The thing is that they SAY they want us to treat them the same but in reality they really don't b/c if I treated mine the same they would all hate me!!! I hold my 2 up to certain expectations and of course the skids aren't. But I hear ya I truly understand and everyone else will too.Your dh needs to understand that. My dh understand whole heartily about that.

txcajunmom, of course you're not wrong (at least not in my opinion). I don't think it's impossible to love skids but I a woman will never truly be capable of loving their skids (as she loves her own). If she says she does, I'd have to question her honesty. Now clearly it is possible (such as in adoption), parents who adopt I'm sure they love the children that they've chosen. However, adoption is not in the same category as skids. I had an exbf who had 3kids (2 boys & 1 girl). At the time, I was childless & his daughter's mom was absent from her life (her whereabouts was unknown & the last time his daughter saw her mom she was 3 years of age). At any rate, his daughter was 10 years when I met her & she was beautiful (inside & out) a very mannerable, respectful child . . . everyone in my family loved her and unofficially adopted her into our family. I'm no longer with her father as that relationship did not work (her father was extremely financially irresponsible), however, I loved his daughter considerably & I always told her she was the daughter I never had. She's now nearing 27 years of age (wow, where does the time goes) and I'm married with an almost 3 year-old & one on the way, but I will always have love in my heart for her as if she were my child (it was just something about her way of being). I've said all this to say that I think it has a lot to do with how a spouse handles the situation as well as how mannerable, respectful, and loving the skids are. My dh has a daughter from hell & she's now 19-years-old & I do not like her at all. She's very disrespectful, her mouth needs to be washed out with bleach because she's so vulgar (as she's proudly a butch, dyke & apparently wants to be a man). She's never approved of dh's marriage to me & did everything possible to cause us to divorce (including her ghetto mom) . . . okay now having said this, do you kind of understand what I mean about loving the skids. I will never love my skids; I don't hate them by far but I will [never] love them as I love my own. With my very own offspring, I feel a love that I've never known prior to giving birth & I will never feel that way for my skids. I hope my writing makes sense, b/c I haven't proofread.

Let's face it....we can't love someone on command. What a different place the world would be if we could. If that were the case, chances are there would be no steparents.

Purpledaisies is exactly right-they really don't want us to love them as our own. What these dh's and bm's and skids reallly want is for us to give them all the privileges, caring, perks or being ours, but none of the discipline, rules, guidance. SS lived with us from ages 1-9. My dh worked out of town alot-he also spent 1 year in Iraq during that time in which ss continued to live with me. I cannot say I loved him exactly the same as my bios-but I felt it was just about as close as you could get. However, that all crashed and burned and I honestly don't love him at all now. I don't hate him but I also dont like him. I do care about him in the way that I care about any other human being and I would like him to be successful in life and I care about what happens to him in the sense that it affects dh, my kids, and my life. I wouldnt say that out loud to anyone because people would think I am wicked-but it's the truth.

Your DH is being unreasonable and needs to think about whether HE could love somebody elses half grown children as much as he loves his own, if they just arrived in his life one day. The bond between a parent and child is very special, and unconditional. It disrespects the importance of that relationship to suggest that someone else can walk in and easily replicate that bond and those feelings. To have a really loving relationship with SKids it has to be reciprocal - you can't love somebody who doesn't love you back to some degree. Does your DH insist that his children all love you as much as their mother? Does he want his children to love their step-dad (if there is one) as much as they love him? Because if not he's acting on a double standard he doesn't even understand.

He probably wants you to love them like your own to appease his own sense of guilt for the failure of his relationship with their mother: "Never mind children, I know things didn't work out with your mum but here's a new mother and don't worry everything will be as good as new because she will love you just as much as your real mum". It's like they want you to make up to the children for their mistakes and lay you out on the alter of divorce sacrifice. My DH did this for quite a while, he became irritable and resentful when I did not want to tirelessly do everything he or their mum would do for them, or when I did make an effort but then became resentful. This was partly beccause he could not comprehend being with a partner who didn't love his children as he did, and partly because subconsciously he did want me to fill some gap and make his home happy and child focussed to assuage his guilt over having left them.

Depending on the personalities involved, and how much support you get from your DH it is possible to love SKids, and for them to love you too. I mention support from DH because it's impossible to love people you resent, and resentment is inevitable unless DH is supportive and respectful of your feelings, and manages boundaries, chores etc so you don't end up feeling like an unpaid housekeeper. Personally I don't think the children want or need to be loved as much as they are by their parents and it can feel as odd to them as it does to you if that is forced. It can cause resentment if their feel their mother is being usurped by a newcomer, or discomfort if they are being pushed into a relationship they aren't ready for, or disrespect if they sense that you are making all the running.

For myself, I do love my SKids, and they love me, but I don't love them the same as I love my own 2 children with DH, and they don't love me the way they love their mum and dad, AND it has taken a long time to get to this point (7 years). I would describe it as conditional love. I do think it's important to create a loving, stable home where the children feel welcome and cared for, and if you're providing that then you're doing as much as can possibly be expected.

Ok. ready for a metaphor? The media, culture, etc. says that women are SUPPOSED to be rail thin, have big boobs, no wrinkles, perfect hair, nice butts, demure yet sexy, not gain weight while pregnant, be articulate but not overly opinionated... and thus real life women are found wanting. See where im going with this? PS I slammed my DH when he got angry at me for saying that kiddo is not my child. Slammed him. We got into a big argument. I didnt back down. It probably hurt his feelings a little. But I cant live up to that and i refuse to knowingly set myself up for failure.

Well..My exhusband had a son that lived with us since he was 2. So I practically raised him and loved him as my own. We divorced, but SS still comes around and he is grown now with is own family, lives nextdoor to my bd and works for me.

Now, my current hubby has 2 grown kids that I care about, but I don't love them as I do the one i raised. I will in time. I just haven't been part of their lives as long.

Love takes time and it also depends on how old the sk are when their become part of your life.