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SEPERATION PLANS

1day@atime's picture

Submitted by 1day@atime on Tue, 06/01/2010 - 10:57pm

I'm planning to move out when my SS10 comes back from his Mom's at the end of the summer. I just can't stand him any longer. I told my husband about it, he'll go along with it but he's not happy about it. My husband and I have a 3 year old son and another son on the way in a couple months . It's so sad it's come to this but I'm not the Mommy my son deserves when I'm miserable all the time and me and my husband always fighting. I love my husband very much despite everything and our differences and I will miss his companionship. I'm hoping it will end well, with us fixing things and coming back together. But as long as SS10 is around and is the person he is now, I just don't see how it can be a happy ending.

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1day@atime's picture

Submitted by 1day@atime on Tue, 06/01/2010 - 11:18pm

We tried that. Husband quit. Said we were wasting our money because they told us what we already knew. Just had to put it into action. Now I'm scheduled for individual counseling. If my husband wants to join, that's great. But until everything is solved, I need to remove myself from SS. He makes my skin crawl. I have great intuition about phony people. I have had a feeling about every "friend" or person that has screwed my husband over. One of them was his best friend of ten years when I came into the picture. Husband didn't see it, but I did. And what do you know, he proved to be no friend at all. I can't live with someone like that. I can't do anything to change SS and he will always be there so I guess that's it. I lose my husband and my sons lose a chance to be one big family. SS gets his Dad and gets to continue to be spoiled. I want no part of it.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Wed, 06/02/2010 - 12:45am

I am so sorry...I always feel that one destroyed family shouldn't be allowed to destroy another one...seems that's the intent in many cases...at the same time, I have to tell you that sometimes I wish I would've walked even when I did have my son...I'm a bit at a loss right now too...had I moved on when he was 3, I would have tons of money in my bank account still, he'd have an amazing life and all that comes with that...vs. now I have nothing left thanks to my husband and his pathetic past...it seems that it will never be over, and even when it is, we've lost so much because of it that making it up will take many more years...heck, it took me 19 to get to where I was at and 11 to lose it all...so I don't know I can wait another 19, especially when now I have more expenses, it will take even longer...I don't know...

I just wish you the best...you are a brave woman for moving on...I think many of us should've done it years ago too...

Wicked.Witchy.Woman's picture

Submitted by Wicked.Witchy.Woman on Wed, 06/02/2010 - 6:23am

I actually did move out this same time last year. I was only gone for 4days before dh and ss12 at the time both called me and apologized, more from ss. Ss realized how miserable dh was without me, and knowing dh, he made ss's life a living hell while I was gone. I waited a few more days and then went home. Things have been much better since that time. However ss is now starting that teenage attitude, which is a whole other set of issues, but the step parent issues are done, mostly.

flowerchild_73's picture

Submitted by flowerchild_73 on Wed, 06/02/2010 - 7:04am

I think you are on the right track with going to individual conseling, even though I bet I can tell you none of this is your fault! But kudos to you for trying! My H and I almost went through a seperation because of the last incident with the SD, but I am going to try it again since she moved out..good luck to you:)

mommylove's picture

Submitted by mommylove on Wed, 06/02/2010 - 8:59am

I'm at this point myself, but am realizing that it's harder than it seems. It one thing to decide it's over, but quite another to follow-through. Please update us and let us know how this goes, as some of us may not be far behind...

Milomom's picture

Submitted by Milomom on Wed, 06/02/2010 - 9:24am

1day@atime, I'm so sorry to read this & for what you are going through, especially being pregnant right now.

I don't really know if I have any constructive advice for you right now because I don't know that much of the background of why this is happening in your life. How long have you been married to DH? How long has he been divorced from BM? Has he always been a "guilty Daddy" in the past which has resulted in how SS10 is? Sorry, I would need more info. to try to help you.

I did want you to know that you are SOOOO not alone when it comes to your SS10. I could have written your post about my SS12. It's weird, too, because SS was 6 when I met my BF & he was SOOO sweet back then. A cute little mini version of my BF, even down to the same haircut. ADORABLE!!

Fast forward 6 years of me taking the "high road" ALL.THE.TIME. with all that is BM & her being the most entitled, lazy, dependent, major PASinator woman in history. SS12 has always been "brainwashed" by BM, it seems, that he is growing up to be just like her. She is fake, she tries to act like she is above everyone else, she uses people CONSTANTLY to get what she wants, she is selfish, always plays the martyr - and her son falls for it all, hook, line and sinker and he's growing up to have a personality JUST.LIKE.HERS.

He calls everyone around him that doesn't kiss his ass "ANNOYING", he is starting to not care about getting bad grades (his mom didn't even graduate high school & dropped out pregnant at 17, so she certainly doesn't hold him to the highest of standards, if you know what I mean). He backstabs his "friends" all the time - he acts like they are friends to their face, but then talks crap about them when with others that don't like that boy. He is a MAJOR MOMMA'S BOY!! His mom calls him EVERY DAY, sometimes several times a day (or texts him) on his cell - and he'll sit there & have a 5 min. conversation like "I love you, too. I miss you, too. Mwah, mwah, mwah (kiss sounds), OK, I miss you, too, etc..." and this goes on & on every day!!

