When these kids have an idiot manipulative parent why don't they just unzip their fly and piss on the the idiot parent's leg?
I will make an assumption. Most of us were raised not to take crap from anyone. Most of us were also raised to respect our parents.
However, most of us would not take the crap that many of our skids take from the idiot parent in the blended family opposition.
If either of my parents treated the other as many Xs treat our spouses my brother and I would shut that shit down in a hurry. "Mom/Dad, I understand you are hurt and angry with Dad/Mom. However, that is my mother/father you are speaking of and I will not stand for it. Grow up, act like an adult, and move on with your life. If you continue to speak of my mother/father as you have, you risk loosing your relationship with me and your grandchildren."
Fortunately I have not had to live this nightmare. But, if I had I would deal with a toxic parent in alignment with how my parents raised me, confidently, directly, firmly and aggressively and as respectfully as their behavior warranted.
I wish my son (SS-18) would whip out his dick and wiz all over his SpermIdiot's leg and also douse SpermGrandMa's leg while he was at it.
Figuratively of course .... or literally which would be significantly more entertaining.
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I've always wondered the
I've always wondered the same....how come the kids can't see what's so obvious to everyone else (even other kids in the family?). It's because that's their mother. That sharing of DNA counts for a WHOLE lot...lol
i have to honestly say, i
i have to honestly say, i would've NEVER talked that way to my mom, i never told her when talking bad about my dad to hush...i do now! i'll be venting to her about my ex and she'll start on in with my dad, and sometimes i have to offer her my dad's number to get her to shut up...but i don't come out and say that.
i honestly would never stand for my skids or daughter talking bad about either parent or sparent
Hi there Rags. I don't think
Hi there Rags.
I don't think it's a feasible wish to hope that your SS pees on his dad.
Pyschologically speaking, we often are significantly tethered to our biological parents. It's why you see adopted children who have lived wonderful lives still seek out their birth parents.
My own father, I believe, suffers from a certain Narcissism that stunts him from forming true bonds and relationships along with a real knack for being pretty mean spirited. His role in my life was a very significant one even though his presence was not. It has shaped a lot of who I am along with a deep seeded hope/desire/wish to just be loved by him. It has been a very difficult journey accepting that he perhaps is just not capable of such a thing... and it has been an even more difficult journey learning that perhaps it doesn't mean I didn't necessarily deserve such a thing.
Your son has to find his own balance. His own path when it comes to whom you have deemed the SpermIdiot. Just because you see him for what he is, doesn't mean that your SS ever will. He gets to decide what kind of light he holds him in and what is going to allow him to find his own acceptance with a man who took part in his creation. You see it in a scientific light where I'm sure he does not. He is more than just sperm to him, you know?
He'll figure it out, you've gifted him so many tools... and more importantly a certain self worth. That's huge. Just give him some room (and time) to learn these hard lessons in life.
~CG
Colorado Girl, Thanks for
Colorado Girl,
Thanks for your response. Intellectually I know what you say is absolutely correct. Emotionally I could stand to see some leg wizzing.
He (SS) actually does understand and recognize that his SpermClan is hosed up beyond nearly any hope of recovery. But, as you pointed out is the case in your relationship with your father, they are his family; he loves them and wants nothing more than their acceptance and appreciation for him.
I guess that is what breaks my heart. They will likely never be able to give him what he needs from them. To them he will always be a spoiled, snooty brat. To my knowledge he has never said a word to them about how hurt he is by them and how disappointed in them he is. He goes and tries to enjoy himself with the time he has with them.
When he is at home with his mom and me he can be very difficult to deal with. I believe that he knows that even when he is being a punk that his mom and I will be there for him and help him work through his issues.
My desire for him to pee on his BioDad's leg was figurative .... mostly. }:)
Merry Christmas my friend.
Best regards.
My ss12 will step up and
My ss12 will step up and defend bm to dh even though dh isnt saying anything bad about her. If dh just makes an observation like, "oh, its already after 4pm-bm must be running late." or if ss talks about something he wants at bm's and dh says, "well, bm doesnt have a job" as an explanation of why she cant afford to buy him what he wants ss will begin screaming, "Stop talking about my mom!" put his hands over his ears and run screaming from the room.
My father died when I was 8
My father died when I was 8 years old. I glorified him in my head, thought my life would be a wonderful bed of roses if he was living, could not stand anything negative that was said about him. When I was 15 or 16 I found out how my father died... suicide.. which left me puzzled.. because I had glorified my Dad so much, I wondered how could anyone do that? So then from 15 to 20's I thought he was sad, misunderstood, missed my Dad at my first marriage, etc etc... as I started to become an adult..and even hear new stories today (almost 40 years old now).. I found out his suicide was a birthday present to my mother, that his plan was to kill my brother and I also (I do remember a policeman dropping us off at our house from school after my Dad died, but had no idea..just thought being in a police car was cool). I also found out he molested a cousin, and beat my mother to a pulp constantly...and that he was a heavy drinker. My mother was shocked that I didn't remember... she said don't you remember the times I would throw you and your brother out the door and tell you to run?... no.. so my thoughts.. I think we glorify our parents as a way to feel better about ourselves...even our skids... eventually though I think as we progress in age we come to see our parents for who they really are..good or bad..
