Cant Stand his ex

I have been with my bf for three and a half years his ex is controlling, vindictive, manipulative, and I really cant stand her. He has lied to me in the past about talking to her behind my back; and what really pisses me off is that he talks to her about our relationship! What is it any of her business, really. They have a daughter together; who by the way is spoiled beyond spoiled and plays like she does not know anything so her daddy will do it for her, i don't buy her shinanigans. Thats probably why we dont really get along. Besides the fact that over the three and a half years she has only been over a hand full of times and he expects us to have a wonderful relationship from the go. He does not help the situation at all; for one going behind my back, and I still think he does, for two making it all about his daughter when she is there (like there are not two other people there as well), and he even lets his eleven year old daughter sleep in our bedroom! Am I the only one who sees this as wrong?! I bet if I was not here she would be sleeping in our bed! Which infuriates me she is eleven should there be some boundaries? We have a two year old son together, which is still co-sleeping with us, but I plan of breaking him of this in the year to come, and most certainly would not even fathom the thought of having him sleeping in my room at that age! So his ex calls whenever and whatever time she sees fit. Pisses me off, at first she called like twenty times in a row (we were not home) and it was getting late. So I asked her to not call my house so late. Then she started accusing me of with holding his daughters calls from him (hey it is not my responsibility to make him call back) she blames me if her daughter acts out of line, she blames me for everything she possibly can. So I called her and made some remark about her accusations and she hung up on me then called the cops and said i was harrassing HER!!! SO everytime she called I called the cops just so there was record of who the hell was calling who! And informed her never to call my house again!! I dont really care if they have a kid together; that doesnt entitle her to have her nose in my relationship and she should have BOUNDARIES!! Calling late at night is off limits, my kid is in bed as am I it is rude and unneccesary. Anyway that was long ago, still ranting, tonight however she called at ten we were all in bed! then she texted him saying she was having a moment and needed to talk to her daughter! Maybe it wasnt my place but I texted the bitch back telling her that we didnt care about her to stop calling (he has told me that he told her to stay out of his life and to not call or text or have any contact whatsoever) I think that is a lie too. Why would she find okay to call, at any time really but that late?! Anyway she text back that was fine but she could call if her daughter was here. UM, your daughter has her own phone, use it, not mine. And maybe at a decent hour too. I have talked to him and it seems to me like he doesnt care how i feel, I feel like im in for a horribly long life. The thing is we do really love eachother and have a beautiful son together I would hate to put my son in the middle of this. This weekend when his daughter was here I made a real attempt to be nice to her and get along. She just acts so selfish its hard sometimes. SHe even tries to make my son all about her, and he falls in to suit. Help me please regain some sanity to make this work. Things are fine without his ex in the picture.

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Honey...I feel like he still

Honey...I feel like he still has a foot in the old relationship in case this one with you goes south. Either that or he's enjoying the attention of two women. Honestly I have no clue how to force someone to establish boundaries especially when this man is making it perfectly clear he's fine with no boundaries and only becomes bothered by his ex's closeness when you're complaining about it. I think you really need to evaluate this whole situation in the most objective way possible. It's hard to tell all sides of the situation in a vent but think about some things... is this man REALLY good for you? You can't change him, can you live with him not changing? You can't get rid of bm, can you deal with her existence in your life on a longterm time frame? If sd is spoiled rotten now, she will likely remain so...will you be able to accept that? Are you able to change how you handle your emotions so you'll be able to stay in your relationship without ending up bitter and angry?

this really gives me a lot

this really gives me a lot to think about , thanks.

We had the same problems.

We had the same problems. We're now 5 years down the road and things have improved. The key for us was in getting HIM to realize and accept what he was doing. I think one of the turning points was when I found the 'How to turn your wife into an evil stepmother' page and 'accidentally' let him see what I was reading on my laptop. He didn't say anything at the time but later he mentioned it a couple of times. From there I found other things, books on stepmothering, websites, etc that explained the dynamics from a stepmother's point of view.