Certainly, the most ANNOYING trait about SS12 here is that, for 6 years now, he has always been BM's "spy" - he's literally like a canary!! It is so hard to have ANY privacy or do ANYTHING around him, because he'll be the "news reporter" back to BM! AAAHHHH! Also, if he is told "NO" to something he wants to do (whether by BF or by me, but usually by BF b/c I have proudly disengaged from skids for about 1-2 years now), he goes stomping into his room, slams the door and proceeds to IMMEDIATELY CALL BM to "rat us out". Even down to one time when I was trying to help him do his homework - it required him to READ HIS NOTES AND SOME CONTENT IN HIS TEXTBOOK, which he was too LAZY to do. He kept asking me to just GIVE HIM THE ANSWER (lazy, JUST.LIKE.HIS.MOTHER) and I wouldn't do it. So he said he was going to call BM & get the answer from her and I told him not to call her, but to TRY to find the answer himself first. What does he do? Takes his cell phone & calls BM RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME as I'm telling him not to call her, then proceeds to say to BM on the phone "Milomom told me I'm not allowed to call you, but will you help me with my homework?".

I was LIVID and lucky for me, my BF happened to have overheard the whole conversation b/w SS12 & I and immediately took the phone from SS & told BM that SS was told to TRY to find the answers himself FIRST and that he was just being lazy by calling her - and that Milomom wasn't "prohibiting" him from calling her, like he SAID I was!

Grrrr....you are SO not alone, I just wanted you to know that.

We are all here for you - keep us posted on whatever route you decide to take. I wish you the best.

bioandstep2009's picture

Submitted by bioandstep2009 on Wed, 06/02/2010 - 11:39am

"SS12 has always been "brainwashed" by BM, it seems, that he is growing up to be just like her. She is fake, she tries to act like she is above everyone else, she uses people CONSTANTLY to get what she wants, she is selfish, always plays the martyr - and her son falls for it all, hook, line and sinker and he's growing up to have a personality JUST.LIKE.HERS."

Wow, this sounds like my SS10. He definitely drinks BM's Koolaid and it's so infuriating to watch, when EVERYONE else sees her for the loser/deadbeat mom that she is. I do ALL the hard work but everything about "Mommy" is so cool. I've known him for 3 years and I can see that he's turning into his mother more and more. Materialistic, shallow, money money money, how to get people to do stuff FOR you, how to get the most of out life without putting forth ANY effort etc. Sad....

1day@atime's picture

Submitted by 1day@atime on Wed, 06/02/2010 - 3:07pm

DH and I have been together for 5 years (since SS was 5). Our situations sound eerily similar. He was super sweet when I first met him. Come to find out that's what he does. He charms people he doesn't know. Once you've established a relationship he's a exactly the opposite of charming. He ALSO is the worst friend ever. Even DH recognizes this. He has stabbed so many friends in the back. I've tried to step in to teach him how to be LOYAL to a friend, but it doesen't seem important to him. All that seems important to him is HIMSELF. NOONE else. He also doesn't care about school. He doesn't even flinch with a bad grade. He'll make the same "mistakes" over and over without the slightest hint of being humble or ashamed. The only time I see him cry is tears of anger . . . when he gets called out for bad behavior or punished. Despite all efforts to welcome his thoughts, he has never told me any negative feelings he has towards me. But he's said it behind my back to my husband and his BM. Just like with his friends. TWO-FACED. The problem is it doesn't seem to bother my husband as much. And when he does recognize the bad behavior, my husband seems to think he'll "grow out of it". Not unless Daddy steps in! Hello, the most influential person in a child's life is the same sex parent! I swear he needs to watch more Dr. Phil. LOL.

And yes, he's stretched the truth and lied about things. I too, have to tell him to READ the questions carefully before asking me to help him. Because he is so lazy it's always something as simple as that. He told his mother that I yell at him if he doesn't get his homework right. PLEASE. I don't yell. And I tell him to actually spend time reading the questions before asking me to help him. If he actually tried hard and came home with C's, I would be happy. But he wastes everyone's time asking questions that he only finds out later. Oh, I didn't see that there. He doesn't study for tests and what do you know, he does terribly. He also lies almost every day about something. Stupid things. Big things. Doesn't matter. He has no guilt. I swear this kid has no empathy or conscious. Sounds like a sociopath in the making . . .

Anyway, after 5 years of the same old crap, I'm sick of it. I'm not trying to divorce my husband but I'm attempting to save it. I need to get away from all of this that makes my blood boil and my spirit defeated. I'm hoping to find some strength within myself. I'm hoping my husband will wake up when I'm gone. I'm just HOPING a lot. But at least I'll be doing it around people I care about and I don't have to worry about my SS sucking all the positive out of me.