BM was beat up, causing all of my SS actions...
My boyfriend and I just found out that his ex-wife was beaten up by an old boyfriend last fall. My SS never said anything about bruises on Mommy but it sure explains why he doesn't like sleeping at our house now, he is worried about her. Shouldn't we have known when this happened to help SS deal with his emotions over seeing his Mom all bruised????
Another thing...it is SS bday this weekend, and it is our weekend to have him. A month ago we rec'd an email stating that BM is keeping him for the whole weekend and said not to bother picking him up at all. Never offered/asked to switch weekends, never asked if she could have some time with him on his bday just tells us what is happening. We have a court order saying it's our weekend...what should we do...??? Do we have any rights????
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I guess it would depend on
I guess it would depend on how far you want to take this incident. I would protest profusely and make sure she knows that she's in contempt but allow her to take it. Then document everything and if it continues, file contempt against her. Or you could threaten to file contempt if she does withhold visitation and see what happens.
The abuse issue is sticky. In a perfect world, yes you should have known but battered women don't usually admit that they're battered to themselves, let alone someone else. Do you have a decent enough relationship with her to talk about it and the effect on SS?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I would certainly have BF
I would certainly have BF let BM know that if she does not allow him his court-ordered visitation, he will pursue contempt charges. You mention SS doesn't like sleeping at your house now. Has he been coming for visitation on a regular basis anyway, or has he not been spending the night? If it is an ongoing problem, I would definitely encourage BF to go ahead and take it to court. Take any documention of missed visitation, phone conversations, reasons, etc. It's understandable that SS would be concerned about his mother after what happened, however it's not healthy for him to feel responsible for staying by her side to keep her safe. I don't know if BM is telling SS she needs him or feels safer when he's there with her, or maybe it's just a feeling he instilled himself. Either way, it's not his responsibility, and she needs to let him know that.
I would also have BF discuss the abuse with BM. I wouldn't point fingers at her necessarily, as it is difficult for any woman to admit it when it happens. She does need to be made aware, however, that it has an effect on SS and that SS needs to feel like he can discuss his concerns with either of his parents. Clearly it's bothering him, and having had it bother him for so long, perhaps him seeing a counselor would be helpful to him...to help him cope and understand.
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That is the problem...I
That is the problem...I don't care if SS comes over or not, but I can see it hurts my boyfriend. He is so close to walking away and not dealing with this anymore but I keep telling him that SS needs us in his life, he needs some sense of normalcy and his Mother won't provide that for him.
BM hates me, is completely threatened by me so we could never have a rational conversation unfortuately. I don't think the BM's ex is around anymore at all, which is a very good thing for SS.
You're absolutely right. SS
You're absolutely right. SS does need you in his life. No child should have to grow up not being able to feel love and share his life with BOTH of his parents. I really hope your BF will make every effort to stay in SS's life. He'd be doing SS a huge disservice to walk away from it.
Hey there "WantNoSkids". I
Hey there "WantNoSkids". I hear what you are saying and I am starting the whole attitude now of leaving most of the decisions regarding my BF's son to him and trying to stay out of it. I will only 'get involved' when it directly affects me or my BD.
I also know he loves his son and would regret not being there for him, he is taking his frustration out on his son when it should be towards his ex. He takes the rejection he feels he is getting from his son personally, I keep telling him that BM is manipulating their son to make him feel this way on purpose. BM would love it if my BF walked away from their son, she wants him all to herself, as long as he continues paying that is... Kids need both parents as much as possible, BM makes it so very hard at times and is very influential on SS. My SS is the kind of child who won't talk and when asked about Mommy's bruises he just answers that was a long time ago and then shuts down. SO it appears he is a happy child and not suffering any long term effects but I don't see how a child can't be drastically affected by seeing their Mother all bruised. There is no reasonable communication with BM, she is angry and bitter and can't see past her own face for the benefit of their child. It's all about her. You cannot reason with someone like that, it's impossible.
The bday weekend has been
The bday weekend has been resolved, not without heartache all around though. WHen my BF picked up SS yesterday he was told that SS's bday party had to be moved to next weekend because it was Daddy's weekend. After some mild drama between BF and his son, it was decided that half the weekend would be spent with each parent. A reasonable split but if BM had asked if this could be done in the first place instead of just taking the weekend away from BF without compromising a whole lot of crap could ahve been avoided. Now BF is feeling hurt that SS picked BM over him for the weekend, he's pissed at BM for putting SS in the middle of everything once again and BF feels like I am going to leave one day becase his ex is so impossible to deal with. argh!!!!!!!
If SS shuts down when asked
If SS shuts down when asked about what happened, he clearly is still suffering from it. He may help & guidance to get over it.
It sounds like maybe BM is feeding off of SS's initial fear and PAS-ing off of that so he won't want to leave her to spend time with his dad. Maybe she's making him feel like she needs him with her to feel safe...so no one can hurt her again. If that's the case, BM is putting adult responsibilities on her child and it's wrong.
If BM refuses to discuss it with your BF, I would see about approaching it through court: 1) to see that your BF can continue to build his relationship with his son & 2)to ensure his son gets the help he needs to cope with the battery and bruises he has witnessed.
I agree, SS needs help in
I agree, SS needs help in dealing with what he has seen. Unfortunately for him he also saw first hand his own Mother attacking his Father and me about 2.5 years ago. And he knew his Mother was arrested and jailed for beating up the same guy who ended up beating her up! (She beat him up and was jailed 1.5 years ago for assaulting him, then last fall he beat her up) We now have a restraining order against her....this poor kid has been through the wringer emotionally and he won't open up, my BF took him to counselling after the first violence took place and he just freaked out, wouldn't talk, so protective of BM. I am sure she tells him to never talk about this stuff for fear of her getting into trouble again. I just don't know what to do to help this kid. She manipulates, controls and scares him into silence.
If that's the case...BM
If that's the case...BM telling him not to talk about it, he needs help even more. I think I still would maybe push to get him into court-ordered counseling. As he learns to trust a counselor and understands he can confide in them, he will open up. It will probably take time, but he will. With the violence he's witnessed and his mother being involved in all of it, there's a chance your BF could have the custody order changed. If you have police reports and the restraining order, I would think that would be plenty to prove her angry violent temper.