Another turning point was when he realized that what he was doing was very bad for the child. When he realized that by spoiling her he was ruining HER future, that she would turn out to be an adult who wasn't able to cope with life. He wouldn't just take my word for it, he had to see it in black and white written by 'experts'.

I also pointed out, as our own child grew, that his older child did things that I would NEVER tolerate from ours and that treating them differently was not fair. I told him that our child would see the difference and resent him for it. He agreed that he did not want our child to be spoiled and demanding.

It took a looooong time but he has made enormous changes. It was very hard for him. I think the worst mistake I made was in demanding too much too soon but then if I hadn't I don't know if he'd have made the progress he has made.

We also went to counseling a few times and while at the time it didn't seem to make much difference I think that having a counselor try to put things in perspective for him, ie the damage to our relationship and the damage to his child, did stick in his mind.

There are sites which discuss healthy boundaries with the ex as well you can point him to.

I agree that he hasn't let go of the old relationship and he needs to do that. It could just be that his mindset is on doing what's best for the child and he just doesn't realize that what he's doing is NOT what's best for the child.

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yeah, ive tried talking to

yeah, ive tried talking to him; seems he just has issues in letting go period. I have to force him to go through a bag of nothing but junk mail he had kept for years!! So imagine what its like for him to see my perspective when he has been dealing with his ex and daughter for 8 years before me. I do not tolerate such actions from my two year old and do not think i should have to from an eleven year old.

Most of us have been there

Most of us have been there with psycho BM's. In my experience and opinion, the only answer to help get some sanity is for him to set the boundaries with her, not you. If you do it, then you become the problem in her mind and that can spread to SD and BF. Like PA said above, it can take a LOOOONNG time, and it's going to be in baby steps. I'd suggest having talks with him about the issues when you're not in the heat of the moment.

You are not alone, and I've found that venting on here helps a lot!

Now I'm going to challenge you on your very last statement:

"Things are fine without his ex in the picture."

Do you really believe this? How much of your issues with BM are you projecting on SD? The rest of your post doesn't sound like you'd be okay with SD right now even if BM weren't in the picture?

Try hanging out with some 11 year old girls sometime and just watching them. (I found this helped me a lot with understanding my SS's ... I mean hanging out with boys their age, not 11 year old girls!) I know I realized a lot of what I had been projecting on them, because of my frustration with their BM, was really just the way kids behave at that age!

Finding a way to separate the issues with BM from the issues with SD may help make things more manageable with BF.

HUGS!

**Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living.**

yes, I do without the ex

yes, I do without the ex calling all the time and asking for more money, and demanding this and that we are fine. I do see where I have put some of my frustrations with bm on sd but this weekend things were fine between us i even was able to get her to go through her things she has here and take some stuff home and give stuff to good will. I just hate it when he makes everything about her, for example, i had bought dual dvd player for my minivan my son sits on the side where i can get to him while driving so I wanted the dvd player with the buttons to push play in a place where, if needed, i could reach easily. He put it in front of sd instead of doing what i requested. I bought the thing for my son. again we watched whatever she wanted all weekend long! cartooons for 72 hours come on! Its like our son and i are not even involved, is what upsets me and that its all about sd. When you add bm, i like that we call them bm lol, (BM can also mean bowel movement) with the constant demands she gets child support through the state and she wants him to send her more money on top of that! I had just got my tax return, and he sent her my money. I guess yes, shit like that really does piss me off. When his daughter has everything and my kid often times goes without everything and he sends her my money!! just saying, he would not had had the extra to give if i hadnt got the tax return. on top of that he went behind my back with the whole thing then had the nerve to say to me its not my concern or my business!!

OK, I'm sorry but I think

OK, I'm sorry but I think you need to put your foot down. Sending your money, going behind your back to do it, is NOT ON.

You are in for nothing but misery if he doesn't get over his ex and fast.

You need to drag him to a counselor if that's what it takes. Tell him he's going to have 2 failed relationships and 2 children to arrange visitation for if he doesn't cop on.

LIKE **Beginnings are

**LIKE**

**Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living.**

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