My DH's ex is total white trash, so it isn't so much the skank level as it is that it's just sad, and yet so funny at the same time. Like, a white top with a cut-out back worn with a black bra (naturally you can see the bra clearly through the cut-out back, as well as through the shirt generally). Plus short shorts, only she has serious chicken legs and a concave butt, so they just sort of hang there. She's so gross and tragic. It's too bad we can't make fun of her in front of the SKids, they're too old and will probably tattle tale on us because that's their favorite past time (not like I care because I'm begging for a fight with her anyway).

BM wears baggy sweats and a tshirt with NO BRA!!! DFH says he can't tell, but with those big floppy things, its hard to miss! I just want to yell at her "He's not family anymore! When he picks up the kids, he's company? Put on your over the shoulder boulder holder!"

Well she has an interesting sense of fashion that includes basketball shorts, big-ass t-shirt, her hair all crazy, like she couldn't find the definition of a "comb" in google. And the ugliest flip flops/sandals you could ever imagine. You know, those that you see at the shoe store and wonder who the hell would like them? Well, SHE DOES. Let's say that I'm a forever21, Zara, H&M, type of girl and she is not. She probably shops at the boutique between "N0-Class road" and "don't-you-ever-wear-that-again" Boulevard. They have the latest selection of tomboyesque apparel.

Hilarious! Thanks for the laughs guys.

I don't think my BM really changes anything clothes-wise just for picking up or dropping the skids off, but there are occasions where she has obviously put in tragically misguided efforts to look better than awful (I guess). She just gave herself a mega-lesbian haircut (and I am very pro-gay rights btw and have tons of gay friends) and looks worse than ever. She normally dresses like a blind, sloppy hippie and has a giant fat ass and saggy boobs with tattoos all over them! For a while she creepily seemed to be copying my style, but I am fairly tiny and thin and rock the small boobs (not saggy, thank the good Lord!) and she can't really pull off the clothes I wear. I have gained weight this year (on purpose and with great effort) and I finally have a butt!! I used to make DH wince when I plopped my bony butt on his lap, but now he insists on doing daily "booty tests" to check out my bum progress. I'm no Jennifer Lopez, but I finally have an ass and have been happily shopping for jeans and skirts that show it off. I am a very low key dresser and care about looking clean, neat and classy and in summer I usually wear pretty sun dresses or cute shorts with flattering tops. For makeup I go for a natural look and when I want to dress up I just add smoky eyes and lipstick and i'm good to go. I am very low maintenance, but I do care about looking nice for myself and for DH. BM on the other hand made no effort when she was with H and i've seen pictures of her from the past all the way to high school and she was always a total dog and dressed like one. The pictures of her in my in laws house are hilarious! They have taken down most of them and replaced them with recent pictures with me included, but the few that are left are hilariously awful. DH's whole family is really nice and good looking and of course were all dressed up for the picture and then there in the middle is BM with her nasty, bucked, crooked teeth, bulging eyes and frizzy hair wearing tacky acrylic sweaters and mom jeans. It's so bad that if I didn't hate her guts I would feel really sorry for her.

Now, she usually wears giant mom pants that show off her huge, yet totally flat ass. She has tree trunk legs and weirdly enough they kind of mush into her butt and it's like this big wide flat thing with trunks growing downwards. She has Ms. Chokesondick (South Park Fans know what i'm talking about) boobs and fortunately she appears to wear a bra, although it appears that no bra of hers can overcome the powers of gravity. For a while a few months ago when she was trolling for a man actively (she seems to have given up now) she wore whorish clothes that showed off way, way, way too much flabby, saggy skin (I never knew that bicep flaps can have wrinkles). When she thinks that she and DH will be in the same place without me there, she goes "all out" and it's hilarious to see her face fall when she sees DH walk in holding my hand or with his hand lovingly on the small of my back.

When she "dresses up" she smears heavy taupe eye shadow on her eyelids and doesn't blend it at all. She wears clumpy mascara that smears and leaves little black dots around her eyes, which are pale blue and bulgy. She puts a smear of unblended blush in a stripe on her imaginary cheekbones (her face is round, fat and if she has cheekbones, they are well hidden) and puts lipstick on her small chapped lips and the lipstick catches on the dried skin and looks revolting. Her makeup looks so, so bad and makes her look even worse than no makeup at all. Her hair is either greasy with too much gel or frizzy and dry and always disheveled. She slumps her shoulders to the point that she almost has a hunchback and she walks with her head forward and stomps her feet and looks like a fat, low self-esteem fashion victim.

