SO.OVER.IT.ALL.
Hi, I just found this site --- and wish I found it 5+ years ago!! I have been living with the DRAMA of a BM for a long time. I have gone through jealousy, obsession, hatred, disgust, disinterest, and just wishing she would GO AWAY. This week end ended in an incident where her fiance threatened to "Knock you both out - I don't care." -- referring to my DH and me --- while I was with my DH's and my 4 year old, and my DH was holding our 2 year old. They are classless, and BM stands right next to her man, doing nothing --- while 9 year old ss watches, and then has the NERVE to text ME for hours saying how I have caused so many problems between her son and his father, etc... but her man THREATENING US, THROWING A LACROSSE STICK on the ground and making a scene big enough for teh doorman to contemplate calling 911 is fine. It makes me sick. The whole thing. I just feel a tightness in my stomach since this happened --- 2 days ago. The f*cked up thing? I get more upset than anyone else, my DH ignores her, says "she's crazy, her man belongs in a zoo", tells to not respond, not engage, etc., and I just feel so damn angry and resentful.
I read someone's blog a few minutes ago that really helped me --- it is not MY responsibility to make sure that the visitation is upheld, that she doesn't block visits, that he doesn't go 8 months without seeing us, talking to us, or his 2 little brothers. I just hate that my DH's dysfunctional relationship with his ex filters into my family life --- something that I want to protect MY kids from. I don't want my kids seeing some thug threatening their mother and father... our house is pretty stable, happy, and relatively normal, and I am PISSED that she and her DRAMA and IGNORANCE seep into my family life... I am so over it.
- JustLeicaGirl's blog
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Thank you for responding, I
Thank you for responding, I swear, I am so depressed over this cr*p that just your response helps so much... to know that I am not alone. I've been on other parenting message boards --- full of mothers (of which I am one) and it is AMAZING how 1st wives DEMONIZE wife#2, and stepmothers. I do love my ss, and I want what's best for him AND our family... but I feel so betrayed by him, and I KNOW intellectually I shouldn't --- he's 11, and God... living with that MAN!! Which is pretty scary also... but I am knee deep in this stuff, and after all is said and done, he is NOT my son, and I did NOT cause his hardship. In fact, my husband didn't either --- his mother had countless affairs during their 10 year on and off marriage. Her fiance once had some sort of crazy issue with her and wrote us a 2 pager about how she's whore and a terrible mother and that he believes the boys should belong with their fathers... AND that he is not responsible to provide a safe environment for ss! That however, was 2 years ago, and they have stayed together, but I can't get past the kind of person that would/could write such terrible things about the person you love and their SON! Honestly, I am just patiently --- well, NOT so patiently waiting for him to have another psychological break so BM will feel the insanity that she brings to us. I know it is not nice, and I know it is not healthy, but that is what I think to myself on the daily --"Don't worry --- he'll cheat on her again, they'll break up and chase her a$$ around for custody of THEIR son (who is a little older than 2).When they had that issues --- whatever it was that tipped him off to emailing my DH... she had emailed my DH too saying "You were right, no one will ever love me the way you did." And his response was: "Keep your head up -- there's a light at the end of the tunnel" referring to finally being happily married Sticking out tongue LOL
Because BMs play the
Because BMs play the "have-pity-on-me-my-H-left-me-and-married-someone-else" card so well. BMs paint this picture that are "victims" to this crime called divorce. So these SOs of BMs feel that they have to protect them.
I have been in this same predicament a year ago. Bastard threatened my DH in front of SD11 and SS6 at that time. Even at 5'2" and with my tiny Asian self, I had to physically get in the middle of DH and BMs DH and told both of them to quit this nonesense in front of the kids!! LOL... BM stood there and was in shock that this was happening.
Lo and behold, that bastard didn't last long. He was only married to BM for a little less than 2 years. Turned out my SKs hated him because he was emotionally abusive to them. BM is now married (3rd husband) to an older guy. He seems decent and doesn't cause any drama and most important is my SKs speak highly of him.
I guess your BM and her SO
I guess your BM and her SO are a match made in heaven! LOL
Thank you for responding, I
Thank you for responding, I swear, I am so depressed over this cr*p that just your response helps so much... to know that I am not alone. I've been on other parenting message boards --- full of mothers (of which I am one) and it is AMAZING how 1st wives DEMONIZE wife#2, and stepmothers. I do love my ss, and I want what's best for him AND our family... but I feel so betrayed by him, and I KNOW intellectually I shouldn't --- he's 11, and God... living with that MAN!! Which is pretty scary also... but I am knee deep in this stuff, and after all is said and done, he is NOT my son, and I did NOT cause his hardship. In fact, my husband didn't either --- his mother had countless affairs during their 10 year on and off marriage. Her fiance once had some sort of crazy issue with her and wrote us a 2 pager about how she's whore and a terrible mother and that he believes the boys should belong with their fathers... AND that he is not responsible to provide a safe environment for ss! That however, was 2 years ago, and they have stayed together, but I can't get past the kind of person that would/could write such terrible things about the person you love and their SON! Honestly, I am just patiently --- well, NOT so patiently waiting for him to have another psychological break so BM will feel the insanity that she brings to us. I know it is not nice, and I know it is not healthy, but that is what I think to myself on the daily --"Don't worry --- he'll cheat on her again, they'll break up and chase her a$$ around for custody of THEIR son (who is a little older than 2).When they had that issues --- whatever it was that tipped him off to emailing my DH... she had emailed my DH too saying "You were right, no one will ever love me the way you did." And his response was: "Keep your head up -- there's a light at the end of the tunnel" referring to finally being happily married
LOL
Oh... the karma bus does
Oh... the karma bus does come around. I know I shouldn't be smug, and I am not trying to be. I have been through to much crap in my own life to be smug about anything. BUT..
