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How should I feel about this?

OptimisticMe's picture

Submitted by OptimisticMe on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 8:40am

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I raised my SD for 8 years. I was "mom" and did more parenting for her than DH did (stupid I know). Now SD is a royal mess (she always was) and has been living with inlaws for nearly a year. You can read some of my other posts if you want all of the gory details. Anyways, SD is now calling me by my first name. How exactly should I feel about that? I currently feel disrespected and I feel it shows just how unappreciative and ungrateful SD really is. I raised her when her own mother abandoned her and her dad was a POS father and through multiple military deployments when I could have sent her away...but yet now I am no longer "mom"? Perhaps I just need a change in perspective. But it also really bothers me that the other adults don't say anything to her about this. SD is 13 and thinks poorly of her BM, so it isn't a case of her being confused or feeling bad for BM. What do my StepTalk friends think about this?

WTHDISUF's picture

Submitted by WTHDISUF on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 12:27pm

Double-edged sword here. You raised her but you're not her Mom and she may feel differently about your role than you do because she's aware that you're not her Mom. Now that she's a teenager, she has the wherewithal to express that opinion and unfortunately how you feel about it is not relevant to her. She's likely angry at everyone-- her Dad, her BM and You, because she's frustrated she didn't have a standard Parental life. Must give her room with that and not demand to be addressed in any special way. You are all that she has known as a Mom but that wasn't her choice so she's likely acting out.
I wouldn't make a thing about this because it'd only make it worse. We, as Parents, whether Bio or Step don't always get the credit we deserve or the respect we've earned from the kids we raise. :/

WarmBody's picture

Submitted by WarmBody on Mon, 07/15/2013 - 2:15pm

I would gently ask her why the sudden change but start off saying that you are just curious and she shouldn't feel like she has to call you anything, but you'd just like to understand where her head is at and make sure she knows she can lean on you for moral support if there's anything troubling her.

Show it as wanting open communication and to make sure she's okay emotionally speaking and knows she can talk to you about anything because you'll be there for her. Any parent would be worried about her kid going through stressful times.

Even if she doesn't dish her feelings to you she'll remember that you cared enough to offer.