on that one still.
*Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
>>> I just spend all day long either on my computer or curled up in bed knitting.
*Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and inappropriate guilt
>>> I grew up Catholic, I've already decided I'll live every day with an exorbitant amount of guilt.
*Inactivity and withdrawal from usual activities, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (such as sex)
>>> Sex is meh. It's not bad but I just don't enjoy it as I used to... it just feels like I'm going through the motions.
*Thoughts of death or suicide
>>> I fight that demon everyday. Nothing has stopped it... my dad told me to go to church, I went and felt even more depressed afterwards. For now my latest plan to keep myself from trying to kill myself is to wear a bunch of thick jade bracelets on my arms. So far it's working.
*Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping
>>> My sleep cycle isso messed up I don't know up from down.