"Mom/Dad, I understand you
"Mom/Dad, I understand you are hurt and angry with Dad/Mom. However, that is my mother/father you are speaking of and I will not stand for it. Grow up, act like an adult, and move on with your life. If you continue to speak of my mother/father as you have, you risk loosing your relationship with me and your grandchildren."
Rags, My oldest BD 26 has said this to her dad and her grandparents. So yay for her. And yay for me too.
She also posted this on my facebook the other day,
**GS7 had so much fun with you! I'm so glad he got to see you and I'm so glad that you know what putting your kids first means! I really appreciate you allowing dad not only at your house, but in your house to see GS7. I know your feelings re...garding that especially after the not so nice comment he made and w/o minimizing the severity of the comment including the background it comes from, I do want to point out that he did attempt an apology because I asked and because he appreciated your welcoming gesture to see GS7 as well. (it's a step in the right direction) Sincerity is the next step, but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the things you do to make the divorce a little easier on me and my kids. I love you!
Her dad and I have been divorced for 12 years and he still tries the PAS thing with her , She is just too smart to fall for it
Rags, You just hit on one of
Rags,
You just hit on one of the biggest issues I have with SD14.
There's a lot of reasons why SD14 won't stand up to BM.
1) Girls are taught practically from infancy to "be nice" and "get along."
2) You yourself have stressed the importance of a child respecting adults. In abusive cases, "respect" means rolling over and putting up with the abuser's crap.
3) There can only be one Drama Queen in a house - you've heard, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!" That's the household SD14 lives in. BM has verbally and emotionally beaten this girl down to the point where she will say or do ANYTHING to keep the peace.
4) No matter how badly BM treats SD14, the loyalty and love of a child for a parent remains - even though she is strongly conflicted.
We're hoping that once SD14 is 18 and out from under BM's thumb, she will grow a backbone. Even now she recognizes her mother's bullshit. I'm not too hopeful it will happen; it took me 4 years with an emotional abuser for me to wake up and start standing up for myself.
Trish, The balance between a
Trish,
The balance between a child treating a parent or other adult with respect and tolerating crap from that parent or adult is tenuous at best. I know my original rant conflicted with my historic perspective on children treating adults with respect. They absolutely should, however, not all parents or adults are deserving or respect.
An abusive or manipulative parent should void the respect issue. IMHO.
I know it is difficult for kids to learn the truth about their parents. No parent is perfect and even when good parents are found to be human by their children is it hard on the kid(s). It was for me when I realized my mom and dad were not as perfect as I always held them to be.
I hope your SD-14 gets past her conflicted state regarding her toxic BM soon. My SS finally did with BioDad but not until he was in his mid to late teens. He resigned himself to loving BioDad because he know he is supposed to love his father, but he is also resigned to not respecting his BioDad and BioDad being of little character or redeeming quality.
Rags, Your story is so
Rags,
Your story is so inspirational to me. I hope my 2 SSs (13 & 10) someday discover that their BM is not MOTY. It will be sad for them but it has the potential to be rip-the-bandaid-off-quickly kind of pain. We're on year 6 of her on again-off-again relationship with the skids and it's so painful for me to watch how hurt they get when she ditches them AGAIN for boyfriend of the month. They're so surprised every time it happens even though her absence is more regular than her presence. Of course I'm not completely altruistic. It would be nice too if those little turds occasionally realized how amazing their father (my DH) is for always being a constant in their life. He drives them to football practice every day but she shows up every now and again and tell them she's gonna buy them a pony! (Still waiting - 4 years). And if some of that gratitude could fall my way, that'd be nice. Luckily my skids are pretty good kids - I just wish they could see their BM for what she is. It'd probably save them from a lot of let-downs. But I have faith that they'll get there in their own time. I'm certainly not going to tell them what a POS their BM is. But I cling to the hope that someday I might get to tell her. Long after the skids are grown and out of the house and lead hopefully productive, stable lives of course.
Jen, My SS-18 did finally
Jen,
My SS-18 did finally recognize BioDad as the POS that he is. But, SS also feels guilty that his three younger half sibs by two other mothers have to deal constantly with the drama of the SpermIdiot and the shrieking of the Hag from Hell SpermGrandMa.
SS would have liked to have stopped visitation several years ago but kept going because "(he) wants to give his sibs a break". When SS is there, he is usually tasked as the baby sitter and also takes the brunt of the SpermIdiot and SpermGrandMa crap.
We have always told him that the best way he can help his half sibs is to set the example for them by doing his best and live a good life.
I am confident that he will eventually become a viable adult and man of standing in his community. His mom will kill him if he does not.