NY Times on Former Step-relationships: When Branches Tangle in a Step-Family Tree
Forums:
Great article! How do you like this, for example:
.....In a recent study, Marilyn Coleman and Lawrence H. Ganong, professors at the University of Missouri, interviewed 29 people ages 18 to 32 who have former stepparents.
They found that relationships fell into three categories: “never claimed” (those who never embraced their stepparent as a family member), “unclaimed” (those who considered the stepparent to be a parent figure during the marriage, but not afterward) and “claimed” (those who continued to consider their ex-stepparent as a family member after the divorce)....
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/04/fashion/-step-family-trees-with-tangle...
Reading the comments to this
Reading the comments to this article, which are also fascinating. Here is one:
SM from NY writing:
"Relationships with stepchildren thrive when all parties HELP them thrive. My current in-laws made little attempt to include my then young sons. As a result, my sons now have little feeling for them. They adore their stepfather but never forged a bond with his son or his relatives.
Likewise, my husband's ex has had a **fatwa*** --not really--but she's bad-mouthed me nonstop on the net, to anyone who will listen and as a result, my stepson and I have a less than stellar connection. If my marriage were to end, so would our relationship, or lack thereof."
BM from Atlanta:
"My husband who now lives with his girlfriend would like to introduce her to my daughter, who is 40 and has children of her own. He is her step father and although they were close while growing up I am upset about this. My son who is his biological child met her and even though that made me uncomfortable I understood and accepted it,however, I have a hard time with this. My daughter says I need to let it go but I feel that my daughter and grandchildren are my family (I have no problem what so ever with my husband staying in contact with them) this woman really has no place in that part of my life.I would like to have something that does not include this woman..yes we are still married which may be part of it...but I don't want her in any other part of my life . Is there some form of step-parent etiquette that would preclude one from introducing the new girlfriend/wife to the step children? My husband so desperately wants everyone to accept her especially my daughter. I just feel jealous and mean about how I feel. Maybe after we are divorced which is not going to be for quite awhile per mutual agreement...maybe ...but this is hard. I would have had a difficult time meeting my step father's new girlfriend/wife if he had left me mother for someone else.I just keep thinking I don't feel she should be part of my life in this way..I want something in my life that does not include her..which would be my parents I guess if they were not already deceased. Am I being unreasonable?"
Guess what other readers said to that?
More comments, this one from
More comments, this one from a CA ex-SM on sitting with the BM at SS's wedding:
"I just attended my step-son's rehearsal dinner and wedding. I was married to his dad for 10 years, so my step-son and I have had a long relationship and we still love each other even though I divorced his dad over 10 years ago. At the reception, my step-son's mother and I happened to sit next to each other and we had the chance to talk. One of the people at the table asked if there was any awkwardness between us and we agreed that anything that might have been awkward was long gone and now, if anything, we had sympathy for each other! Really, how long can people hold on to negativity of any sort? Instead, I try to live in the day, be happy for all of life's blessing, look for the best in people and not be afraid to love. My step-son is a big part of my history and I cherish all my memories with him. That feeling didn't change when I divorced his dad. I'll be so glad when he has kids, because I'll be the step-grandma! And by the way, after a really acrimonious divorce and a few years of unpleasant communication with my ex-husband, he came up to talk to me at the reception, after not communicating for many years, and was very pleasant and even complimentary.
Time does heal all wounds, if you look for the healing instead of picking at the scabs."
Glad you like it, OD! Yes,
Glad you like it, OD! Yes, this one above made me think of you. Was the time invested in ungrateful skids wasted? I wish i knew the answer... i hope not.
The scenario you describe with 2 sets of parents competing to out-do each other is my worst nightmare. I try to avoid it with my bios. I may be overdoing it, as my 15yo BS told me recently
( when he needed a new phone, having lost the last one, an expensive one, and thinking it should be replaced immediately, whatever the cost), "SM is not like you. You don't give in. With her, if i beg for 20 minutes every day, she will give in." And he was right - she did, after he whined long enough. I did not. That's a wrong lesson to teach them. I do enough for them as it is.
Yes, i would take that SD
Yes, i would take that SD over my 3 skids any day. The NY Times website has such a nice range of
responses... i enjoyed most comments. It takes you out into the real world after being too long on Step Talk where typically we all have a more or less the same script.