When SD has betrayed your DW...
Long story short, SD has been splitting time between bd and bm all her life...she is 11 now and has had problems in the last year with her bd to the point that on a Tuesday morning she would wake up sick to her stomach that she had to go to her bd...ON FRIDAY! She finally snapped at school one day and told a counselor that he hits her, and punishes her all the time for sticking up for her mom when he makes fun of her. She is not allowed to acknowledge our family at all and has gotten in trouble for it (he punished her for writing a sentence in her HW about her Mom and "new" family). The counselor was concerned and called CSA and they showed up at his house...she denied talking to the counselor and said it was a mistake. She is PETRIFIED of her father and can't tell anyone the truth in his presence. We got her a therapist and she was telling her she couldn't do this anymore...live this double life and wanted help. She told the therapist she is fearful to be at her bds house so they called CSA again...this time my wife filed an order for temporary change of custody until we could have a hearing and get to the bottom of this. 6 months this went on and her daughter kept saying thank you thank you thank you...meanwhile everytime she went to court she would say "things are ok" with her bd. She had supervised visits...the supervisor wrote "they have a loving relationship" , "she doesn't seem to be the least bit scared of him" of course she's not going to be if she's acting like everything is everything because she knows if she doesn't her father will do something to her. So they stopped supervised visits which scared her...she told her law guardian that she can't tell the truth at her dads house and that she wanted custody to be revised. So what does he do, call her when shes at her dads to find out hows shes doing and what she wants to have happen in this custody issue. When we went to court, the guardian said she was fine and wanted it to go back to the way it was. The judge sensed something wrong and said I want to talk to the child. I explained to my wife that she was told what to say to the law guardian by her father...she spoke to her daughter and told her that if she didn't tell the truth that things would go back to the way they were. And if she wanted to go back to the way things were fine, just tell her the truth. She said she understood and would tell the judge the truth. Well her day in court came and she spoke to the judge, when she came out she told her Mom she told the judge the truth...went back to court the following week and the judge said, she was told "she wanted to go back to the way things were" with visitation...my wife was destroyed!!! When her daughter got home from school she told her that she would be going to her fathers this weekend and she acted all suprised like really? She said to her dont' even try it...I know what you told the jugde...and if that is really what you wanted then why didn't you tell me? Why lie to me? The kid then has the audacity to say well you put too much pressure on me and daddy's been good now for a while...I must say it took all the strength I never thought I had to be able to NOT say anything and just walk away. But in my mind I knew she wouldn't tell the truth...she does what she always does, plays both sides and get what she wants. There are so many emotions running through my head at this point but the two things I can't seem to get past is the betrayal of her mother (which I knew if she had to choose between the two she would side with her father out of fear) and the fact that I don't trust her anymore, because if she could do that to the woman who gave her life and has taken care of her since day one, what could she do to me or my kids? I guess I lied when I said short story at the beginning, but this really is the abbreviated version...Im new to this site so please let me know you're thoughts...i'd greatly appreciate it!
FUSD
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My first gut instinct
My first gut instinct response is to say, "what a manipulative little snot" but then I remember she's 11 and have to step back.
I do think you should be guarded with this child especially when it comes to other kids. Seems to me like being off to the side somewhere is the safest place for you right now. Maybe later after these immediate issues are resolved you can be more involved with her but at this point it seems best to just be there for your wife to comfort her.
SD is going to learn (hopefully soon) that her actions are so wrong and f**ked up. Wait til daddy dearest turns psycho again. Unfortunately kids are really selfish and single minded especially children with two homes. I think even though she says things are fine, she really needs therapy of some sort. Someone she can trust. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt her mom...she's probably a mix of confusion,anger,frustration,and wants to control her situation so she's doing it with manipulation. Kids who manipulate do so out of fear and the need for fulfillment in some area of their life. Likely she's afraid to commit to one story bc she doesn't want to hurt either parent and she doesn't want to choose. I agree that she doesn't deserve anyone's trust right now...but do give her a chance to rebuild later on...don't shut her out completely, she might change for the better.
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
My SD11 did the same exact
My SD11 did the same exact thing to DH and I. We've been trying to get a fixed placement schedule between our home and BM's. We spoke to SD and SS9 about us trying to get a week on/week off schedule (as opposed to the 4 on 5 off 4 on schedule that BM was demanding). SD was all over it.... until she met with the Guardian ad Litem. She told him that she DIDN't want the week on/week off because BM would be "inconvenienced" with her job. The GAL ended up coming up with this ridiculous schedule that has the skids bouncing back and forth every other day between houses...WHY? Because SD said she thought it was a GREAT idea...
