BM response makes me feel hopeless
Well, onward ho with the graffiti incident: DH confronted SD9 yesterday and eventually made her cough up that she wrote "I hate SM" on the window. He was feeling pretty good about himself, I guess (on a roll?) and decided to tell BM, who was response was: laughter. Nice. So then SD9 spoke with her, and they were both laughing. This is really the crux of the issue here, that b****h of a BM is such a sorry excuse for a human being, how can we hope to raise SD9 to be something better? BM also took the opportunity to say that SD9 wouldn't be acting out if she went to live with her (whoops, correction on that, went to live with her at her parents house, because she is incapable of taking care of either herself or her two children, but is happy to just entertain them occasionally). I'm not interested in taking it out on SD9, but I did in fact hear her laughing with her mother about it on the phone, so what am I to do? Currently, I'm investing a lot of money in her extra-curricular activities ($1000), and I don't really feel like doing that anymore, because I just resent it. Also, maybe another truth here is that she really should live with her mother...sorry to say, but true. And at the end of the day, if she is hard-wired to turn out like her irresponsible, distasteful, and disrespectful mother, than there's not much I can do (especially with that behaviour being reinforced by her BM) My ultimate concern is to be able to raise my two DD's in the way that is kind, caring and appropriate.
And now, for a HUGE vent: I'm continually surprised that DH is so stupid when it comes to BM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE MEN?????? It's like he has amnesia about the kind of person she is. Seriously, this woman is not only unmedicated from being bi-polar, she also suffers from serious narcissism and has the complete opposite set of values than us. Why would he expect her behavior to change? I must say, that he ever was in love with her...enough to have children, is a giant mystery, and frankly repulsive.
That we, as SM's, have to face these additional challenges on top of all the other things we do: raising children, working, and attempting to have a relationship with our husbands, seems like more than our fair share. On days like this, I really feel hopeless, and by nature, I'm really a glass is half full kind of person.
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Based on "God give me the
Based on "God give me the courage to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can't & the wisdom to know the difference" I would say:
Stop paying for her extra-curricular activities & tell her it's because you don't see why you should give your hard-earned cash to help someone who expresses that she hates you.
Remind yourself that everything you DH went through with BM & SD has made him the man he is today. Without that relationship & becoming a father, you may never have fallen in love with him. That's not to say you have to like her, but without that bad relationship would he have recognised how good it is with you?
Perhaps it's time to disengage?
I would be sooo pissed off
I would be sooo pissed off if that happened to me. What diid DH say about the laughing? I understand why you wouldn't want to invest in the extras maybe taking that will curb her entitlement? Sorry to hear about this. Being an SM is truly a thankless job but to be so disrespected is so wrong!
I would ask the same thing-
I would ask the same thing- what was DHs reaction to both SDs and BMs laughing about this incident? Did he "brush it off" as so many of these dads do? Because if he did, there is your problem.
And there is your answer, too! It makes it so much easier to say, "Not my kid, not my problem!"
I know you want to do the right thing by your SD9. We ALL do. I did. I put myself out there to "save" my three SDs from there horrible BM. I gave my time, my money, my heart and soul to them for years. And in the end...
I got kicked in the teeth. BM and her campaign of PAS, turned them against me. I became evil incarnate to them, especially to middle SD, the one whom I invested in most. It broke my heart.
From then, I stopped. I stopped giving everything. "Not my kid, not my problem" became my mantra. And I let DH handle it all.
MY BOYS are my priority in my life.
I cannot save these girls. I wish someone would have told me that six years ago- it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
"That we, as SM's, have to
"That we, as SM's, have to face these additional challenges on top of all the other things we do: raising children, working, and attempting to have a relationship with our husbands, seems like more than our fair share. On days like this, I really feel hopeless, and by nature, I'm really a glass is half full kind of person."
This describes me to a T. Why is being an SM so hard? I'm having a hard time trying to separate my feelings on what he does as a father from what I feel about the rest of him. And sometimes it just seems so.... insurmountable. I envy couples who don't have kids from previous relationships.
If you resent spending $ in
If you resent spending $ in extra curriculars, then don't- Until you get some respect!
DEFINITELY stop paying - and
DEFINITELY stop paying - and tell her, its because she hates you and she and her mom laugh about it!!! Put the blame where it belongs, on those 2, but especially SD, she is the one actually doing it!!!
But, be sure to mention her mom so BM can know, that you are not stupid and BM has also done this to her own daughter! Don't bite the hand that feeds you dummy!
I had to do this too and feel less resentment, plus I spend my money on us now.
DH will get his when he is forced to deal with SD instead of you.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)