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Does anyone have their SKids living with them?? If so please talk to me!!

smith21's picture

Submitted by smith21 on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 10:31pm

Does it get easier or harder? We aren't married Yet...but soon to be. We both already put all our money together struggling to make it by. His daughter (8) is going to join us in October, for the school year. I am scared. I love her to death. She is funny and fun. But when she is around he gets weird...he wont hold my hand kiss,touch, or even say he loves me. Its odd because every time she leaves he gets overly affectionate ...to make up for the lost time. But if she is here all the time...what will that be like? I love playing with her and hanging out with her (we make up dance moves to songs, build club houses, etc) but when he acts the way he does it kinda makes me upset where I want her to go away...but then when she is gone I miss her. So i know its not her...its him that is upsetting me.

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Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 10:32pm

Have you talked to him about it?

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

smith21's picture

Submitted by smith21 on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 10:39pm

Im afraid he will think i am just being crazy and stupid...then get offended that im being jealous. Ive told him that im worried about being a step mom and he says "babe she isnt coming till october so dont stress until then" And i tell him "but we have to talk about this so we can know what is coming up" then he says "we dont know what is coming up" and then i say "well cant we talk about maybe diffrent rules we will have, or what its going to be like?" and then he rolls his eyes says "stop worrying...lets watch king of the hill" So im afraid to talk to him about my ...i guess jealousy issue...he wont understand...because honestly before this started happening to me I thought most step mothers were selfish. I dont have any children myself...ive been a live in nanny but thats way different...im following the parents rules...not making them up my self or sharing the responsibility of actually raising a child.

TheOtherMom's picture

Submitted by TheOtherMom on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 10:51pm

DH used to be like that at the very beginning of our relationship when they all moved in (even though we were together 2 years before that).

We HAD to talk about how he was not affectionate. He said he thought I was being silly but then one of his friends pointed it out.

Maybe you could go that route?

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 11:04pm

I too have noticed this behavior with my DH. I moved in with DH and SD a few years ago. I have no bio children.

When SD is around I noticed DH would withhold affection . .so I initiated it. It was at the point where if SD was around he didn't want to be in our bedroom behind closed doors unless we were going to bed. I assumed it was because he wanted to make sure she had access to him which is ridiculous so I called him out on it. It's no longer a problem.

Now here's the real shocker . .my SD is 26. Speak up about it now and tell him how you feel, or it's only going to get worse.

Silver's picture

Submitted by Silver on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 11:14pm

Whoops

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 11:12pm

IMO, there are 4 main things that need to be discussed. I could be forgetting some, so if I do, I'm sure others will add to it. But mine are as follows:

1. Finances - you and your FDH need to sit down and figure out how the household finances will be handled. Will you share an account or have two seperate ones? For me, it works out best if finances are seperated...or you could have your own acct for your personal expenses, FDH could have his own acct for his personal expenses, to include SD and CS. Then you could have an acct together that you pay the household expenses from, such as mortgage, electric, water, groceries, cable, etc.

2. Rules - you and your FDH need to sit down and establish household rules. You can make a list of the rules you'd like for the house and then FDH can make a list of the rules he'd like. After making the list, you each look at the other ones to see if the both of you are basically on the same page. Then, if there are one's that are different, you can come to a compromise, or incorporate the rules into the ones that you've both already agreed on.

3. Boundaries - you and your FDH need to sit down and establish boundaries as far as BM is concerned. How will you guys handle excessive phone calls/texts? How will you handle holidays? How will you handle special occassions/extra curricular activities? How will you guys handle if BM calls requesting things from FDH that have nothing to do with SD? How will you and FDH handle BM if she is harrassing either of you, or undermines your relationship with SD?

4. Chores - you and your FDH need to sit down and discuss who is responsible for which chores in the house. Who will take the trash out? Who will do the laundry? Who will cook dinner, and who will clean up after dinner? Who will take care of the yard work? Who will clean the bathrooms? Who will help SD with homework? Who will discipline SD and will you guys present a united front?

Establishing these ahead of time will prevent resentment, it will hopefully prevent one from feeling like they are carrying the majority of the load of the house. It will also draw out clear expectations. If you go in having certain expectations that the other person isn't aware of, there is a huge possibility that they won't meet your hidden expectations therefor causing disappointment. If each of you go in knowing what the other one expects, you won't be blindsided.

I'd suggest going ahead and coming up with your ideas for each of these before presenting them to FDH. That way, you go into this conversation knowing exactly what you want to say. When we get into these conversations without having a clear idea of where we stand or how we feel or think about them, the conversation dead ends.

Sometimes, we have to do the thinking for our men. Wink

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 11:50pm

Thanks furie Smile

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 11:50pm

BTW, as far as the affection towards you around SD, it may be because he's uncomfortable, or it could also be that he's really not even aware that he's doing it since he doesn't get to see SD as often, his focus unconciously is directed solely to her.

What about first trying to initiate the affection with him while SD is there, to get him to see that there is nothing to feel uncomfortable about, or to make him concscious about showing you affection too? Then if that doesn't seem to work, just let him know what's bothering you. Explain that you understand that his time is limited with SD, so it's natural to want to focus on her while she's there, but you often feel left out. Let him know that he doesn't have to be as affectionate in front of SD, but suggest a subtle kiss, or an I love you, a hug, or even placing his hand on your lap when you're sitting next to him makes you feel included and loved by him, even when SD is with you guys. It makes you feel as if all of you are part of a family, rather than it just being him and SD.

It's all about the approach/delivery of the conversation.

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”