We have to wait until Dec. for our court date, but have been living under this proposed schedule and it sucks big time. Worse yet, SD is the one walking around the house all peeved off that the schedule sucks. You know what.....I have very little sympathy for her. We have spent thousands of dollars and time in order to advocate for her and her brother. Either she is lying to us, or she's lying to the court. But either way you slice it, if she can't open her mouth and really say what she wants, then she really has no right to sit and complain about it later...
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
Be careful fedup... these
Be careful fedup... these kids are great liars. My former SD did this. She would have such a wonderful time at our house and then go home to her mother and tell her she was having a horrible time. Then her stories escalated and she was claiming that her dad abused her and I stood by and let it happen. I had children of my own in the home and both myself and my x worked for the Sheriff's office at the time. You can imagine what we went through. Finally the kid told the truth.
She said the reason she did this was to make her mother happy. She was 8. She didn't know what would happen because of her lies. She said if she said she had a good time at her dad's house her mother would get angry. When she realized how happy her mother was when she told her she had a horrible time, she thought she should take it a step further. Of course, she was 8. She had no idea the ramifications of the web she was weaving.
Well, the girl got older. Her dad got full custody of her when she was 12. I can honestly say that she was a good part of our marital demise. She never did stop being a story teller. She is 24 now and still is one to this day. Now she fancies herself a polygamist. She has been thrown out of the church she was a member of for trying to seduce the pastor. He apparently was caught having an affair and she decided this was another soapbox she needed to stand on.
My point is, kids will tell lies to make their parents happy. There is a good chance that nothing was happening at her father's house and when she was out of earshot of her mother, she told the authorities the truth.
That is ridiculous that the
That is ridiculous that the GAL would think shuffling between both houses every other day is providing a stable environment!!! I know it may be sad to say but I almost wish my sd bd would get full custody...BBB she is continuing to see her therapist but of course since this whole court debacle doesn't "want to go see her". And trust me i'm waiting for the first time it goes back to how it was and for her to cry and complain...i'm not the type of person to say "I told you so" but i'll stop and get a front seat to watch karma every day
My wife, poor thing, i don't know how she does it...maybe it's a maternal thing, something us DADs can't experience but how she is able to do what she does with her after that AMAZES me!!! Believe it or not I think after all of the years of her overcompensating this kick to the heart may have finally woken her up...lets see! Fingers crossed 
That may be the best thing
That may be the best thing for her...for daddy dearest to have custody. It would break her mother's heart though...
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
LOL Please we are in the
LOL Please we are in the follow up process now with the courts because he wants the days back he lost for the last few months and I believe he is going to make a move for full custody. When she was told this she looked at her mom and said I can't go there full time mommy I can't...shoulda thought about that before you lied then huh sweetie? But yeah it would kill my wife so I stand by her side...
Hummmm.... if you replaced
Hummmm.... if you replaced 11-year-old girl with 12-year-old boy you've pretty much written my story.... My son (BS) has always been scared of his bd.... he would come home with horror stories of how bd and sm treat him.... I would take bd to court and bs would clam up.... HOWEVER; they scared him into submission.... he was told (at the age of 7) that they could hear EVERYTHING he says at all times.... he was told not to talk about them to the counselor and that they could 'hear' him (even though they were not in the room) and that he would be punished.... After several court appearances and nothing changing due to the fact that bs would not step up and repeat the things he told me.... I finally said ENOUGH.... I told bs that I didn't know whether or not he was telling the truth because why whouldn't he repeat it to the ones that mattered the most? I told him that there is absolutely nothing that I do with the info he was providing to me and that he needed to tell it to the people who could change this for him..... I told him that until he was ready to tell the truth that I was done.... I was not going to continue to fight for him when he was not fighting for himself.....
Fast forward to now.... bs in FINALLY starting to stick up for himself.... He understands enough to see how his bd and sm have lied to him, scared him and manipulated him into doing what they want.... he is really disgusted with them both at this point.... they have dug their own graves.... bs will never fully trust them.... especially since he is now old enough to 'catch' them in their lies....
Your sd will get there too.... its hard..... no matter what kind of person her dad is.... she still loves him.... but he will eventually hang himself and sd will at some point loose all respect for him.... Just be there for HER.... be her soft spot to land....
