Mostly because I've been dealing with being a SM for the past six years, and shouldering most of the burden myself; thanks for having a place to vent and get support. I have SS13, SD9, and my two daughters 5 & 3. It has been a rocky road, mostly because of bipolar, unmedicated, codependent, and incompetent BM (oh yes, who is also a nymphomaniac with a victim complex), and who occasionally happens to be funny, together, and intelligent (although, not consistently enough to make her a good parent).

Two weeks ago, BM decides to move back to her home state, and leave SS13 and SD9 with us, citing "lack of support system" (right: we share custody of the children, keep them weekday mornings/afternoons because they catch the bus here, plus my H managed to over-pay her for 5 years, causing us severe monetary problems, so that his older children would always have a place to live...she has a history of being evicted for non-payment and filthy living space). Regardless of all that, and after spending two hours in mediation where she insisted that the children come live with her (great idea, uproot them from school mid-year, take them from their siblings, friends, stable living environment, she leaves. Money well spent, for sure...they have an agreement to re-assess in December, with the understanding that the kids should stay here for the moment. Meanwhile, she's back home with her parents, working a new job 9-6pm, and speaking with the SK's every day; my impression is that all of her whining to have the kids back with her is lip-service, and they would end up living with their grand-parents (her version of support is somebody take all the responsibility for raising them, and she can just do the fun stuff).

The SK's obviously love their mom, and me...well, not so much...since I have a different idea of raising children (evil step-mom: makes us clean up our room, forces us to brush teeth and bathe, sets appropriate rules and boundaries, ie. can't watch porn on computer/tv; loves her own children more than us, etc.). In general, they are lovely children, kind, caring and good to their little sisters. Whether or not they like me seems irrelevent, given that they are children and I'm the adult, and being a teacher by trade, I'm used to the "she's mean" credo. I generally get along better with SS13, mostly because he's pretty stable; SD9 is rather like her mother, which causes me great concern, especially in relation to my own girls.

At this point, SD9 thinks her father is forcing her to stay "because she'll miss her sisters" and making things more complicated at the moment. The past week was particularly bad, given that we were into week two without BM, haven't had any real family discussions (H is allergic to these), and I had professional responsibilities every night (very hard on all of us, to be sure). H was already pissed (remember, a man's career is always more important than a womens, and woe to us if we try and do that plus raise children), and then to add salt to his wounds, finds SD alone a few minutes after 7am one morning this week, when I've walked out the door with BD5 to get to the bus-stop on time. Okay, here's the exchange: "Where's SM & S?" SD9: "SM left with sister to bus-stop, leavning me alone, like she always does." This was a calculated, manipulative lie, btw: in the past two weeks I've had to walk out 2x without her, and she knows that we have to leave right at 7am). H gives me the cold shoulder for two days; SD9 is happy.

Next in the story: H wakes me up at 12:30am this morning to tell me how disappointed he is in me, how I've yet again put my needs above everyone elses, and btw, how could I leave the house without the sensitive SD, who is only 9 years old." WTF??? Seriously??? Now, H is a hothead, and used to have heated fights in front of their children with ex, which I refuse to do; I'm way more passive-aggressive, and won't engage in conversation without letting my first anger abate. I leave the room, and come back to remind him of all the things I have done: worked hard to be sensitive to SD9 by listening and spending more time with her; getting up every morning with the girls, making lunches, cleaning, cooking, etc, and working full time. His response: "Well, when I see you don't care for my kids, it makes me rethink our whole relationship."

At this point, I simply stopped the conversation. I've known for a long time that the BM was really only part of the problem here; in truth, my husband is responsible for a lot of the problems we currently are experiencing. This is a diagnosed diabetic, who went off his medication for four years, and just ignored it. This is a guy who waits for things to happen to him (as opposed to me), and as a result, I end up doing the bulk of the work and resenting the shit out of it (my fault, I own it). This is a gentleman who is funny, caring, and intelligent, but isn't really in touch with reality (peter-pan syndrome). His solution was "maybe we should send the kids to their BM, and I'll deal with the repercussions." Who is he kidding? I'm the one who will have to deal with it...financially, emotionally, etc. Again, not in touch with realty here.

And here's the real kicker: while I believe he supports all his children, I don't think he actually knows the truth about how manipulative SD9 can be. Sometimes I catch her on the tale end of a conversation with my D5, and she's saying some pretty nasty stuff and I've seen her pinch (not as bad as my brothers who used to beat each other senseless, but bad enough.) And often she journals about how much she hates me and D5...yes, I read it. It was through the same means that I found out she saw naked pictures of her mother sucking some dude's you-know-what on her mom's computer a while back. Nice. There are some things I prefer to know about, unlike my husband.

So, where to go from here? I'm frankly tired of being undervalued, and tired of fighting an up-hill battle. Therapy may be an option, although H isn't the kind of guy to go without a fight. When BM left, I really felt like a burden had been lifted; her absence felt like a new lease on the whole family situation. Apparently I'm the only one who was thinking that way. I think the bigger truth here is, my H doesn't like the added responsibility of full-time care, and will only accept his version of love for the SK's. When I do my best, it's simply not good enough. I've taken to fantasizing regularily about taking my two girls, and living a simplier life...one without drama (other than the regular kid kind). I wouldn't change having my two beautiful girls, and I do love my husband, and value him for the things he does well, but if I'd known 6 years ago how hard this was, I wouldn't have signed on.

Thanks for letting me vent.