BM had put DH through hell in their marriage. And after they divorced, she became uber-bitch. At the beginning of our relationship, she would dictate what he could do with his kids, where he could go. She would just walk into the house, and yell at him for not doing the dishes or feeding the dog, HER DOG!!! Pure crazy!!! She would call to bitch him out about his parenting skills. Until we got therapy, and the therapist told DH to disengage and to ignore the crazy bitch completely.
But then the karma bus came around!!! She found this guy who lived far away. He was fake nice at first, but DH would hear him mutter stuff, like "shut that kid up". Then she took her kids with her to visit for a long while. We enjoyed the break so much that DH was REALLY hoping that she would actually move away to be with this guy, so then he wouldn't have to see her ever again!!! We would still be able to see the kids for summers and breaks, but we would be free of the evil troll forever!!!
But unfortunately that didn't work out. We should have known she couldn't keep a man!!! Apparently she dealt with the same step parent issues that I do. This guy couldn't deal with her kids. Olderson said that he was always yelling at him and his mom, telling her that he just didn't listen. And littleson said that he didn't like all of his poopy diapers. DH said the real her probably came out as well, and he probably kicked her to the curb.
Just like you read on
Just like you read on someone elses blog... it ISN'T your responsibilty to take care of crazy BM.
It took a therapist to tell me point blank, that DH's ex is mean, vindictive, bitchy, classless, and clueless. And then he turned to DH and asked him if those were the reasons that he divorced her. DH said YES!!!! He told me that she is not going to change, and that there was nothing that I nor DH could do to change her, so we just needed to accept that. What we needed to do was completely ignore her.
If she called Dh, don't answer it, let it go to voice mail, if she got pissed, oh well!!! If she bitched him out in person, turn around and walk away. We just needed to disengage and ignore her completely. Chances were that she would never get a clue, but it was not our problem anymore. Our contact with her were limited to drop off's and pick-ups, at our convenience. We would only answer when we were ready for her to pick up, and we would pick up the kids from daycare.
You should limit your contact with her. I myself have zero contact with BM. I don't talk with BM on the phone and NEVER see her in person. I am never there when DH drops off the kids. She has called my phone when she couldn't get ahold of DH, but I don't answer. And number 1 rule - SHE WILL NEVER EVER COME IN CONTACT WITH MY CHILD!!!
Like!!! Been there, done
Like!!! Been there, done that! Life is so much easier if you disengage from pessimistic people. I never answer the phone. If I accidentally do and she is on the other end, I say nothing and hand the phone to DH. I don't know her, she doesn't know me and that's that!
Get rid of them...do NOT
Get rid of them...do NOT care if you see them or not...if you have kids that are 1/2 siblings, protect YOUR kids...I am sick and tired of the BMs claiming how freaking hard it is on the kids to have daddy come and go and not be constant, how it impacts the kids, etc...yet they could CARE LESS how it impacts OUR CHILDREN...and I don't mean step-siblings, but half-siblings...WHO CARES if they have an unstable relationship with their siblings? The BMs certainly don't care...they don't care if our kids are "waiting" for EOW to see their half-siblings and because of the crazy BM they don't...no, they just care about THEIR kid not getting hurt...Well you know what? I could care LESS about your kid getting hurt anymore either...You see, you don't care about MY kid, I don't care about yours...plain and simple...my #1 priority is now my child...
So, with that said, I would avoid the skids and the BM as much as possible and ensure your kids continue their lives without them...and focus on your kids only...and when I say avoid, I mean AVOID 100%...if there is something she will be there, DO NOT go with your kids...if she picks up kids at your place, GET THE HECK OUT OF THE HOUSE with your kids before she arrives and return after she leaves...Disconnect your home number or change it and do NOT allow your DH to give it to her...she can contact him on his cell...period...
Again, your goal is not to protect his kids or his relationship with his kids...it is to protect yours...
Hugs to you...I know it's hard...but the best thing I ever did was get them out of my life...now I just wait for CS to end and that will be the end forever...
I was gong to write a long
I was gong to write a long response, but you know what? The short answer is : YOU are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! I can't waste my energy on this sh*t anymore... I need to focus on MY kids, MY family, MY career... Thank you!!!