Things are sucking for her so badly right now that I have never seen her so low. Her disastrous haircut and recent weight gain (from fat to fatter) and screwing up so badly in every area of her life seem to be having even more of an effect on her appearance. She appears to be making the barest minimum effort and looks like the walking dead. She is also so upset and scared because she has done such awful things to the skids that have made us getting custody a sure thing and she knows she is a big fat walking failure as a person and a mother. She seems scared to even let us see her, which is a refreshing change from her fake bitchiness when things are going her way. Last time DH dropped off the skids, she peeked out the door to see if I was in the car and didn't want to come out on her porch to talk to H, but he had something important to tell her and she had to and I watched as she stood there looking scared with her head down, not even able to make eye contact with DH!!! He got in the car laughing because she was so freaked out she was stuttering and could barely get her words out. Serves the bitch right. In case anyone reading this thinks we are evil people who enjoy watching other people suffer, that's not actually the case. With anyone else, I would be filled with compassion and do everything I could to help out, but she is such an evil person and is so destructive towards her kids that she will get no compassion from me, even if she did ask for my forgiveness (or ask the skids forgiveness for that matter). We just found out that she stole 400.00 from SS12's savings account that was from birthday and christmas money from when he was about five!! I can't wait 'til she has to explain herself to him! DH confronted her about it and she said, "well the money is gone and there is nothing I can do about it" !!!!!! Uh, not stealing from your own children IS something you can help! Grrr. Fortunately we have a private savings account in both the skids names that she has no access to and any money they get when they're with us goes in there and the money will be waiting there, gaining interest, for them when they want it. BM's fat, greedy, thieving fingers won't be able to touch it, thank God. Anyway, I am going off topic, yet again. But basically, my BM looks like shit all the time and it gets hilarious when she makes an effort to look good.
She was recently dumped, recently chopped off her hair and has been wearing shapeless frumpy clothes (I suspect they are the only thing she can fit it) and making no effort to look decent. Bleh.

Well, thanks for the laughs, I love reading your descriptions! This brought out my angry, bitchy side, so bear with me if my description is more bitchy than funny!

Some back ground on my Skids SpermIdiot. He has race envy and would give anything to be of African decent. He is as white as white can get but tells people that his mother is black. She looks like Aunt Bee for God sake.

I am good with any and all races but come on ........ there are some things you just can't change and being white (or black) is one of them.

His efforts to be black have all four of his out-of-wedlock children by three different mothers cringing any time they see him. And the youngest two are bi-racial.

This guy is a 40yo white guy that looks like Opy Cunningham wears pants half way down his legs, has his hair done with these golf ball sized puffs of hair tightly wound at the base with rubber bands and pretty much looks and acts like an idiot.

The last time we were in court over Custody/Visitation/Support he wore some shiny metallic zoot suit looking thing, puff ball hair and a very scraggly looking goatee. The judge spent the last half an hour of the hearing humiliating the SpermIdiot for disrespecting the court with his get up.

His efforts at being black come off like a bad blend of Steve Erkil and Vanilla Ice.

You can't fix stupid. Even if we would want to in order to protect our Skids from the misfortune of their gene pool.

Best regards,

BM usually has on a man's tshirt and yoga pants from Walmart. I'm an average size woman, and I do not like to make fun of people's weight at all, except when it comes to BM. She has a body like a really gross man. She has a big floppy gut that even a man's tshirt clings too. She's sooooo gross! She has huge hands and feet too. She loves to shop, but she has the tackiest taste and buys the cheapest crap I have ever seen! I actually AM cheap, but I buy nice stuff on sale, garage sales, ebay whatever. She wears the cheapest nasty shoes and carries a big knockoff purse.

My mother in law once said that she knew when BM started having affairs b/c she started wearing tanktops and skirts all the time. My MIL is super nice, so it was funny when she said, "Can you imagine BM in a tanktop! My god! I thought I would die."