Conflicted I just got chills
Conflicted I just got chills reading your response because that is EXACTLY why bd told SD...he could hear what she said to anyone because he was invisible and always around even if she didn't think he was...sick sick people...
Totalybogus I feel for
Totalybogus I feel for you...I'm wondering myself how my marriage is going to survive this child but not solely because of what she is doing...but also what my wife is doing. I've tried countless times to explain this to her but it's not been met with what I'd like to say is a welcome response lol
I think what is important is
I think what is important is whether or not your wife supports you as the other adult in the home. My x didn't. He believed everything that kid fed him. When she grew tired of me and decided I was no longer useful to her, she lied constantly about me to her father. I didn't much care about that. What I did care about is even with her history, he actually believed her over me. That was the end of our story. There was no way to fix that.
So, the important thing is to be able to communicate with your wife about how you feel and the things you see. If she is open to what you are discussing and not dismissing you, then your marriage will survive. If she doubts you and your intentions towards her daughter, then you have major problems.
Fedupstepdad - This behavior
Fedupstepdad - This behavior is very confusing, I will admit. But please give this little girl a break and try not to take it tooo personally. I am struggling with this AS WE SPEAK as well.
My SD is 16 years old, has lived with her dad and I for the past year. She has expressed to anyone who will listen that she wanted to live with her dad and I before she was living with us, and ever since then how much she wants to continue living with us. She has said this to her therapist, the psychiatrist that prescribed her anti-depressants, her general practitioner, her friends, all family members and her mom and dad. She has stood up to her mother countless times saying that she does not want to split residences and considers her place with her dad and I her home.
Dh has finally set up a meeting with a mediator to try to get custody established and get BM to at least support her daughter a little. We have asked for letters from her doctors. Her psychiatrist and G.P. have given us letters. Her therapist did not want to because she was concerned about it opening the door for SD's medical records to come out if BM fights. We had a recommendation from a paralegal to get a letter from SD, because she is 16, and can speak for herself. She is of age.
This is the same girl who has said before, "If this goes to court, I will testify that I do not want to live at mom's...."
So DH and I ask SD for the letter. Saying write it as you would write it for Court. Be courteous. This is a letter that is not just for you to vent... it's for you to present the facts of why you want to live where you do. Her therapist and psychiatrist thought this would be therapeutic for her. Also they had said she had "never wavered" from her position.
We ask SD for the letter and she gets HUGE ANXIETY attacks. She cries the night we ask, she doesn't sleep well, she's obsessing on it the whole next day. Why? Because there is a chance her mom may see it. Even though this girl has said outright to her mom "Don't touch me"! Literally. She does not want to write a letter to a Mediator that would "hurt" her mom. Even though SD is expressing anxiety about the fact that her living situation could change in the future, she is hesitating on this letter.
I think it's a two-fold fear. Confronting the parent in a formal setting, and also doing something that would hurt the parent "in public".
For now, DH and I have 2 letters and are going to try to attempt this without SD's letter. If push came to shove, I know she would speak out, but it does cause her fear, grief and anxiety. It's more than frustrating. But I never had to "pick" one parent over the other, so I can only stand back and hope that we don't need it.
Best wishes to you and your family. Give your wife a hug from us!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
WOW Great reply
WOW Great reply Stick...really! You must understand I knew this would be the outcome...its what she did to my wife that i'm most concerned with. I even tried to prepare my wife and tell her that her fear of her dad would keep her from telling the truth because she knows that you will forgive and love her, but if she turned on him that her life would be a living hell!!! I just hurt for my wife...but again thanks for the post...I will try my best to give her a break!
Thanks Fedup!! I really
Thanks Fedup!! I really feel the same way you do... Like WTF?? And I feel the same disappointment and even "betrayal" that you speak of. Like... We are jumping through hoops to get you taken care of... and we need your help! But, then I remember... she's a 16 year old kid... a confused kid at that. I still to this day feel guilty if I am annoyed or angry with one of my parents - I love them to pieces. I can't imagine what it would be like to be conflicted about that love.
And you are definitely right. Your SD knows her mom will love her unconditionally. She doesn't have that same security with her dad. It's really sad, isn't it? To see an adult do that to a child?
I hurt for my husband, for myself too (it is so frustrating!) , but mostly for SD. She's not "as tough" or as strong, as she'd like us to believe on this. And she's a lot older and more self aware, I believe, than an 11 year old.
I'm glad you are in her life, and UNDERSTAND and standing up for her and her mom!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***