Snooping....legal or not?
Tuesday night on my way home from work I call my H. He informs me that he's taking the kids and they're going to his friends house to help him fix something. I said okay because I get to be by myself for the first time in a long time. I get home and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I notice that there's laundry that had been left so I thought I'd finish it. Well I went downstairs to make sure the kids didn't have any more dirty clothes. I pull some clothes out from between one skid's sheets only to find candy. Then I pull the candy out only to find my portable dvd player, a bag that was packed and various other things. Well once I started I couldn't stop, at least that's really how it felt. So I went through the skid's whole room and cleaned it out. There were clothes stuffed everywhere as well as trash. I also found dirty dishes that they snuck down there and had mold on them after we've told them several times that the dishes do not leave the kitchen. I also found the homework that my SD11 swore up and down she didn't have, even after I told her I had talked to her teacher, she still swore she didn't know what I was talking about. Not to mention I found various other things that had belonged to me stashed in their room. Is it okay as a step parent to go through your skid's rooms? After I was finished I called my H and told him and while he didn't directly say anything to me about doing what I did he didn't seem all that happy that I had done that. Later that night they got home and he came into the room and told me that he wanted me to get onto SD about lying about the homework. So I did. Even though he backed me up....sort of on this I still don't know if as a step parent I really had the right to do that or not. My MIL said that I did because she had to do that with all her boys but she was their BM. Has anyone else ever come across this situation and if so what was done or said?
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My view is maybe not a
My view is maybe not a popular one but....my feelings are that you didn't go there intending to snoop and IT'S YOUR HOME, YOU ARE THE ADULT. While I try to be respectful of my kids privacy I also feel compelled to protect them and sometimes you need to know more than they tell you to do so.
I reserve the right to snoop into anything that is in my home. And that includes DH which many people might say is wrong but...
I feel the same way yet I
I feel the same way yet I feel a little guitly none the less.
Oh yes a healthy dose of
Oh yes a healthy dose of guilt comes with it but never has stopped me.
agreed. I have went through
agreed.
I have went through my SD10s room too. Just to clean it out, sometines she has stuff she shouldn't sometimes she doesn't. They are kids and they lie sometimes, they sneak candy and food---like all kids.
As adults we help them go through their rooms, I usually do it when SD is over. Then I find it with her, she then puts her hands over face, lol.
Next time maybe say " lets go through your room today. It could use a good cleaning--I will help you." Then you won't have any guilt.
It depends. Personally, I
It depends. Personally, I think it's legal to search through any minor's things if you suspect something. Because the job of the adults is to protect the children.
Whether your H will feel it's "legal" depends on the type of person he is and whether he is defensive about how you feel about his kids. I know that if I found anything in my skids' stuff and showed it to DH, he would thank me, and it wouldn't even occur to him to be angry that I snooped in their room. In the case of your H, if he considers this snooping and doesn't approve, I would suspect him of a double standard: after all, if you snooped and found a loaded gun and a suicide note, wouldn't he be thankful? Well, then...
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I think snooping on a kid is
I think snooping on a kid is ok when you have reason to think you need to. When I was really worried about my SDs mental state I snooped and read her journal so I could know where she was coming from and try to help her. She has no idea I read anything and I will never let her know but I was able to help her through a rough time because of that. I did it because I love her and I haven't done it again.
On the other hand, DH recently randomly went through perfectson's room for no particular reason and I was PISSED. He had no reason to go through his stuff. Perfectson is a good kid and deserves his privacy in his room and DH WAY WAY WAY overstepped his bounds going in there just to snoop.
Well the next question I
Well the next question I guess would be if the skid knows I went through their room, which they do because I had to talk to her about the homework issue, how do I begin to trust them again after I know that they lied to me about more than one thing? And how do they trust me?
That's a very good question
That's a very good question and I have no idea what to tell you. My YSD is 11 and she lies all the time about the dumbest things. We catch her at it and DH really gets after her for lying. The kids do know however that we can go through their rooms anytime we want because it's our house, not theirs, so they know we CAN do it, we just don't ever do it and I won't either. I think they deserve privacy unless I have reason to suspect something. So maybe that's one way to get around them trusting you, you accidentally found a lie so they don't deserve to be trusted for a while. IDK, this is a hard one.
My skids are boys and they
My skids are boys and they listen to their father really well (for now). I clean their rooms and find all sorts of stuff and they get in trouble for it. I think, yes its your house and you need to know whats going on before it leads to bigger issues like sex issues.
some time ago i was
some time ago i was innocently picking up dirty clothes and trash in skids room and came across a big piece of paper reading how much sd HATES me and i don't belong, etc.... and haven't stopped snooping since! i learn all kinds of interesting shit...
MY HOUSE, I own EVERYTHING
MY HOUSE, I own EVERYTHING in it!! I will go through whichever room in that house that I want to... don't like it?? Tuff titty!
I think I would have been more comfortable with DH laying into SKid about the lying... it may have been more effective... but hey, WHATEVER WORKS!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
I think you have every
I think you have every right! It is YOUR house. I took my SS11 phone when he was asleep and went thru it after DH caught him texting F-You on it to another kid. Of course when I told him I did it...he was like "You stole my phone?" I said "No..you still have it don't you?"
If it's in MY house...I have EVERY right to go thru it!!!
****I can do bad all by myself****
i never let skids know i go
i never let skids know i go thru their shit ---- gives me the upper hand -- they don't go more out of their way to hide it... idk if it's b/c i'm a nosey ass or just don't want to be suprised by something i could have been fully aware and prepared for....... who cares, as dis said:
"MY HOUSE, I own EVERYTHING in it!!"
I think I have an
I think I have an advantage... the kids are USED to me doing this. I have been doing it once or twice a week since they were born. Going through gathering dirty clothes, taking out the trash, and I open drawers and closets, backpacks and overnight bags... they know NO different then DIS going through their things. I am sure there will be something of a battle as they get older, but TOO freakin bad!! Get used to it kiddos, the tornado is here to stay!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Any other time I would have
Any other time I would have NEVER breathed a word that I had snooped...but he pissed me off...lying as usual! So I let it be know that I KNEW what he had done!!!! }:)
****I can do bad all by myself****
It is your home and
It is your home and household and many items in that room were actually YOURS specifically. I think you have every right to know what's going on in your own house, whether you are a step parent or a biological parent.
You won't need to go to the level of actually "snooping" (looking for something bad with which to catch their lies) if you don't feel that they are lying. This may be a way to talk to the skid about lying and hiding things. If they don't lie in the first place, there will be no reason to snoop around, and nothing to find anyways. The boy who cried "Wolf"!
Thank you very much all of
Thank you very much all of your input has been very helpful.