80 dollar jeans? BM over her wears $400+ jeans. Always has one of her designer handbags. I knew nothing of purses until I started noticing her big ugly things and wondering how much they cost, around $1200! Fake hair! Yes, poorly, poorly put in extensions. She goes from a short boy haircut, and not in the cute way either, to super long blond hair that don't match the "natural" color - whatever that may be. Her hair changes color like the 'horse of a different color' from the wizard of oz. she's always done up in whatever the latest, designer trend it. designer jewelry, bleck! thongs hanging out of the back of her pants. barf! one time it was like this little peacock feather sticking up out of her ass crack. OMG. I'm gonna barf just thinking about it. and. honestly, i've seen her wear exactly the same thing listed in fashion mags, exactly. i didn't think anyone actually went out and bought the exact outfit. first, because it's so expensive, and second, because that's totally lame.

another gem from the kids. when she is tired to cook after a day of getting her nails and hair done, she takes the kids to rainforest cafe for dinner. oh, and the make up, caked on. and, as scary as her done up face is, i saw her one morning without make up and the image still gives me nightmares. lately, she's been really into scarves, i guess that's the hottest thing right now. always in heels. for the kids jog-a-thon at school she shows up in some designer workout clothes, make up completely done, hair completely done, jewelry, fake nails, and of course, with her 8 month old baby in work out gear in the jogging stroller. no, the parents weren't participating with the kids, just volunteering. hmm, what else? she is remarried but doesn't always wear her wedding ring. and, yeah, she doesn't work and has a new baby with the guy.

the same one she claimed was verbally and emotionally abusive to her and feared he would become physically abusive to her and the kids, which is why she was trying to get full custody and take the kids out of country. yup, they have a baby now. and apparently financial problems. go figure! $90,000 car? On lease? plus a $35,000 car? plus $3500 a month for rent? wow! spending the way she does? can't imagine the problem. how do we know there is a problem, because she tells us, when she asks for money! and, from sd10 (who is too dumb to know better than to repeat this stuff): "Mom and Stepdad were fighting because Stepdad wouldn't let Mom use his credit cards and mom didn't have any more money on hers." From sd (now 12, but said when she was younger): "Mom uses cash to buy new clothes and shoes because she knows how much money she has to spend on that stuff and then when she doesn't have any more cash, she uses her credit cards to buy food" Great financial advice. also, i think she is now on an allowance. i think she gets a certain amount of cash for a specific time period and that's it because she can't pay for anything by credit card or check. Like, we have to pay for some of the kids classes by credit card or check and she said that she needed to get a check from her husband. then, for a class field trip, she wanted to give us cash and have us write a check because she couldn't ask her husband for anymore money that week. the kids have also said that they need to wait until next week to get stuff because mom needs to save some of her 'weekly cash' in order to make a big purchase. the guy she's with must be the biggest sucker in the world because when the got together she had $30,000 in credit card debt that he (or his rich parents) paid off because she had to in order to make it look like she didn't have a spending problem to the court. also, she has used up her retirement and part of the kids educational account that she was able to get to without my husband's signature. she said it was for educational uses that she took $4k to buy back to school clothes and supplies.

she actually forced my stepdaughter to get a dress that SD didn't like because it was a 'better label' than the one SD liked. They got in a big argument over the phone on monday when bm told sd that she had been out shopping all day and got her shoes to go with the dress. no concern for what sd12 actually wants to wear to her graduation. not even any concern for what she can wear. as sd asked for a cardigan since it might be chilly at 9 am and she isn't allowed to wear spaghetti straps at school. bm freaked over sd asking for cardigan and sd said that she told her she wasn't allowed to wear that dress when she first bought it.

but, the best is what she wore to court. a see-through, low cut white blouse (lucky she had nothing to actually look at in there), and 5 inch, platform, stiletto, open back, patent leather black sandals. I shit you not. I saw the look the judge gave her. Especially when she stood up and talked back to the judge, saying that she missed the court ordered mediation because dh did not remind her of it. judge told her to sit down, shut up and that she wasn't his responsibility anymore and that she was in big trouble for missing it.

also, no boobs, no ass, scrawny arms and legs, no facial structure, no chin, no cheeks (not even with the absurd amount of blush she wears to make it look like she has cheeks), but she does have a neck, yes, a neck, big in front, big in back. and, i've seen her mother. the future does not look bright. bleck. i think i'm gonna be sick now.