I am so surprised to feel this way
Soo...SD is the worst SD you could imagine (physically and emotionally hurt our other kids, threatened me, told lies that I was abusing her, stole money and personal possessions from our bedrooms, abused and even killed an animal, vandalized her bedroom, etc etc). She is no longer living in our home, she lives with inlaws but comes to visit occasionally. When she visits she calls me by my first name even though I was the only mom she had for eight years and I was the only one really parenting her (I used to be "mom").
I feel betrayed when SD calls me by name and no adult stands up for me or points her disrespect out to her...those feelings I understand and imagine I will have forever because the "adults" in this situation are pathetic.
Here is the feeling that totally surprised me: SD called DH, I was sitting next to him so I could hear the convo. SD asked DH to take her somewhere. He said no and he would need more notice (good job DH). But before he hung up, he very gingerly told her "I love you". THAT upset me. Why did that bother me? She is his kid, he SHOULD...he NEEDS to love her. It felt like betrayal which I don't fully understand. I think it just hit me that no matter how horrible SD is to me, DH will always love her. He loves my nemesis...he loves the individual that destroyed many years of my life...the one that gave me anxiety attacks and that hurt his other children. The person that I know is capable of killing me and would take her chance if she could (and has even asked DH to teach her to shoot). He loves her! I seriously dislike her...yet he loves her...and tells her so very gingerly at that. Disgusting!
I just brushed off the feeling and didn't harp on it...that would do me no good. But I was very surprised by my instant feelings regarding what I over heard.
I know some people who
I know some people who haven't spoken to their kids in years. I also know people who visit their kids in prison despite the atrocious crimes they've admittedly committed.
The questions beg, would you still love your bios if they were as bad to dh as sd was to you? If so, would you tell them you love them in front of dh?
He's always going to love sd. I just hope he doesn't deny that she has problems, tries to get her counseling and visits with her elsewhere.
Maybe leave the room if she calls. Some may disagree with that. However, if he has the right to tell her he loves her, you have the right to not hear him say it.
Eta: I think it's natural to want your spouse to not love the person who is your nemesis. Add to that, sd isn't your child. I'm sorry you're going through this
I agree with leaving the room
I agree with leaving the room when she calls if it upsets you. I make DH leave the room when BM calls or I'll walk away. her voice irritates me & she's a bitch. Also, when she calls for SD & SD tries to talk right there in the room where everyone is with BM on speaker phone we tell her "No ma'am, phone off speaker - you can go talk in your room".
It use to be stupid - we would stop our lives for 10 mins - mute the TV, whisper - so BM could talk to SD on speaker phone about nothing. Now SD knows that since she can hold a phone, it is rude to be on speaker while we are trying to watch tv or talk or have guests over. She knows she can talk to BM whenever she wants, we just don't want to hear the convo.
Also, when we talk on the phone we leave the room (with anyone) if someone is watching a movie or having a conversation in real life lol. Just seems like good manners to excuse yourself instead of making everyone feel awkward.